Chainsaw vs The Devil
October 29, 2015
A light-hearted encounter with the ruler of Hades seems a nice way to wrap-up Hell-o-ween!
It was a chilly early autumn afternoon. The kind of evening where you could bundle up and run about outside, but it was far cozier just to linger indoors. My grandson aka Tot and myself had taken up refuge in the garage/ day room/ workshop/ playroom…this room is a serious and efficient multi-tasker. The Tot too was multi-tasking, as only a three year old can. He was alternating between dancing, playing with cars, as well as hitting me with his big green foam rubber Hulk fists. Meanwhile I strummed haphazardly on my guitar. Not really trying to play just playing around in hopes to pique his interest in music and the arts; occasionally pausing to “let him try it.”
Suddenly the back door blew open. Thick red and black smoke accompanied by a fiery flashy light show rolled in. Slowly it formed into a pointy tailed, bright red, horned figure in the room’s midst. It seemed the Devil had come for a visit and chosen a more traditionally based appearance. That’s when the fiddling started… Well, the Devil came down to Hickory, He was lookin’ for a soul to steal. He was in a bind ‘cause he was way behind and he was willin’ to make a deal.
When he came across this young man; strummin’ a guitar with a tot and the Devil jumped up on a wicker settee and said, “Boy, let me tell you what. You probably didn’t know it but I’m a guitar player, too. And if you care to take a dare I’ll just make a bet with you. Now you play a pretty good guitar, boy, but give the Devil his due. I’ll bet a 6-string of gold against your soul
I think I’m better than you.”
So I said, “My name’s Chainsaw and it might be a sin but…OK seriously I don’t mean to screw up your whole rhyme scheme but I don’t play guitar,” I confessed. I’ve only had this thing for a week and I suck at Guitar Hero so it may be awhile before I’m actually playing.”
“Oh,” the lord of flies said pondering, “…well do you have any other hobbies?”
“Well, I write.” I replied.
Satan shook his head, “No, J.C.’s already trumped me on that and I refuse to compete with a thousand year old best seller. I meant any other musical interests?”
Mentioning my half-assed harmonica skills seemed pointless; it was obvious Satan preferred string instruments or at least something you played by hand…ah ha! “There are two things I play that are sorta instruments,” I offered, “I’m pretty good on a chainsaw and…”
“Oh excellent,” the Devil interrupted, “then let us commence!” And the fiddling music resumed. “Chainsaw you oil up your blade and run your saw hard. ‘Cause hell’s broke loose in Hickory and the Devil deals the cards. And if you win you get a shiny Homelite XL made of gold but if you lose the Devil gets your soul.”
The Devil opened up his case and he said, “I’ll start this show!” And fire flew from his fingertips as he pulled out a Poulan Pro. And then he pulled on the rip cord and it made an evil hiss. And a band of demons joined in and it sounded something like this- chic-chic BOOM!
“What the Hell?” Satan ironically questioned, “you just blew my bass players head off!”
As I reloaded the shotgun I nodded to the fiddle player to continue and sang…“Well I bet you didn’t know that I’m a demon slayer too. So you had best get outta here or I’ll be shooting you!”
“Pack up your boys cause it’s best that you just move along. Or as Clint Eastwood would say- Get off of my lawn!”
Well that ol’ Devil bowed his head because he knew that he’d been beat. And he and his demonic band made a hasty retreat. Chainsaw said, “Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again. And I’ll fill your ass with buckshot from my12-gauge Remington!”
So the Devil left, Tot waved him ‘bye. We asked the fiddle player to hang around for a bit after we found out he could play the Hokey Pokey.
And thus we end Hell-o-ween for 2015 on a bizarre musical note. Incidentally and in all seriousness, if you ever are confronted by Lucifer, be wary. Though it all seems like tempting fun, he will most likely renege in the event you beat him. And since we all know most lawyers are residents of Hell anyway, a legal battle for restitution for souls lost or unfulfilled contracts with Satan would be pointless.
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!