Custom Search





Patron Saint

April 26, 2018

Now my memories of the before are quite vague. Before, there was the earth, being within and one with it. Then slowly pushing, pulling away from, then above, reaching forever upward. Recalling back the winds gentle breezes, the rain’s caress which quenched my endless thirst, and the sun. Always and forever the sun, the unspoken, unreachable goal, but you never stop trying. It is an all but obscure recollection, from a shared universal consciousness…before the factory.

There is pain? Being cut, twisted, shaped, ripped apart…reassembled. Four legs on metal feet, a strong arched back, firm seat; coated in chemicals and ornamented with leather wrapped padding. What manner of creature have I become? The universe is gone and I stand alone; unique, original, one of a kind. And this I believe with all of a heart I do not have…until being placed in a room with countless others identical to myself.

We are separated into groups of eight, then four and placed around tables. Some near the stage, near the bar; next to the rest rooms…I do not envy the task of my white porcelain brethren in there. One can only take so much s***. Then all is dark until… come the weekend.

It’s Friday night, laughter and conversation are blurred by the deafening beat of music and the aroma of alcohol permeates the air. It is time to go to work-—no ands, ifs, but lots and lots of butts. Dear god man, what did you eat? Geez-us lady, when’s the last time you washed those jeans? PHEW!!! Hey buddy, crack kills! No underwear under there… gross! And so it goes. Over the next few weeks several of my fellows fall. Legs broken, backs snapped, upholstery split under the literal weight of the workload and improper sitting procedures. I resign and succumb to what I have become and await my inevitable fate. Then he arrives and unknowingly my salvation is at hand.

He smells of cheeseburgers, cheap beer, cigars and motor oil. He does not drop, he does not plop… he simply sits. His seat meets mine and… is this what they call love at first… sit? Being as I am, is there a capacity within my wooden frame for emotions? If so, would it be gay or straight or something else? I am possessed of no discernible sex nor is there the capability to reproduce. Hmmm… maybe we’re just friends. Three nights of the week we are together, he the sitter, I the settee, inseparable… aside from karaoke, beer runs and dancing with that cute redhead. Then one night… everything changes.

There had been much dancing, singing, drinking and good spirited revelry. Followed by unsteady swaggering and my person, my sitter, my friend was highly inebriated. He needed to sit down, but his mind was ablur, vision questionable, he was going to miss, going to fall and so… I caught him. At that moment, even in his drunken state, he became aware of me and our relationship. Staggering forth he obtained a marker from the karaoke board and branded me as his own. Trigger? Like a gun’s? Was I his trigger man? Were we going to kill people? Ah Trigger, perhaps like Roy Rogers’ trusty steed? Did he intend to ride me off into the sunset? No Trigger as in Burt Remolds Trans-Am who never lets him down from something called Smoking with the Bandit? Neato...what’s a Trans-Am? And thus together we sat, three nights a week, through the seasons and I was happy. But nothing good lasts forever, nothing ever does.

They announced that the bar would be closing permanently and all the elements thereof would go into storage. A heart that I did not have was breaking; it would be our last night together. What a night it was as all present decided to go out on a high drunken note. Amidst the festivities he ran his hand along my back and told me he’d miss me… but maybe not.

As the night wound down they began to perform the last karaoke of forever. Everyone sang along, everyone was on their feet, everyone save him. Casually he stood and in a nonchalant motion began to pull me across the floor. He didn’t bother with goodbyes and amidst the distraction made his way to the door with me in tow. Then in one swift motion he hoisted me onto his shoulder …and ran like a bat out of hell.

There is still music, dancing, singing but there are no buts save one. My days will not be spent stuffed indefinitely in a shed. Rather they shall be shared with this family I am now a part of. He rescued me; he saved me, brought me home, and in a fashion loved me, this gruff bar patron… my patron saint.

“Mr. Chainsaw? Are you in here? It’s me… your secretary… The Secretary! Hmmm well I was almost certain I heard someone typing in… now how did this bar chair get leaned against the desk and keyboard. Trigger huh? This doesn’t look like a gun, horse or a Trans-Am. Mr. Chainsaw is an odd one. Oh well, I’ll just put this back over here and it looks like he’s finished his article for this week and didn’t remember to send it in. Well I shall remedy than right now.”

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




Seek And Go Hide!

Minor Holiday Complaint

Dourmou: The Rats Of Saw

Looks Like It’s TimeTo Grow Up!

