PIRANHA 3D • VAMPIRES SUCK THE

WITCH • NANNY MCPHEE

RETURNS • THE LOTTERY TICKET

August 26, 2010

PIRANHA 3D
Where can you go to see nude girls, wearing flippers, swimming erotically to operatic music? The same place where mammaries and other naughty parts jump off the screen and slap you in the face. Yes, I am talking about your local movie theater. When all is said and done, this is a remake of a true B horror film, with all the sex, nudity and graphic (and occasionally cheesy) gore that came out of that era, but in 3D. Honestly, I would have had the same experience if it weren’t three-dimensional, but maybe that’s me. I enjoyed the blood feast of the lovelies - but that’s our little secret.
If you like gore, naughtiness or just secretly have a fetish for being nibbled on by fish, then here you go. It’s fun, it’s creative, and very entertaining! - CLAM

An earthquake opens an underwater underground cave, releasing prehistoric piranhas (and already this sounds insane). The ravenous fishies quickly find their way to the human population, which is in the opening throngs of spring break. Mayhem, nudity and blood ensues, when killer fish find the buffet line. Oh, and let us not forget Jerry O’Connell shooting a Girls Gone Wild film, with Kelly Brook and Riley Steele providing eye candy. This turns the whole mess into a bloody, gore-filled soft porn.

Photo: Elisabeth Shue And Adam Scott in Pirahna 3D

It’s as campy and ridiculous as horror flicks from the 70’s, as well it should be. It is the second remake of the 1978 comedy horror, which was in itself a parody of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws (1975). The film’s opening sequence with Richard Dreyfuss even pays homage to Spielberg’s masterpiece. Very gory, very bloody and very not something you should take your kids to see. Recommended for hard core gore fans only. - CHAINSAW

VAMPIRES SUCK

I just knew that with the popularity of the Twilight series someone would eventually make a Scary Movie-style spoof. And this is it. Jacking up the levels of teen angst and sullen dreariness, this parody takes everything everyone loves about new age vampire films and makes fun of it. It’s stupid and silly and entertaining for about 15 minutes. The film’s only unexpected redeeming factors are the Team Jacob versus Team Edward girls and Jenn Proske’s dead-on portrayal of Bella. If you enjoy Scary Movie style films this ones right up your alley if not…you’ll be asking for your money back. - CHAINSAW

Photo: Anneliese van der Pol and Matt Lanter in Vampires Suck

THE SWITCH

Now, here is a movie that really surprised me. I mean, I am used to Jennifer Aniston being in lighthearted romantic comedies, but this one went beyond that. The interaction of Jason Bateman and child actor Thomas Robinson really pulls at the heart strings. A movie where a man takes responsibility for his actions and isn’t portrayed as a villain is very rare these days. Most of the time the women are the victims and the men are the bad guys, such is the way of Hollywood. I like it when the men are given a little credit when it comes to life, love and the decisions they make. Sadly, the film didn’t do well in the box office this week and I hope that changes. Check it out and see what you think. I promise I’ve not to steered you wrong. Even the guys who are fathers or plan to become one will feel something, it’s just that sweet. - CLAM

Photo: Thomas Robinson & Jason Bateman in The Switch

NANNY MCPHEE RETURNS

First of all, I did not see the first one, so there were a couple of things I didn’t quite understand, but even with that, it’s a very fun movie for the family. I just expected a more bizarre version of Mary Poppins, and in many ways it is, just a little more sadistic. Hence the snowman made of feces - they do know how to have fun with crap. Honestly, I was surprised mommy (Maggie Gyllenhaal) kept her composure. For me, there would have been lots of spankings going on. With all the fun stuff going on, this movie brings great entertainment value to both children and adults. Emma Thompson’s Nanny is both creepy and fascinating at the same time. This is a fun movie with a lot of heart. - CLAM

THE LOTTERY TICKET

Now this one is hard. Believe me, it is not my intention to offend anyone with this, this is simply an opinion. I have great respect for all forms of art, every society and ethnic group has their own creative vision. I, personally think this movie is made and targeted for African American audiences, who will find it most entertaining. I just didn’t find any joy in it because the story line, language, background and some of the situations were unknown to me and therefore less entertaining. Again this is an opinion. I know there are people out there that can understand it all, and don’t let me discourage you from watching the film. If you do, please let me know if you think that female friend of Bow Wow’s is actually a girl or a guy dressed as a girl. - CLAM


Photo: Emma Thompson in Nanny McPhee Returns

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