I Unfriend You
January 15, 2015
Have you seen the esurance commercial where Beatrice says, “I unfriend you.”? Her friend responds, “That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.”
Unfriending isn’t normally done on a whim. The unfriender usually has what they believe is just cause to unfriend the unfriendee. Dickens, I lose friends occasionally and have no idea why. But it did bring me to consider this on a personal level and pose this question on Facebook. “When a relationship you are in ends WOULD you ‘unfriend’ them?” It is a simply “Yes” or “No” question, but I also asked for feedback.
Quite a few of you (men and women) responded. The majority stated “yes” sprinkled with a few “nos”. Not speaking for the ‘nos’, but possibly when their relationship ended it wasn’t deeply emotional. Even without sayings those three little words we all long to hear if you’ve spent a significant amount of time together it’s uncomfortable when the relationship ends regardless of whether it was a good or bad relationship. That being said, for the purpose of simplicity let’s stick to dating because dissolving a marriage usually means divorce and a different set of guidelines.
By the way, for the sake of argument I also consulted experts. All shared the same advice on break-ups. SEVER ALL TIES COMPLETELY. Mainly because ending an intimate relationship is emotional and both of you need time to breathe and reboot, therefore, taking a full step back by discontinuing any contact or temptation for contact; like checking up on them on Facebook, keeping their phone number, or hanging out with their relatives actually benefits both of you in the long run. Plus, as one of my friends stated “why torture yourself.” Delete all temptations. Besides if you were the dumper what business is it of yours to stick your nose back into their business, they are entitled to a life without you, as hard as that may be for you to hear. On the other hand, if you were the dumpee why would you want to drive yourself nuts by seeing what they are up to...and with whom, which is all you really want to know. So take a deep breath and ‘unfriend’ first. Of course, one of my friends replied she was ‘unfriended’ first and that stung a little. And it might. Just remind yourself of all the reasons the relationship wasn’t working to begin with, then breathe and move on.
Obviously, there’s more to breaking up than ‘unfriending’ them forever. Other basic guidelines keep things civil; after all we are all adults. First, changing your status before you tell them is about as cowardly as breaking the news in public. A no-brainer but it happens and it’s a no-no. Breaking up is best face-to-face unless long distance prevents it; but not in public, via text (or other digital media), or over the phone. According to the experts, go to their place so you can leave because if they’re at your place they may refuse to leave. Yikes! Afterwards, it is cautioned not to try the ‘just friends’ trap. This is usually an excuse to keep tabs what they are doing and torture yourself unnecessarily. Walking away and closing the door is considered the best and healthiest approach, regardless if he acted like a jerk or she like a jerkette.
Speaking of labels, it’s easy to tell who just broke up on a social media site because they start voicing their opinion, repeatedly, on relationships or the opposite sex. Friends, posting all sorts of negative and insulting sayings you just happened across because you were looking for a way to hurt them only hurts you. Sure, you’ll probably get sympathy posts, however, in reality you’ve ungraciously displayed your dark side for all to judge; and they will. Therefore, keep your dignity, pick up the pieces of your broken heart and find a best friend’s shoulder to cry on. Then move on with your life by doing something that makes you totally happy.
I know, hard to hear when your heart is hurting. But hanging on to the past hurts more. It’s best to wipe the slate clean. Plus, dragging around the past can poison future relationships and don’t all the motivation books on the shelf shout “Be in the moment!” This moment! This now! Like one of my FB friends said, “...move on to the right one!” Besides, being single isn’t a bad thing. You just need time to figure out how to be single again. Does this mean an ice cream coma is in your future? Maybe. But if you choose to drown your sorrows in the bottle, use caution and come up for air after the count of three because your life is waiting for you to get your mojo back on! And you will, and it will be awesome!
Can you imagine...making yourself totally happy?
Smile, it looks soooo good on you!