January 8, 2015
Greetings dear reader and welcome. You have arrived and survived the first week of the new year. Ah yes a new year, with all the potential promises, hopes, disappointments and failures that 2015 holds in store for the next twelve months. It is a time for renewal. Time to shake off the accumulated dust of last year and rev up your engine for a fresh start. An untainted virgin canvas awaits the first brush strokes that will create the masterpiece that you will display at year’s end proudly titled “My Life 2015”!
Wow, that was metaphorically poetic. Seriously though, for most of us the new year is nothing more than its predecessor in review and one more step towards a satin lined box. However there are those who see the new year as an opportunity for improvement. They look to better themselves or enrich their lives through resolution. These positively motivated folks set goals for themselves to be achieved in the coming year. Many will fail, quit or simply forget. But an elite few will triumph. They’ll stick it out, persevere and at year’s end will feel a stronger sense of self worth.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all share that feeling? If everyone could know that sense of accomplishment that comes from resolving something? Perhaps we can. Maybe we just need to set the resolution on our resolutions just a bit higher and focus (shameless plug) on smaller goals we can achieve. What follows are some resolutions that can be resolved without any effort whatsoever.
CHAINSAW’S LIST OF IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO RESOLVE RESOLUTIONS:
1. Resolve to breathe. Look you’re doing it right now! See how easy that was? It’s almost involuntary...well actually it is an involuntary action which requires no effort on your part. Unless you’re overly obese or have emphysema or asthma. Regardless, this is one resolution you can’t help but keep...unless you are dead. In which case—thank you for your loyalty and patronage in the afterlife.
2. Resolve not to learn a foreign language. All you have to do is think positively that you won’t learn a second language. Before you know it you won’t have.
3. Resolve to finish reading this article. C’mon you can do it you’re already halfway there. Not to mention the fact that you have the rest of the year to complete it. That’s like less than a word a day!
4. Resolve to look at stuff. Didn’t say what kind of stuff, so anything goes. As long as you look at some kinda stuff, mission accomplished.
5. Resolve to poop. Wow big surprise that’s on the list. “Gee Mr. Chainsaw can’t you make at least one list without “poop” on it?” Fine, don’t poop and be sure to tell everyone you’ve resolved not to. That way they’ll all know you’re full of s***!
6. Resolve to not rebuke the laws of gravity and fall off the planet.
7. Resolve to not illegally hunt Unicorns out of season. Unless your a Unicorn hunter at which point you may need to discuss your resolutions with a psychotherapist.
8. Resolve to not finish this article. Just stop reading...RIGHT NOW! Turn the page or put the paper down and walk away. You’re still reading! Sigh, well you blew that one.
9. Resolve to not duct-tape a BMX bike to your body, set yourself on fire and jump off a building while singing Baby Got Back. If you decide to break this resolution please make sure someone records and posts it on Facebook and Youtube.
10. Resolve to be true to yourself. If you suck and don’t trust yourself with yourself then maybe you should sit down with yourself and resolve to get to know you better.
Unless you stuck to resolution No. 8 I sincerely hope you resolve to tune in each week and see what I resolve to write on a weekly basis...at least till the end of the year.
Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at email@example.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!