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April 16, 2015

Last week’s column concluded with a resounding proclamation—“Thus I implore of you my dear reader, please tune in next week for what may certainly be my final literary symphony. The end is nigh.” If you missed last week’s issue well you probably have no idea what I’m talking about and won’t understand anything beyond this point. And you suck for not being a diligent reader. OK, since this is kind of important we’ll overlook your suckiness and try to idiot proof this thing so everyone can follow along. Now about that proclamation thingie...

Many of you took this statement in stride, probably looking at it as a subscription-driving gimmick. Kind of like those “close-out” stores that never really close and that are so hard to get out of. It can also be ascertained that a number of you viewed it as a belated April Fool’s Day gag. This is no surprise since this column is known for setting its readers up and then tossing in a twisted zinger at the end. Sadly, some of you simply shrugged it off and just didn’t care. Currently, I am shrugging and not caring about you back...see, it’s not a nice feeling now is it? Oh well (shrug).

Thankfully a precious few of you saw it for what it truly is: Have Chainsaw Will Travel bidding a fond farewell to the pages of FOCUS. That would make what you are currently reading the last article. Yes my dear reader this is neither a gag nor a gimmick, by all means this will be the last article...well it was supposed to be anyway. As it turns out those who fall into the “precious and few” category are also very persuasive.

In truth the decision to bring this column to a close was not an easy one to make nor was it a welcome one. Being borderline insane doesn’t help making such decisions; which is why I’m glad I never really made it.

Well I did but then changed my mind, or rather had my mind changed for me (those precious few again). Let’s just say a pleasant compromise was reached.

So this will not be “the last column” and the end is sometime in the distant future. However as we dawn on Have Chainsaw Will Travel’s tenth year...yes it has been that long. Weird isn’t it? It only seems like yesterday that I was riding bikes with my grandson a.k.a. Tot...wait that was yesterday. Hmm, guess that’s why it seemed that way. What the hell were we talking about again...oh yeah—ten years?

Yes, it has been a full decade (this year) since this column’s official debut into the pages of this wonderful publication (the grand anniversary issue is still in the works). That seems like too much of a rich history full of zombies and psychological pondering to just walk away from. But after close to (or well over) 500 articles it seems a break may be in order. This is where the compromise part comes in.

So rather than leave these haloed pages I will be taking a brief sabbatical; a little time to relax, regroup and reload my mental faculties. Venturing to parts unknown and exploring the venues of foreign lands. Traveling the vast woodlands and communing with nature whilst tracking leads on the Yeti. Establishing communications with alien races and then stealing their technologies so I can sell it for profit. Boldly going where no man has gone before...then coming back and saying I went there first. Hmmm ,should be able to take care of all that in a couple of weeks plus additional travel let’s round it off to a month or less. Till then some classic tales will fill the void until my return. Enjoy the break...I’ll be back!

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry


Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set


HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages


For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!


Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!


A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending


The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke


The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide





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