Trick or Treating With John Q
October 22, 2015
Hallows’ Eve will be upon us. On that night the bowels of Hell will be opened upon the world. The balance between good and evil, the living and the dead, will shift towards the darker side of the force. Demonic forces will be unleashed. The dead will be given license to wander among the living. Restless spirits will rise and roam the dark highways and hillsides. For many this can mean only one thing—PARTY TIME!!!
Yes, for many Halloween is yet another excuse to drink in excess and pass it off as celebrating a holiday. The big difference with this particular “holiday celebration” is it allots for people to break out their hooker fetish wear and pass it off as a costume. “Oh look at me, I’m a Naughty Nurse or a Naughty Taxi Driver or a Naughty Chia Pet.” Basically the concept is to put the word “naughty” in front of practically anything and wear as little as possible. That’s all fine and dandy, have your fun, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just try and remember in your self-centered little universe that this holiday doesn’t belong solely to you. For adults, ways of celebrating Halloween vary widely, from complete abstinence to partying or perhaps a ritualistic virgin sacrifice to Satan. But for children it means only one thing—Trick or Treating.
So this week to honor and acknowledge the true founders of Halloween (this would be the children, not the girl in the Naughty Road Kill outfit) I have asked John Q. (my stuffed, yellow bear side-kick) for some assistance. I asked him to compile a list of ideas for fun, productive and safe Halloweening. His response was 17 pages in descriptive crayon which have been translated below because spellcheck can’t handle his toddler based writing style.
John Q’s TRICK or TREAT TRICKS to get more TREATS:
1. Run! Run everywhere and squeal as loudly as possible! The faster you go the more treats you can trick and do more candy that way. If you squeal loud enough people will think you are a small fire truck and get out of the way!
2. Each people in your trick treating party should have a flashlight or glow stick. This will help with the fire truck trick if you wave it over your head. It is also helpful in blinding people who may try to steal your candy. Oh and it’ll help car driver people to see you too. 3. Make sure you have comfortable shoes. The further you can travel with comforts the more candy you can do. Also the shoes that come with costumes are designed more for cute looking than safety. You could fall and spill your candy.
4. No masks! Especially ones that cover your whole head. You can’t see, you can’t breathe and you can’t eat candy with a mask on!
5. Make sure you get the right-sized costume. Trick treat is only one night and you don’t need something you can “grow into.” If your outfit’s too small they might call you the “naughty whatever.” If it’s too big you could trip and spill the candy.
6. Be sure your costume is potty accessible. Do not poop your suit; it will end the treating immediately.
7. About the running in No 1 sigh…Mr. Chainsaw man says you shouldn’t do running cuz you might run in front of a car or somebody. No squealing either sigh…it disrupts other’s fun times.
8. You should walk when you go out for treats cuz adults are slow and will get lost if you leave them behind.
9. Stay hydro-ed! Trick treating is hard work so have something to drink. This only applies to kids…no adult beverages.
10. Do not trick treat strangers. Though they have the best candy and may offer you a ride don’t do it!
11. If you are being a ninja use a pretend sword that’s soft. Not only could you fall on it and get injuries but also too people might think you are a real ninja and lock the door. If your sword were real you could chop up their door and take the candy but that’s not a very nice thing to do.
12. Trick treat ends at 9 p.m. That is when big people Halloween begins and everything is dangerous because big people aren’t responsible quite a lot.
13. Let an adult person check your candy before you eat it. Some big people are meanies and make bad candy that will hurt you.
14. Be safe! Have the most fun! Eat lots of candy!
Thanks John, for that helpful insight into Halloween safety. In all seriousness, folks please remember this holiday above all others puts people of all ages out on the night roads. Drink responsibly, drive even more responsibly and be alert for little ghosts, ghouls and goblins. No point in ending a happy child’s life and ruining your own through guilt.
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!