Running With Scissors
April 23, 2015
We are all warned at an early age by our parents and teachers or by any responsible adult left with charge of us, should the situation arise, that running while carrying scissors is extremely hazardous to our well being. For that matter it may very well be the most dangerous thing we can do.
Really though, who the hell runs with scissors often enough to make it a viable threat? Where are these “scissor runners”? Do they exist? Or maybe the consequence of running with scissors is so severe, when it does occur it happens so fast no one takes notice. Maybe it’s a part of a big cover-up. Somebody runs with scissors and then...well, whatever horror is supposed to happens to them. Then those not running with scissors are hypnotized and brainwashed to erase the incident from their memories. Perhaps, they are even made to forget that the perpetrator of the scissor-running ever even existed. Now there’s a threat—don’t run with scissors or you may very well cease to exist. Chilling thought isn’t it? One violation of speedy transport of school supplies could wipe you off the map. So don’t run with scissors.
This warning falls into the same category of a sometimes forced request which is somewhat outdated and forgotten but still applies. This would be a mothers insistence that, “you must be wearing fresh clean underwear when you leave the house.” The motherly logic is simple to understand, if somewhat flawed. If something were to happen to you that required medical attention, which required you being striped down to your skivvies to be treated, the attending medical personnel would see that you had a good mom because she makes sure your undies are clean.
When you question exactly what sort of medical emergency requires almost full nudity to be treated, the answer would be you could be hit by a truck and therein lies the flaw in mom’s logic. Most likely if you are hit by a truck, the first thing you’ll do is s*** yourself; no more clean underwear.
Of course getting hit by a truck shouldn’t be an issue, if you follow that other old rule: don’t play in the road. You don’t play in the road, you don’t get hit by a truck. You don’t get hit by a truck, paramedics don’t see your poop stained drawers. And since nobody’s gonna see them who cares if they’re dirty.
While on the subject of uncontrollable bodily functions there’s a rule of hygiene that applies at any age. When getting into a bathtub full of pleasantly warm water, do not pee in the tub. It’s gross and you shouldn’t even need me to explain why. You can however pee in the shower but don’t poop in the shower. For gawd’s sake don’t poop in the tub either. You know just to be safe, pooping in any body of water you may find yourself in is a bad idea. And don’t play with poop, yours or anyone else’s, because you never know where it’s been. Actually, you know exactly where it’s been. That in itself should be reason enough not to touch it.
Speaking of things not to play with; stay away from rusty razor blades and broken glass. How exactly does one “play” with these items? The more important question would be where does one find readily available razor blades (rusty or not) and all this broken glass that’s just lying around everywhere, waiting to be played with. Probably down in those holes. You know, the ones you’d fall into if you didn’t pay attention to where you were going. I paid attention, I saw no holes and boy I hated missing out on all those great razor blades and pieces of broken glass.
In modern times the rules have changed drastically and in most cases do not apply to children of today. So are these kids smarter than their predecessors in that they don’t need such simplistic guidelines? Or do they lack the sense of adventure and quest for excitement that used to make growing up so much fun? Think about that long enough and the conclusion you will reach may frighten you just a bit.
Saw is taking a short break, he’ll be back in about a month with new columns. This is a Chainsaw Classic!
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