Custom Search




tel:18003484095

banner3

banner3

banner2


HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear

but fear itself?

Actually, there’s way more!

October 1, 2015

Ah, October is upon us. Nature is displaying all its splendor in a fireworks display of natural colors and that can mean only one thing…it’s almost Christmas! Have you started your shopping yet? Because that’s what it’s all about, spending and wasting as much money as possible. Not to mention getting more stuff that you don’t really need. What? You haven’t even started? Dear gawd you fool, why are you even taking the time to read this? Get out there and shop, shop, shop! Christmas is only 86 days away and if you’re reading this after its publication date you’ve even less days! Hurry, they’ll be piping holiday tunage out at the stores very soon. You don’t want to miss out on overcrowded shopping centers. Not to mention the decorating, cooking, gift wrapping and all that fun filled holiday stress.

My apologies, that intro was probably too scary to use, even for the subject matter at hand. No worries dear readers X-mas is still two months and two holidays away. So breathe easy and still your hearts or perhaps not. Because the arrival of October does mean that Hell-o-ween will soon be upon us. This means the time when fear equals fun is at hand.

It has become a tradition during the weeks which lead up to this most horrific of holidays that this column will cater to your need for a good bit of fright. Each article dedicated to sending a chill down your spine, a glance over your shoulder or at least maybe a smile on your face. So without further ado we dive head first into the very bowels of horror that is Hell-o-ween.

Before we truly enter this gauntlet of unimaginable terror, we’ll start off light. For those who are faint of heart we’ll begin by looking at a few things that are frightening regardless of the time frame in which they occur. Things such as…

The small spider that is now sitting atop your ear. The silhouette of a small child; standing by your bed when you awake in the middle of the night. Realizing your child is staying with someone else. Peeing in the bed as an adult. Finding your child’s bed empty and freaking out before you remember they’re staying with someone else. Developing Alzheimer’s at an early age.

The spider is now creeping down your outer ear. Kids who seem too involved with an “imaginary” friend. Finding out their friend isn’t imaginary. Adults with imaginary friends. Discovering all your friends are imaginary. Realizing you’re an imaginary friend. Uninvited guests. Invited guest who won’t leave. The spider is on your earlobe now. The pitter-patter of little feet, when yours are the only feet in the house. Having to take your peed-in clothes to the laundry a second time. Seeing things that aren’t really there. Discovering that one of the things you saw is there and is going to get you. The spider is creeping across your cheek with its 8 hairy little legs. A third presidential term. Stepping in dogs*** in your kitchen in the dark. You don’t own a dog. Trump in 2016. The realization that it is his real hair and not a dead cat. The way cats just like show up out of nowhere.

Creepy crawly little spider on your jaw. Racism. Civil war. Accidentally dropping a perfectly roasted marshmallow into the fire. Finding maggots in the other half of your pork chop. A bouncing ball, a running child, an open road and a speeding truck. A child behind the wheel of a speeding truck and you’re holding the ball. Creepy little spider working his way towards your mouth. A foul stench in a closed elevator. The realization you are the source of said stench. People who bathe casually in public restrooms. Oh look, a cat! People in charge who have no idea what’s going on. People who know what’s going on but refuse to take charge. Being the person that never has any idea what’s going on. The spider is at the corner of your mouth. A scream out of the darkness. You’re the one screaming. You’re screaming because of the spider. The one that just crawled in your mouth. It’s going to burrow into your cheek, lay an egg and then…

Give yourself some due credit if you managed not to touch your face while reading this.

Welcome to Hell-o-ween!Questions, comments and column ideas are welcome via through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

ARCHIVES:

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry

SELF LAMBASTING

Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set

HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!

Zoo-Illogical

Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

Distractions

A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending

Life

The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

BannerEventAd-01.jpg   BannerEventAd-01.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm | focusnews@centurylink.net

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2017 Tucker Productions, Inc.