In the news

March 11, 2010

Speaking of news… I can’t believe some of the things I’ve been reading lately. Seriously, did you hear that the Tiger Woods’ incriminating text message to his lover inspired iPhone to create a program in which a text message will disappear within 30 seconds of reading it? Sounds like a vote in favor of infidelity…shame on you iPhone. However, it’s not anything Inspector Gadget wouldn’t have come up with in a sequel.

Speaking of gadgets… Apple is releasing the new iPad, which is basically a keyboardless laptop for surfing the web, checking emails, and updating your social network status. And if you’ll be spending too much time on the sofa playing with your new iPad and other gadgetry-gadgets you might just find yourself updating your social status on Facebook anyway.

Speaking of updating… scientists reaffirm their 30-year old theory that a giant asteroid slammed into the Gulf of Mexico killing all the dinosaurs, and most creatures that lived on this planet 65 million years ago. There have been other theories about what made the big guys extinct, including fast food. But the more money scientists throw at studying their own theory, the more they prove it. Amazing. On a side note, the massive pressure wave from the explosion is believed to have pushed over all the trees in this country. Interesting.

Speaking of pushing…pediatricians are begging for new shapes for foods like hotdogs and candy in an attempt to curb fatal incidents of children choking. I tend to agree, as I have personally witnessed a child choke on a hotdog at a friend’s family cookout. All ended well when the kid’s mom rescued him from the offending food. Not sure which shape a hotdog should take, but I don’t think kids would eat anything lumpy and bumpy.

Speaking of lumpy…six women in New Jersey were hospitalized when they received a botched butt enhancing procedure that left their derrières resembling the surface of the moon. Unbelievable, but apparently a black-market posterior practitioner injected their buttocks with things you’d find around the house… silicone, petroleum jelly and caulk. Yes, caulk. Not sure if it was the type used in a bathroom or not, but needless to say, those women weren’t very happy with the procedure.

Speaking of happy…studies revealed that people who have deeper, more meaningful conversations are happier than people who only engage in, mostly trivial, small talk. (Boy is that good news, because I’m a talker!) In a weird twist, however, the effects seemed to be more apparent with men. Probably because women are used to having deep, meaningful conversations and men aren’t. At any rate, the study further stated that people who spent 70% more time talking were the happiest. Dickens, I’m durn near ecstatic… sweeeet!

Speaking of sweet…doctors believe diabetes is on the rise and directly related to mass consumption of sugary drinks like soda, juice and sports drinks. Believe it or not, but findings show that 300 million in healthcare costs is directly related to sugary drinks. Oh, don’t worry if you’ve found it hard to kick the ‘sugar habit’ because our government is considering stepping in and taxing these beverages… for our benefit, of course.

Okay, that should catch you up on what’s been happening in the news lately. I would love to see more ‘good’ news, but it just not out there. However, if you have some good news, by all means, let me know. We could have deep, meaningful conversations like…

always slice a child’s hotdog lengthwise before you place it in the bun…consume less sugary drinks to help ward off diabetes and be on the lookout for lumpy butts.

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