Custom Search




banner2

banner3

banner3

tel:18003484095


Close In-Counter

The Crooked Man

September 17, 2015

There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile, He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile; He bought a crooked cat which caught a crooked mouse, And they all lived together in a little crooked house.

This rhyme was composed by James Orchard Halliwell in the 1840s and gained popularity in the early twentieth century. The crooked man is reputed to be the Scottish General Sir Alexander Leslie who signed a covenant securing religious and political freedom for Scotland. The “crooked stile” in the poem was the border between England and Scotland. “They all lived together in a little crooked house” refers to the fact that the English and Scots had at last come to an agreement, despite continuing animosity between the two peoples, who nonetheless had to live with each other due to their common border.

In more recent years the Crooked Man has been viewed as a villain in fairy tale, cartoon and comic book lore. Playing the seedy antagonist he commits acts of villainy against the more goody goody nursery rhyme characters. Sometimes the term “crooked” is used to represent his evil and wicked ways. In other instances it’s taken more literally and the Crooked Man’s actual appearance is misshapen and deformed.

Well, that was a very informative and insightful look into a lesser known nursery rhyme that few remember and even fewer care about. So why even bother to reference it? The reason is in the last line, because I live in “a little crooked house.” This is not to say that I am a “crooked man.” I mean we all have our wicked ways but that doesn’t define me. Also I am not deformed…wait… checking the mirror… yeah un-deformed here. The sixpence, mile, stile, cat and mouse are all also irrelevant. The part that’s important is the little crooked house.

This is not to insinuate that the house is not wicked or evil. Sure we’ve had demon attacks and ghostly hauntings but that doesn’t mean…maybe I need to reconsider the “house is not wicked or evil” statement. Anyway spiritual ties notwithstanding the house is in fact crooked…as in literally crooked… in the deformed sense. There is not a square angle or straight line to be found in all its cubic footage. Seeing as how when the house was obtained it was a fixer upper this fact became very apparent early on during fixing upping part. Now even that the fixing upper days are over the houses lack of geometric sanity plays a heavy role in even the most minor modification or remodeling endeavor.

Case in point my little wife’s desire for a new range for her birthday. If it were simply a matter of out with the old and in with the new that wouldn’t be a problem. But within the walls of the crooked house it’s never that simple. The house still had the golden harvest stove top and wall oven that was installed when the house was built in the 60s. What can I say, I have an affinity for old appliances. But when they stop working properly and you have to scavenge through antiques stores for parts perhaps it’s time for an upgrade. These were two separate units in two separate places. This meant that combining the two into one would take some thought and effort.

Gearing up to the challenging task of removing the old stove and oven was a wasted effort. As it turned out they weren’t attached to anything and basically just fell out. This was very disconcerting and I lost a little faith in the “things were built better back then” mantra. Turning the hole left by the wall oven into a cubby wasn’t really so bad and it got replaced by the microwave. Now came the cutting of the countertop’s stove hole to make room for the range. My gawd! Seriously? Why did they need 20 billion nails to hold a single post in place? Jigsaw blade No.2. Measuring the front of the counter in contrast to the rear found an ? inch differential. So we’ll just cut it cockeyed and match the off angles accordingly, but which side? Should we trim a little off both? Nay I say! Tis the crooked house so we’ll go by one side and cut on the other. Ha Ha victory…no not quite. Well then let’s cut the bottom half and line the top with it. Nope, that’s no good the walls leaning out an extra ? inch down there. Damn it!

After a literal day of measuring and pondering I put my spouse’s worries and woes aside and told her we would handle this the way I have learned when dealing with this crooked house. Don’t look to create a perfect angle. Don’t focus on keeping the line straight. To hell with levels, squares, rulers, measuring tapes or anything that would make sense in standard construction. Eyeball it real good, cut everything and hope for the best. But what about the odd angles and uneven lines? Well sweetheart that’s what wood putty and molding are for.

UPDATE: As of completing this article the wife’s new range sits in a nice little cubby hole in the kitchen…she’s working on the wood puttying part now.

Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

ARCHIVES:

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry

SELF LAMBASTING

Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set

HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!

Zoo-Illogical

Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

Distractions

A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending

Life

The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

fanjoylabrenz.jpg   BannerEventAd-01.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm | focusnews@centurylink.net

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2017 Tucker Productions, Inc.