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It’s So Cold

January 4, 2018

Shivering timbers, how cold is it? Freakin’ cold! And colder elsewhere because I received a text from my brother in Indiana on New Year’s Day which read, “It’s going to warm up to 0 degrees today.” (from -9) Warm up? Shoot fire, too cold is anything below ‘tropical’! What can I say, I was conceived in Hawaii. Tropically inclined is simply part of my DNA.

Irrefutably, allergic to goosebumps and shivers I immediately posted on FB, the day after the first day of winter, a beautiful photograph of spring flowers and commented “Woo-Hoo! 89 days till Spring!” Yeppers, while most of you were counting down the days until you could brazenly de-wrap gifts I was tracking, rather scientifically I dare say, the exact number of days until tan lines and barefooting weather would embrace us in the warmth of sunrays and perspiration once again.

Even texted my IT brother and Jeff this morning that one of the pups had gotten frozen to a shrub when he ‘did his thing’ this morning. Wait for it…wait… He was a pupsicle! Frozen fur balls Batman, they believed me! I don’t think it’s even physically possible however, the mental image cooled my jets long enough to percolate about “it’s so cold” jokes. So, I googled and/or made up a few of my own. Feel free to borrow any, or all of them, as temperatures plummet well below flip flop and tank top conditions. As a FB friend of mine once said (just the other day) they were tired of wearing socks up to their ears and hats down to their ankles! Now, if you’ll kindly indulge me…

It’s so cold…Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick. It’s so cold…grandpa’s teeth were chattering – in the glass. It’s so cold…hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs. It’s so cold…when farmers milked the cows – they got ice cream. It’s so cold…when we parked the dogsled, we had to plug in the dogs. It’s so cold…politicians have their hands in their own pockets. It’s so cold…Richard Simmons put on long pants. It’s so cold…mom served blocks of chicken soup.

Enough? Because I can do this all day. Are you shaking your head ‘no’ or are you shivering? Well, I’m going to chill out and consider your rather awkward response a positive nod and add…you’re a good, if slightly frozen, sport. Here’s more. Enjoy!

It’s so cold…toupees were migrating south. It’s so cold…the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch. It’s so cold…I didn’t clean the house, I defrosted it. It’s so cold…Mother Nature scolded Jack Frost and sent him to the Bahamas for two weeks. It’s so cold…my car won’t run and my nose won’t stop. It’s so cold…the IRS didn’t have to threaten...everyone’s assets are frozen. It’s so cold…my GPS keeps directing me South. It’s so cold…people are hoping Cabin Fever raises their body temperature. Finally, it’s so cold…all those who’ve said “when Hell freezes over” are worried.

Well dickens, one, or more, of these jokes ought to break the ice at the office water cooler. Or at least chip away at a cold shoulder, or two. Thaw a few icy stares. Melt a… Alright, alright…I’ll place cold jokes on deep freeze for now. Just trying to help everyone chillax through this single-digit temperature dip.

Since we’re slated for seriously shivery goosebumps ahead break out the electric blankets, parkas and heated woolen socks. Weathermen say it’s going to be record freezing temperatures. Stay warm and bundled. Also, don’t forget your neighbors and friends that might not have warm coats, socks, or enough blankets. All kidding aside, while we’re hunkered down basking in the warmth of our loved ones, let our first acts of kindness this year be to reach out to those whom may otherwise be forgotten. Many churches are involved in offering a warm shelter to our area homeless. But what about an elderly neighbor, the family who is struggling financially and can’t afford heat, or the single mother desperately trying to keep her children warm. These are the people we know about. Reach out with love to them. This simple token of charity will warm your heart, and theirs, more than you’d ever imagine. Help others stay warm. Make it a resolution you’ll keep every year.

Happy 2018 Everyone! Stay warm, gentle, kind and loved!



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