BACHELOR PARTY

July 1, 2010

Over the past week, one question has been posed rather predominantly, “Are you excited?” Here of late the response has been “About what?” Of course they’re inquiring about the impending nuptials that are all too quickly drawing nearer. Once confirmed that that is indeed the subject at hand, the response changes to a weary, all too familiar, “No.” To be quite honest- I am way too tired to be excited. Excitement requires a certain amount of energy, of which there is none left.

Weddings are an exhausting ordeal, mentally, physically and financially. There are so many intricate little decisions to make. Figuring out what everyone’s wearing; not just the bride and groom but the whole flippin’ wedding party. Selecting the perfect decorations; ones that will add a personal touch but still serve a function. Making sure you have enough food to feed everyone you’ve invited and cursing later when half don’t show up. With food, you can’t forget the cake. And of course, when during the ceremony the proper time to make the virgin sacrifice before the altar of Baal would be appropriate. Finally the decisions are made, rethought, and then changed completely to where they are nothing like when you first started. Now you have to run all over hell and back getting it all together. At this point you might just as well toss your open wallet into the florists shop. Hoping there’s something left to pay the caterer, photographer, disc jockey, wedding coordinator, minister… gawd I could have bought a new car by now…well maybe a really nice used one. After awhile, you become numb to it all. Getting so caught up in choosing which napkins will be used for cake and which for the buffet (seriously, they’re napkins, who gives a shite). You reach points where you literally don’t care about anything, other than getting the most magically beautiful, important day of your life the hell over with.

On a high note, some of the more traditional marital practices have been ousted to lessen the stress and because they are kinda stupid. The first of these would be the bouquet toss. Do we really need to make a spectacle of all those single ladies by making them fight over a clod of flowers in front of friends and relatives? Next to go would of course be its b****** cousin, the garter toss. Nothing sets the mood for the start of a good marriage like hiking up your new bride’s dress in front of her parents. While we’re eliminating- “things being thrown,” no rice, bird seed or other projectiles will be thrown. I just got married, you’re not going to throw things at me, it will p*** me off.

The traditional “bachelor party” was also on the “to go” list. To be fair to the fairer sex, it’s easy to see why a bride to be would be against this antique novelty. If you’ve reached a point where you’ve singled it down to just her, why do you need that one last night out? By the time you propose if you haven’t had your fill of hanging with your buddies while being entertained by hookers, strippers and women of low character then you probably don’t need to take that long walk down the aisle.

However, Frank (the angel of death & personal friend of mine) and John Q. (my yellow, stuffed bear side-kick) saw things differently. Out to a local strip club we go and the problems started. John of course, being a minor, was denied entry. He cried and some of the girls thinking it was so cute came out to give us a private show. This worked well for about 1 minute and 47 seconds, that’s when Frank decided to tip. One touch of death on the girls thigh and she dropped, her implants cushioning her fall. The cops came, reports were filed, John Q ate a bug and charges are still pending.

Yes, I am very EXCITED!!!

I welcome almost all questions and comments via through the Focus, or e-mail me at chainsawo53@aol.com. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused!