September 24, 2015
Apologies in advance. For the most part this column tries to adhere to universal standard, producing weekly articles which can be picked up and understood any place, any time, by anyone. Ask any writer, or if you are one, ask yourself and they will tell you, or you will tell you, that this can present a bit of a challenge at times. To continually and constantly idiot-proof pop literature for the masses is damned near impossible. This is not to say that any of you reading this are idiots. However, in the event you are an idiot—Thanks for your patronage! This week’s column is going to be a bit less user-friendly than usual. If you’re a regular here then enjoy the ride, if not feel free to get off at any time. Incidentally it will also help if you’ve seen the 2014 drama/thriller Gone Girl.
It was a typical Saturday morning. Having gone out early to procure ice cream and cigarettes, I stopped for gas and to pick up a FOCUS at a local station before heading back home. Gas is pumping, flipping through the paper, pausing momentarily on Page 3, and wondering what that idiot Chainsaw guy has to say on page 18. Minutes later I’m pulling back onto the highway with a full tank, for an uneventful drive home. My arrival would turn out to be anything but uneventful.
The back door stands ajar and inside there’s blood everywhere! Well not really everywhere…actually just in the kitchen…in a big puddle. Gasp, are those hand prints being dragged through and away? Don’t touch anything, preserve the crime scene and call the cops. Misdialing 911 twice before being informed the police are already on the way and to stay where I am. Simultaneously the wife pops her head around the corner and asks who I’m talking to. Gasp, again, either she doesn’t know she’s been murdered or she murdered somebody. There are two squirrels sitting in the kitchen window sill pointing and chittering away.
Thank gawd for forensics. Turns out it was rabbits’ blood, so no one was actually murdered…except a rabbit…maybe two, it was a lot of blood. No charges filed and thank gawd again for washable paint. As to who murdered the rabbit (rabbits?) in my kitchen I’d no idea. But the acorns the cops bagged as evidence gave me a hint.
That night the police treated us to their presence once again. A report had been called in of a literal pile of stolen goods hidden away in my basement. But we’re remodeling and the basement is empty…aside from a large pile of acorns and mixed nuts in one corner. A group of squirrels were watching from the bushes when I was issued a citation for filing a false report. I don’t think they thought I saw them and maybe I didn’t, but I knew they were there. It was only when in capturing one of the furry little b*****ds, while he was trying to chew through my brake lines, that the truth came out. The squirrels were angry with me. And so I did what any sane person would do; I requested a peace conference.
Though I wasn’t sure how they’d gotten that metal detector in the tree, I was glad I’d not gone with Plan A: Shoot everybody. Once seated and passing on a nut-flavored beverage, we began talks.
The squirrel community was jealous of the rabbits, saying that I favored them in my writings. They often felt that their lifestyle was down played and made out to be the butt of the jokes in literature. They demanded equality. My only query to them was, Why me?
Their response: They couldn’t afford bus fare to get to anyone else.
With no other course of action available I apologized for my lack of respect and empathy towards the squirrel populace. Seriously, we were 40 feet up and I knew they’d throw me out if I didn’t. They only accepted when I promised to tell their story and end my next article with a positive squirrel reference.
What you’ve just read may come across as the ramblings of a mad man and maybe it is. However, if you look a little deeper there is a message raveled and woven between the dark humor and insane overtones. What is that message? Well, it’s what you find and make of it. Just remember every act of disregard spins our world closer to its end. And there the rabbits are listening and the squirrels are always waiting for you to go nuts.
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!