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Auto Correct Failure

May 25, 2017

Who hasn’t felt the slight blush of embarrassment after auto correct took it upon itself to totally modify (More like ‘totally mortify’) the meaning of your text message? “Shirt” become “sh*t,” “buckle” becomes “bu**hole.” Obviously, we simply can’t depend on the feather like touch of our fingertips or the harmonious sound of our voice to convey electronic communication. Regardless if we manually text, or use the microphone feature, as if by some sarcasmic universal law…unexpectedly…while our digit hovers over the ‘send’ button…autocorrect says, “Hey y’all, watch this...” Then wham bam, no thank you ma’am!

Suddenly, and without prior written consent from us, our unassuming communiqué character shifts into WTF reality; etched for all eternity on the satirically clad walls of auto correct failure. Followed immediately by: I HATE AUTO CORRECT!!! (Caps are code for texting very loudly!) Unless, of course, you don’t catch the erroneous text until your recipient replies, “WHAT?” In that case, you’re zipping off rapid fire apologies. None of which are immune to auto correct’s twisted sense of humor either. UGH!

It’s happened to me, and I know it’s happened to you. Fortunately, mine haven’t tipped the ‘I need to jump off the planet now’ totally humiliating scale. However, I googled hysterical auto correct failures captured on a website designed to delight in another’s embarrassing moment. Break out your funny bone, these are classic.

Guy talk:
Bro A: So how was your date last night bro.
Bro B: First date we went to dinner then walked her home
Then I killed her in the woods outside her house and left
Bro A: Killing her seems a bit harsh. Did she order the lobster and filet mignon at dinner or something?
Bro B: ****KISSED

Student exchange:
A: Can I get my pencil back? I have an exam in 30.
B: Yeah. I’ll get it out of my lover.
A: Haha You and Dan are into some kinky stuff.
B: *Locker. Love it!

Couple’s sweet talk:
Boy: Awww I miss you too
Girl: Don’t think I’m weird but I’m sleeping with that s**t you left in the bathroom
Boy: WHAT?!
Girl: It smells like you and it makes me feel better when you’re not here!
Boy: If you’re trying to be cute or funny it’s not working
Girl: Ohhhhh myyyyyyy Goddddddddd!!!!
I’m going to kill myself right now.

Summer daze:
Friend A: It’s so hot. It’s suppose to get up to like 85 tomorrow.
Friend B: I love it!
Friend A: I think you should open your poophole for me this weekend.
Friend B: WTF
Friend A: POOL!!! I’m laughing so hard.

And as if this isn’t proof enough auto correct has a sinister side, here are some one liners:
I’m coming over and I’m bringing cold hermaphrodites. (Heineken)
Kobe you (love you)
You are vehicular!! (beautiful)
I’m going to get drunk and sleep on my dads body for a week (dad’s boat)
Can you trim my moist acne (moustache)
But Saturday night could be flogger by (different)

Even I can’t understand how the last one happened. However, some auto corrections are too ‘adult’ for this column. X-rated would suffice if “Damn auto correct!” ever became a Reality TV show. Dickens, given the idiotic premise of current shows a series about hilarious auto correct messages would probably be a hit. I laughed my tookus off reading them. Unfortunately, as I previously stated…most were too risqué to offer as examples. Luckily, I’ve only had one ‘suggestive’ text changing the word deck to…well, not deck. Mostly, I remember when I was trying to say ‘yikes’ three times (even manually) my phone wrote ‘yokes’ each time. And that’s no yoke! Okay, okay, on that note I’ll stop right here and simply wish everyone happy auto correcting.

Can you imagine…if blue hay smashed red parrots? (WHAT?!)

Smile, it’s auto correct!

One a side note: This is my last weekly column till September. However, the FOCUS Newspaper powers that be have graciously decided “Ask G” has potential. All I need is you to ask me anything. Your questions will determine which direction “Ask G” will take: advice, humor, philosophy, enlightenment, or the wisdom of which came first: chicken nuggets or French fries. Friends, it’s up to you. You’re in control. Send questions to:



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