HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear
but fear itself?
Actually, there’s way more!
October 1, 2015
Ah, October is upon us. Nature is displaying all its splendor in a fireworks display of natural colors and that can mean only one thing…it’s almost Christmas! Have you started your shopping yet? Because that’s what it’s all about, spending and wasting as much money as possible. Not to mention getting more stuff that you don’t really need. What? You haven’t even started? Dear gawd you fool, why are you even taking the time to read this? Get out there and shop, shop, shop! Christmas is only 86 days away and if you’re reading this after its publication date you’ve even less days! Hurry, they’ll be piping holiday tunage out at the stores very soon. You don’t want to miss out on overcrowded shopping centers. Not to mention the decorating, cooking, gift wrapping and all that fun filled holiday stress.
My apologies, that intro was probably too scary to use, even for the subject matter at hand. No worries dear readers X-mas is still two months and two holidays away. So breathe easy and still your hearts or perhaps not. Because the arrival of October does mean that Hell-o-ween will soon be upon us. This means the time when fear equals fun is at hand.
It has become a tradition during the weeks which lead up to this most horrific of holidays that this column will cater to your need for a good bit of fright. Each article dedicated to sending a chill down your spine, a glance over your shoulder or at least maybe a smile on your face. So without further ado we dive head first into the very bowels of horror that is Hell-o-ween.
Before we truly enter this gauntlet of unimaginable terror, we’ll start off light. For those who are faint of heart we’ll begin by looking at a few things that are frightening regardless of the time frame in which they occur. Things such as…
The small spider that is now sitting atop your ear. The silhouette of a small child; standing by your bed when you awake in the middle of the night. Realizing your child is staying with someone else. Peeing in the bed as an adult. Finding your child’s bed empty and freaking out before you remember they’re staying with someone else. Developing Alzheimer’s at an early age.
The spider is now creeping down your outer ear. Kids who seem too involved with an “imaginary” friend. Finding out their friend isn’t imaginary. Adults with imaginary friends. Discovering all your friends are imaginary. Realizing you’re an imaginary friend. Uninvited guests. Invited guest who won’t leave. The spider is on your earlobe now. The pitter-patter of little feet, when yours are the only feet in the house. Having to take your peed-in clothes to the laundry a second time. Seeing things that aren’t really there. Discovering that one of the things you saw is there and is going to get you. The spider is creeping across your cheek with its 8 hairy little legs. A third presidential term. Stepping in dogs*** in your kitchen in the dark. You don’t own a dog. Trump in 2016. The realization that it is his real hair and not a dead cat. The way cats just like show up out of nowhere.
Creepy crawly little spider on your jaw. Racism. Civil war. Accidentally dropping a perfectly roasted marshmallow into the fire. Finding maggots in the other half of your pork chop. A bouncing ball, a running child, an open road and a speeding truck. A child behind the wheel of a speeding truck and you’re holding the ball. Creepy little spider working his way towards your mouth. A foul stench in a closed elevator. The realization you are the source of said stench. People who bathe casually in public restrooms. Oh look, a cat! People in charge who have no idea what’s going on. People who know what’s going on but refuse to take charge. Being the person that never has any idea what’s going on. The spider is at the corner of your mouth. A scream out of the darkness. You’re the one screaming. You’re screaming because of the spider. The one that just crawled in your mouth. It’s going to burrow into your cheek, lay an egg and then…
Give yourself some due credit if you managed not to touch your face while reading this.
Welcome to Hell-o-ween!Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!