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Chainsaw’s Dating Guide

February 7, 2013

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner some of you may be considering taking the plunge and finally asking that special someone out. Here are a few tips to make things go a little smoother and hopefully equal success on that dreaded first date.

1. Phone first. No texting! If you can’t carry on a conversation, don’t take it public and make it an awkward situation. If you can’t talk to the person, then you’re not ready to date them.

2. Unless you know the person, pick a meeting spot— restaurant, bar, theatre, etc. No need to let them know where you live and risk a stalker if things don’t go well. 3. Have a plan. Know where you’re going to go, and what you’re going to do. Nothing’s more fun than sitting in a parking lot for an hour saying, “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?”

4. What to wear? Hell! Ask! It’s uncomfortable when one person is dressed to kill and the other looks dressed to be killed. Asking “Should we go casual?” won’t offend them.

5. Flowers aren’t a bad idea. Traditionally, a simple bouquet is given, to thank the girl for going out with you. It’s also a nice way to make the girl feel special, in the fact that you took the time to select the flowers for her. So buy some damned flowers!

6. Guys, be courteous. Open doors, let her go first, be a gentleman, not a jackass.

7. Girls, give the guy a chance to be courteous. Hopping out of the car before it even comes to a stop, or speed walking ahead to the door, isn’t very lady-like anyway.

8. Turn off your cell phone! The idea here is to get to know the person you’re with, not neglect them by talking on the stupid phone. This is why you have voice mail.

9. Avoid talking about EXs! Talking about past relationships will probably make the other person uncomfortable. The idea here is that you’re moving move on!

10. Be honest and be yourself. If you’re not and the relationship goes anywhere, they’ll find out the truth eventually and that will suck for you.

Dating can be a pain in the ass, but if you play your cards right, the final outcome is well worth it. Remember you are not only the salesperson, but the product. It’s up to you to not screw it up. However, before you go on that initial outing there are a few things you might want to consider. Things that could ensure success and lead to a budding romance or failure and a tragic disaster

1. Do you have your s@*t together? Get your life in order before trying to bring someone else into it!

2. Do they have their s@*t together? Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you’re considering a serious relationship.

3. Are you sober? Are they sober? Nothing’s more awkward than waking up the morning after and asking that all important question...”What was your name again?”

4. Do you have your own place? Nothings worse than waking up the morning after in someone’s parents’ house.

5. Most people don’t consider a quickie in the back seat a first date. But then again...

6. Are you on fire? Though cool at first, no one will go out with you if you’re on fire, and you’ll die eventually. 7. Find a hang-out that suits you. A place filled with people who share similar interests will make you feel more at ease when you make that first contact with someone.

8. Always carry protection. A .357 in your purse, or a derringer tucked into your pocket, will assure a safe and happy evening for all. Well for you anyway.

9. Get a spy car. With an ejector seat, like James Bond. I don’t know how this would apply to pre-dating but it would be neato.

10. Make sure the spy car is fast, because spy cars are supposed to be fast. If it’s not fast then it might be broken. Oops, this is supposed to be how to date, not how to select a proper spy car, sorry.

To be honest, this list isn’t the least bit helpful to you if you’re considering dating. Mostly it was just for fun, just like dating should be. Be courteous, be honest, and above all be yourself and you will have a fun and memorable experience in the dating realm. Happy Valentine’s Day and good luck!

I welcome almost all questions and comments via through Focus, or e-mail me at

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.







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