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December 11, 2014

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?

Ah...tis the season for merry making, cookie making, whoopee making (oh wait, that’s any season); and a festive list of numerous holiday happenings to enjoy. Just don’t forget to laugh like you have a jello belly or you’ll be bah-humbugging your way to a stocking full of coal.

Besides, laughter is an all season favorite that ranks right up there with grandma’s turtle pumpkin pie. Yum!

Plus, laughter is a jolly break from the hum-drum routine of...well...routine. And in the spirit of hilarity and good humor I have searched far and wide for the best holiday jokes for you to share this season with family and friends. Or at your office Christmas party. So relax and be the life of the party this year. It just might go something like this.

The day starts with as much routine as you can shovel, like a four foot snow drift of ‘to do’s.’ However first: Coffee. Second: More coffee. Third: Begrudgingly deciding not to have another cup of coffee, but desperately craving one like a caffeine junkie needing a fix, yet realizing you’ve got last minute shopping to do before the huge office Christmas party. Well, snow cones! Busy, busy, busy... Whew! What a day!

Finally, it’s time for the pre-entertainment indulgences. Shower, shave...annnd we’ll skip the rest because it’s time to locate attire. Black is always a great choice, and my personal fave for any after-five soirée, but remember this year it’s all about the laughs. Therefore, you gotta dig deep. Really, really deep. To the remote recesses of your closet and find the brightly colored, cheer-filled, reindeer sweater your favorite Auntie knitted for you a few years ago. Got it? Great! Now toss it in the donation pile because even I wouldn’t ask you to wear it. Besides, you can’t be the life of the party in a blinking red nose sweater. You’re too self-conscious already, no reason to fuel that fire.

Simply find something comfortable, preferably without holes (including in your shoes); but not to flashy. Don’t want your outfit to outshine your jokes, right? This year you are going to be remembered for your wit and humor. They’ll be rolling in the aisle at the buffet line. In fact, the boss’s wife will just about tinkle in her panty hose after you’ve rocked the house with your witticisms. Sounds awesome, doesn’t it? Actually, it sounds more like a fantasy, but not impossible with a little sprinkling of Christmas magic.

So, are you ready to practice one-liners direct from Google (a.k.a. Christmas magic) to you? Okay, here it goes.

This one involves timing, the key to any great joke. “What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve.” Or “What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? Claus...trophobia.” And “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” Um...on second thought, don’t use this one. The boss might not think it’s funny, especially if know...has a Santa Claus-ish build. Then again, if he’s dressed as Santa at the party and a little tipsy on away!

By the way, how come we never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive” ? You know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.” Okay, okay...maybe I just like that one. Goodness, this one has a version for every occasion. “What’s red and white and black all over? Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.”

Lastly (because I have to end this babble sometime); “What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? Santa caught in a revolving door!” (You’re picturing it aren’t you? Snicker!)

Obviously, this is simply a sampling of the icing on the Christmas cookies the rest is up to you. Just pace yourself on eggnog, don’t get caught under the mistletoe with the wrong person and most of all, telling naughty elf jokes might get you laughs, but probably not a promotion. Otherwise have an awesomely joyous time at the office party, or anywhere humor is appreciated. Remember, heavy on the laughter this year. It’s Christmas magic. Ha-Ha-Ha!

Can you imagine...Santa goes up and down chimneys so much he’s thinking of getting a yearly flue shot!

Smile, it’s mistletoe season!



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