There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer
February 26, 2015
Having a pork intolerance is a very rare condition. It’s quite literally a one in a million chance that a person could be “allergic” to pork. The writer of this column is one in a million...but you knew that already. Living in the South has made this extremely awkward. I am labeled a weirdo because I don’t like the artery clogging taste of bacon. But I was not born with this bizarre allergy. Rather it developed during my budding adolescence. Which happened to coincide with my family joining a new religious faction. One in which many foods were deemed “unclean,” one of these being pork. Coincidence or cause? We’ll never know. So what does having low pork tolerance mean? It means abdominal pains, vomiting, rashes and severe breathing issues if the other white meat is ingested. However, at this point the word “ingested” must be noted because being allergic to pork does not mean you’re allergic to pigs. Which is a good thing because...
The neighbors are screaming. It’s barely dawn and already there’s screaming? Not in unison mind you. One shrill voice is panicked, loudly desperately pleading for their dog to “Run away, get back inside!” Another more shocked and somber voice is repeating, “Oh my god!” It’s coming from the apartment complex next door and Lil Red (that would be my spouse) gives me “the look.” Guys, we know the look or looks, (the plural version is more accurate because there’s not just one). This wasn’t an “I heard a noise in the dark will you go check?” look. Nor was it a come hither look. It wasn’t a WTF? look either (I get that one a lot). No it was the, “There are crazy people screaming outside will you go look?” look. Of course I went, I looked and immediately chimed in with my own OMG! There between the two resident screamers was a pig, sliding around on the icy ground.
PIGGIE STATS: Obviously female, judging by its piggie boobies, and well into years by its coloring. The markings left to question whether it was domestic because they resembled that of a wild boar. A little under four feet from snout to tail and two feet tall. Weighing a guesstimated 60 to 70 pounds. It was a big pig!
PIG FACTS: Pigs are herbivores and will eat just about anything, this includes people. Yes, the whole Silence of the Lambs thing was for real.
Deciding to assist I slowly approach the swine speaking in soft tones and then... This little piggie came to Chainsaw. This little piggie seemed nice. But when this little piggie got closer. This little Chainsaw thought twice. Because it wanted to eat me! Initially I was able to push hogzilla away and dodge its snapping jaws. Not wanting to injure the animal, it seemed a strategic retreat was in order. The apartment steps seemed safe because pigs can’t... hmmm what do ya know, pigs can climb stairs. The steps were icy and Miss Piggy was slipping. The neighbors expressed their concern that the pig might injure itself in its attempts to gobble my toes off. So I began bounding from staircase to staircase and then toggling between air conditioner units with the pig in hot pursuit. Much to the delight of my neighbors.
Lil Red came to my rescue and tried to console the wild hog using her farm girl skills and love for animals powers. Too bad she lacked my long legs and comic wit when it turned on her. Luckily, that’s when the hotdog buns showed up. The apartmenteers began chunking foodstuffs at the agitated swine and this seemed to calm the savage beast. The pig made a pig of itself devouring a pack of hotdog buns, a loaf of bread, several pieces of fried chicken, dog food, a salad and maybe a pinecone. (We’re thinking of opening a neighborhood diner: Le Swine.) We managed to keep her corralled, occupied and out of the road while making pig puns till an animal control officer arrived. At which point he promptly (and literally) put the pig in a blanket and took her off to search for an owner.
All said and done we were half frozen and exhausted from the endeavor. But there were smiles and good cheer all around because it had been a different and quite entertaining way to start the day. In addition we had combined our efforts to aid a helpless lost creature and that is a nice feeling. Just remember if you ever confront an unfamiliar animal do not try approach it unless you have knowledge and skills with that particular type of animal or really good comedic timing.
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