Custom Search





Memoir From The Soviet Union

November 19, 2015

Regards, oh ravenous reader, hope you’re readily receptive to a rather rapid rendition of Have Chainsaw Will Travel. You are? Great! Because we’re on a tight time frame here and we’ve no time to squander. Well, actually that’s really a one-sided thing. You could very well have read just the first line of this column when you picked the paper up. Then two months later, you might find it and finish it when there’s nothing else to read in the potty. Yeah, now that I think about it, no matter how fast this thing is being typed, you could take forever and a day to read it. Hmmm...OK for the sake of argument (and so you get the full effect) let’s pretend you have to read as fast as I have to compose and type. So c’mon hurry, let’s go!

“What’s the rush?” you ask. Fine, let’s waste time explaining. Normally this column’s construction begins in the post-midnight hours of Sunday morning. The hours spent creating these literary masterpieces… (sorry)… (laughing) is a sacred private time. However this week’s sacred private time has been compromised in advance. Thus, here we are on a late Saturday night, trying to come up with a feasible and reasonably entertaining column idea. Now let’s push on, there’s nary a moment to waste!

“What has compromised my privates?” you ask. Wow, aren’t we just chock-full of inquiring, not to mention time-wasting questions. Fine, fine, fine. We are in a hurry and have to finish this up by tonight because tomorrow preparations have to begin for the Tot party. “What Tot party?” Tot’s 4th Birthday party, of course (BTW, Tot is my grandson aka Saw 3). By law you have to throw tots parties until they are 16. Then they can drive and will want to have their own party because you’re not cool enough, even though you bought them the car. No, you can’t come to the Tot party! Cake is expensive! No, you can’t crash the tot party either, tot parties are complicated. Look, we’re wasting time here with all this tot party talk. We need to focus (shameless plug) on coming up with a quick idea for…wait that’s it!!!

Chainsaw’s Guide to the Complicated World of Tot Parties:

To throw a successful tot party, the first thing you must do is have a tot. You can either make one or just find one wandering around Walmart by themselves. That is a joke! Do not kidnap tots! Once you have acquired a tot…legally. Ya know adoption is a good option if you have room in your heart and home for a tot. Hmmm that’s actually a catchy slogan- Adoption is a Good Option. Wait where were we…we’ve no time to drift off-subject. Oh yes, proper tot parties.

The tot must be clean and well rested prior to the tot party. Stinky, tired tots suck. You will need two cakes because tots like to touch cakes and may have spittle if they blow out the candles. Tots get bored easily, so once you give them cake, follow up quickly with gifts to make the best use of the sugar rush and…geezus…we’ve no more time for tot crap!

Sorry to cut that short. I’m sure many of you were taking notes on how to have proper tot parties or hoping I’d go into detail about making your own tots. We REALLY don’t have time for that! Gawd look at the time you’ve wasted. Yes, you! Asking your snoopy questions. No, not the Peanuts kind of snoopy; the kind of snoopy that…screw it! There isn’t time for me to explain the various variations of snoopy usage.

I miss Charles Shultz. Sometimes I feel sad knowing that I’ll never get to meet the cartoonists and writers that have inspired me because they are dead. Always wondering if they would have found humor and entertainment in my works. Let’s take a moment here. If you yourself have ever found inspiration, motivation or mental constipation for my writings…please…contact me before it is too late. Send me an e-mail or a note on Facebook.

But not right now, because while you’re getting all emotionally invested we’re rapidly running out of time. At this rate we’ll never get this column typed up in time for…Hey, whaddya know! We’re here. We have arrived with time to spare. Well thanks and congratulations on an expedient job well done.

Incidentally, if you’re questioning this week’s title—Memoirs from the Soviet Union—and wondering what it had to do with the article well…I was Rush-in the entire time! Yes, you did just go through all that for a lame one-line joke.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

Hell-O-Ween 2015 The Absence of Light

HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!


Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry


Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set


HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages


For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!


Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!


A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending


The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke


The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide





BannerEventAd-01.jpg   BannerEventAd-01.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm |

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2018 Tucker Productions, Inc.