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5 Minutes Later...

May 21, 2015

Hello, oh diligent reader (or random persons who have decided to read this week’s column) and welcome back to… (rapid drum roll) Have Chainsaw Will Travel (cymbal crash!). For those of you who are regular readers, you are aware that I am returning to these hallowed pages after a month long sabbatical. For those of you who are irregular readers…get more fiber in your diet and try to keep up.

My time away from the FOCUS was used wisely for meditation whilst traveling to distant lands and exploring many foreign cultures. During my short absence, I have become fluent in Spanish. Well, I’ve memorized most of the menu at Taco Bell which is sort of like Spanish. Also I have spent time within the walls of an ancient Chinese dojo… (OK, it was a martial arts class at the Y but that building was pretty old). While there I learned karate, or at least how to spell it correctly. This is important to know so you don’t confuse it with “karaoke.” Though I must admit it is far better to go into a karaoke bar knowing karate than going to a karate bar and trying to sing karaoke.

Some other goals accomplished were finally tracking down the elusive Yeti (that would be the Chinese term for Bigfoot) and establishing communications with alien races. As it turns out, Yetis are aliens, so it was like two stoned birds…or is that throwing two birds against a stone? Something about rocks and murdering birds…ah screw it.

Actually, I’ve spent the last month hanging out with Tot (grandson), scripting a comic book (we’ll get to that next week) and smoking cigarettes (yes, still trying to cut back on that). Now thirty days have gone by so it’s back to business as usual. Seeing as how the article that announced my temporary departure was entitled “Back in 5 Minutes” it seems only fitting to acknowledge that time frame. Picking up right where we left off because that month went by so quick it feels like…5 minutes later.

“DIT UP!” the shrill, child-like voice of my stuffed, yellow bear sidekick John Q. cuts through the early morning air, like a warm chocolate bar through cotton candy…(now there’s an odd visual for you). The bedside clock is quietly proclaiming that it is five on the a.m. side of things. Thus the response to his high-pitched plea is a negative. Suddenly a barrage of tiny stuffie punches rivets down my back, with a force equivalent to cotton balls being fired from a slingshot. “DIT UP! DIT UP! DIT UP! You dotta wite!” Ouch! That last jab felt like a fireplace poker…or a bony finger. A quick glance reveals that Frank a.k.a. The Angel of Death, (another close friend of mine) has joined in on John’s quest to get me to rise before the sun. Per usual, Frank wants to bum a smoke, but is also insisting I rise and begin my task. Rolling away, I’m confronted by a weary eyed Lil Red (that’d be the wife) who informs me it’s time to get up. Not so much herself…just me. She’s not insisting that I go write but rather that Frank and John in the bedroom is weirdo. I don’t think she sees them as I do but she lovingly tolerates my delusional insanity.

Fine, fine, fine! Here we are! Out of bed, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, dressed and ready to…no wait forgot my pants…hold on a second.

OK, so now- here we are seated before the keyboard, loaded with caffeine and nicotine and ready to rejoin the literary world of contributing writers (knuckle cracking sound effect). Now… what to write? This is the first article after my break so it has to be really good…no… great! Perhaps it should announce and acknowledge my triumphant return? No, that’s too ego-matic. Maybe I should open with a running joke? Too obvious! It has to be something innovative and new, or perhaps something basic and to the point? Hmmm

Wait! I’ve got it! I’ll just start with a casual greeting…like this-

Hello, oh diligent reader (or random persons who have decided to read this week’s column) and welcome back to… (rapid drum roll) Have Chainsaw Will Travel (cymbal crash!). For those of you who are regular readers, you are aware that I am returning to these hallowed pages after a month long sabbatical. For those of you who are irregular readers…get more fiber in your diet and try to keep up.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




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