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Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...

Now, Reanimate

February 12, 2015

FOREWARNING:OK, yes this appears on a lot of my articles as a joke but in this case it is quite serious. If you are overly sensitive to cute, widdle, furry animals meeting with gruesome fates or have an issue with a pet biting, then devouring the hand that feeds it, you may want to read something else. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

In Their Nature: In Blindness (a film from 2008 in which going blind becomes a communicable disease) there is a brief scene that many viewers found disturbing. It is actually just background action, as the survivors make their way through the devastated city streets. It depicts a man whom has fallen down some stairs and cracked his skull open. The horrors and injuries incurred to this and other humans in the film didn’t seem to bother the audience. However, the domesticated dogs lapping up the fallen man’s blood and grey matter caused a very negative reaction. “That’s terrible. Dogs would never do that!” Umm yeah, yeah they would. When not being regularly fed and faced with starvation pets will revert to their wild nature. Keep in mind they used to hunt, kill and eat us. Likewise when faced with dire hunger you might question if your little Pomeranian would taste like chicken.

Films and TV: Now that we’ve established that our pets may eat us anyway, let’s look at their roles in the zombie genre. In most cases “human” zombies either totally ignore animals or devour them. The devouring part brings up a contradiction in that one of the symptoms of the “zombie virus” is cannibalism. This also opens the argument that if animals, let’s say dogs for example, were susceptible to the virus wouldn’t they just attack and try to eat each other? Keep in mind there is a big difference between infected or mutated animals and zombie animals. For the most part animal zombies are avoided on film because the logic is arguable and it makes people uncomfortable. Though personally, seeing a pack of zombie Chihuahuas take a person down would be hilarious. Like a bunch of noisy, furry little piranhas.

Their Own Zombie Virus: It’s called rabies. Technically one could not consider a rabid animal a zombie because the suffering creature has yet to be deceased. However, death aside, all other symptoms of the zombie virus are present. Besides, rabid animals are f***ing scary anyway, remember Cujo? Do we really need to make it worse by them being undead, too?

Where Would it End?: Whereas rabies is communicable across species in the warm-blooded animal kingdom, could the same be said for the zombie virus? Undead dachshunds are one thing, but imagine a pack of carnivorous deer or zombie rats. There would be nowhere to run no way to hide...I can hear them now...gnawing thru the walls. Oh f*** what about bears? I am so not going to think about that.

And who’s to say it would be exclusive to mammals? Though fish probability would not be a problem, unless you’re stupid. What about birds? Birds are everywhere man! Then there’s insects...yeah we’d be pretty much screwed.

Caring For Your Undead House Pet: OK, so let’s say your beloved pet has contracted the zombie virus and it is exclusive to humans, canines, and we’ll throw in felines for all you cat people. To stoke the human ego, the infected only crave human flesh and brains.

Step 1- do not bury the animal when it passes. No need for it to be dead and dirty too.

Step 2- cancel all grooming and veterinary appointments. Do not try to brush it, the hair will come out in clumps when decomposition sets in.

Step 3- reinforce your outdoor kennel. Do not keep it in the house, the smell will be terrible.

Step 4- Buy a good muzzle. Be sure to put it on before reanimation.

Step 5- become comfortable with murder, your pet will have to be fed fresh human daily. Tell those neighbor kids who’re always poking their fingers through the fence anyway it’s OK to pet the animal.

Step 7- ignore steps one thru six and give your zombie pet the Old Yeller treatment. No longer your best friend but a blasphemous shadow of its darker former self, so put it out of its misery.

Step 8- do not bury it in the Pet Sematary!

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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