Custom Search





Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

February 5, 2015

When moving out on one’s own for the first time, it almost seems a natural necessity to obtain a pet as soon as possible. (Some people don’t feel this need and judging by the assorted dead house plants they keep, that’s probably a good thing). To have some companionship in your new home, and how can you be head of the household if there’s no one to be ahead of? Or perhaps it’s a positive snub at your folks as in, “See, I’m keeping me AND that thing over there alive so nyah!” It also feels like a good way to establish your independence. In the sense of having say on who or what resides with you.

In my case it had to be something a bit different and a tad eccentric (big surprise). Having grown up in the familiar territory of dogs and cats I wanted something challenging and new. And so I obtained a duck...which I managed to accidentally drown. Undaunted I obtained a second duck, along with several books on the subject. None of these had any training guidelines so I went with what I knew and trained it like a dog. No I didn’t kill it but when nature called I did release it to fly south...hell maybe that killed it...guess we’ll never know...moving on.

A wide assortment of critters followed the duck but none seemed to really click. Thus the need for animal companionship faded and went into hibernation for 7 years...then my spouse Lil Red came along...with Nutmeg (in color and name), an aging Shih Tzu in tow.

After a week of discovering or stepping in poop and starting a few mornings with wet sock feet, I remembered why I’d never wanted an indoor dog.

Despite my initial (and continuing) apprehension this little elder furry person won my heart. This of course opened the doorway for a second dog—because we didn’t have an “outdoor” one yet. Hey, why not. Might as well dodge fecal matter inside and out, it would kind of balance things out. Thus we took in a Bazooka. A rescue dog that is a corgi/shepherd mix and yes he looks as equally weird as that sounds. Imagine a full sized German Shepherd cut off at the knees and you’ve got a Bazooka.

OK, so we’ve got all areas covered inside and out but...well she is an “aging” Shih Tzu. Considering her years I am informed that it might be best to choose a successor. So she can teach it everything she knows about being an indoor pet. Yes, I was quite convinced that laying around all day and going potty at the most inconvenient times and places is a necessary skill that would require intense training. There was no way we were getting another dog. Three months later we brought Bruce home.

Here we will be brief as brief as our time with this loving male Thih Tzu was. At the age of three we lost him and heartache ensued. Red had an empty place in her heart an under her feet. How could I deny the entry of the mighty Quinn (another male Shih Tzu) into our brood. And that’s it. We’ve got the indoors, outdoors and future covered- NO MORE DOGS!

Then Bazooka disappeared, returning two worrisome weeks later looking pretty rough. Red thought he’d been hit by a car. I had other suspicions. Turns out I was right (for once) he had been out procreating. And he had done so a mile away, through galvanized fencing, according to the owner of the now impregnated Pit Bull. It is said “love conquers all” but backwards through steel fencing? OMG!

The owner knew me and knowing that it would be Bazooka’s last litter (he will be fixed this spring) offered us the pick of the litter. HA HA HA HA HA!!! Seriously? There is no way in holy hell I will allow another four-legged s***-machine onto my property. I had absolutely zero desire to add a German Corgi Pitt to our overcrowded pack. Not gonna happen! Not gonna do it! Not even going to consider...then Red points out that old Zooka is getting on in years...

So, her name is Boggin like toboggan without the “toe.” Red tells me she’ll have to stay indoors till warmer weather. So every morning I awake 10 minutes earlier to clear her pen and “Who let the dogs out?” nowadays is me. So did I go soft? Am I totally whipped? Did my spouse turn me into an foster parent for the ASPCA?

The answer is no to all of the above. The fact is when you take on marriage there has to be some leeway, some sense of compromise. She puts up with my natural weirdness and I tolerate her love for weird nature. At least on three of the dogs anyway. The way I see it, if trained properly, a Welsh Pitt Shepard could be an excellent ally during a zombie outbreak.

Next week: Zombie Pets! How will you deal with yours biting the hand that feeds it?

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry


Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set


HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages


For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!


Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!


A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending


The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke


The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide





BannerEventAd-01.jpg   fanjoylabrenz.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm |

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2018 Tucker Productions, Inc.