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Eye To Eye

February 6, 2014

Holy dickens, you’ll never guess in a bazillion tries what happened to me last week! Of course, my life is akin to an episode of “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” so I wasn’t as surprised as Dr. Chang who commented more than once “What are the chances…?” Leave it to me to blaze a trail from Hickory to Greensboro of dumbfounded eye doctors left shaking their heads. For those of you who’ve been reading my column a while you may recall the week I wrote about the contact lens Dr. Chang removed from my right eye (14 months ago) which had been in it since college.

Decades later, I still don’t have a clue how a soft contact lens got lost. Who knows? We’re talking college days. Anyway, I can assure you I’ve seen better days than the last four years when both contacts reared their ugly heads and made my eyes as weepy as the dickens. Things took a catastrophic turn when I’d wake up every morning with both eyes matted shut, swollen, bloodshot, watery and looking like I’d been sucker punched by a Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot.

Dang, my eyes were so runny I stuck tissues everywhere: my sleeve, my pocket, my bra. Jiminy crickets, I constantly carried so many tissues I should have bought stock in Kleenex. Even though I begged and pleaded with eye doctors that something was terribly wrong, unfortunately for me, the cause of my torment couldn’t be seen by flipping up the eye lid. Until the day the right contact migrated out from under the fold and adhered itself to the inside of the lid. Even then the doctors weren’t sure what it was till a corner came loose and Dr. Chang scooped it out with a cotton swab. Eureka, instant relief!

As for the left eye, I was given text book (normal) diagnoses like “allergies” or “dry eye.” But normal for everyone else has never been normal for me. One ophthalmologist went so far as to confidently explain, “When it’s wet, it’s dry.” To which I responded in laymen’s terms, “It’s not dry, it’s wet!” Well, aside from the medical mumbo jumbo I credit that eye doctor with flushing my tear duct and avoiding possible surgery. However, during that same visit I mentioned a lump which had appeared under my eye lid; he said he didn’t see a lump. Dickens, I saw it! I felt it! It was there!

Discouraged no one was listening to me I left the eye doctor’s office with a sample of moisturizing drops…remember it was wet because it was dry. What-ev-er! When I got home though, I felt the lump and it moved. My friend Gina felt it too and said “You need to go back to the eye doctor,” which I did the next day. By powers greater than me Dr. Chang (the one who removed the first contact) walked in, took one look at me and said, “What are the chances you have a contact in your left eye?” If he knew the story of my life he wouldn’t have asked. “Trust me, it’s in there. I felt it. It moved and I’m not leaving till you get this contact out of my eye!” I exclaimed. Then I remembered my manners and added “Pleeeease!”

So Dr. Chang decided to humor me, apologizing for not having anything smaller than a cotton swab he prepared to swab under my eyelid. Dickens, I didn’t care if he used a 2 x 4, I needed source of my angst gone for good. The first swab yielded nothing so he stuck it in farther back and suddenly lit up like a candle. “There is something in there!” Next thing I knew he was showing me this disgusting brown lump. Wowzer, I jumped out of the chair and hugged him repeating ‘thank you, thank you, thank you’ till I just about hyperventilated I was so excited. The entire office heard me hooting and hollering. Durn diddles, I didn’t realize how incredibly miserable I was until I wasn’t miserable anymore.

I have to tell you they call me ‘the contact lady’ at that office. Yep, that would be me. Afterwards, I couldn’t call people fast enough so I called mom. She couldn’t believe it. Then I called my friend Margery who said it was a wonder it hadn’t turned into a pearl by now. Dickens, it should have. Then I called dad who asked the question everyone at the eye doctor had asked, “How in the world did you leave a contact in each eye?” Heck, I don’t remember…I’ve slept since then.

Can you imagine…a lump moving around under your eye lid?

Smile, it’s an awesome day!



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