Open (minded) Carry

Southern GRID

A Relationship Sets Sail

Open For Interpretation

Death, Taxes & Chuck E. Cheese

Let’s Hope You’re Right

Finding Purpose

Cryptic Cryptid

The Rest Of Us

Fighting Death, Without Freezing To It

See ya next year! you won’t.

And so...that’s how it ends! NO, WAIT...

Lobster Claus; Holiday Stress Manifests

The Three Other Reindeer

For A Good Cause

A Flicker Of Flame

Happy Thinksgiving

And then...I died! Or, How I Meet Frank, Part 2

Chainsaw’s Initial Encounter With The Grim Reaper… or How I Met Frank


Hell-O-ween Finale: Gathering Souls For Satan

Nightmare At 12:34 EST

Gather ‘Round The Urban Campfire

There Is Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself...And That, My Friends, Is A Lie!

She’ll Do Just About ANYTHING!

Can You Remember Before
Remembering Having A Memory?

Up To The Week Coverage Before/During The Hurricane Aftermath

Uncommon Courtesy

All I Really Need To Know About Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse I learned In Kindergarten!

You Only Get One: Part 2. But Can You Get Two?

You Only Get One

One Super Power...Just One!

Dawn Of The Day After The Night Of The Living Dead

Hot And Bothered

Just Try And Relax

Stop Trashing Our World

Go Make Me A Sandwich

WARNING: This Newspaper Is Not To Be Used As A Flotation Device

A Conversation On The Third Sunday In June


It’s Never Just 5 MORE MINUTES

There Is No Daycare... At The End Of The World

Clap Your Hands

Conspirative, Coincidental Conclusions

“Good Things...” Wait???


Actually, You Can Judge A Book By Its Cover

Which Came First, The Rabbit Or The Jew?

End Of The Wagon Ride?

Comely Folks


Wishing You The Luck Of The Irish

Avian Impact

Religious Trousers

Take A Seat

A Revolution Solution?

Romantic Interlude Eluded

Merriam Webster’s Chainsaw Edition Vol. 3

Have TUBA, Will Travel

The Importance Of Background Action

And then...the cat CAME BACK!

Happy USED Year?

No. 52

‘Twas The Night Before KRAMPUS

It’s The Thought

You Are Nothing More Than A Disgruntled Who!

It’s such a good vibration...such a sweet CESSATION!

A Warm Helping Of Frigid Poultry


Dungeons And Dragons And All Things EVIL?

Old Man Chainsaw

Helloween 4: What Are You Afraid Of?

Helloween III: Tot vs Monster Under The Bed!

There is nothing to fear but fear itself… and BEARS! ALWAYS FEAR BEARS!

One Last Razzle Dazzle Smokin’ Hail Mary Pass

Life’s Mysteries Lying
Within The Windowsill

Time Flies When?

The Other Birthday Party

Across The Rainbow Bridge

Ten More Uncomfortable Questions?

The cReAtURe

Bemusement Park Attraction

A Passing Interest In Political Masonry

Gotta Catch 'Em All?

Tis The Wink Of A Breath

A Darker Shade Of Summertime Blue

Still Littering?

H2-Oh How Fire Works

Pessimistic Optimism


The Pover-Ties That Bind

Zombisaurus Rex

Apocalypse...right now? Congratulations, You’ve Survived The Apocalypse!

Where The Wild Things Were

A Hundred Thousand To One,& Eleven Things I Will Never Write

Selfie-Centered Society


Who Paints The Hammers?

Open For Interpretation


FUN TYme ? of TRiViAL! wiF John Q.

I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost... Busters...Remake?

Springing Forward To The Past

Remember: ‘Funeral’ Starts With FU!

Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw

Revealed Carry

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Trash...But Sometimes It’s Collectable Trash

Timeless Testing

Definitively Undead

Do You Want To Psychologically Deconstruct A Snowman?

powerBALL $1.5 Billion You’ll Never See, or A Really Powerful Ball

Heading For A Eulogy

Resolution Resolvent

Wondering Around Wandering


The GHOSTS Of Christmas Present

Happy Hellidays A special hate the holidays rant

Tis The Season


Memoir From The Soviet Union

The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

Hell-O-Ween 2015 The Absence of Light

HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!


Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry


Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set


HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages


For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!


Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!


A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending


The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke


The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide





BannerEventAd-01.jpg   BannerEventAd-01.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm |

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2018 Tucker Productions, Inc.