Memoir From The Soviet Union
November 19, 2015
Regards, oh ravenous reader, hope you’re readily receptive to a rather rapid rendition of Have Chainsaw Will Travel. You are? Great! Because we’re on a tight time frame here and we’ve no time to squander. Well, actually that’s really a one-sided thing. You could very well have read just the first line of this column when you picked the paper up. Then two months later, you might find it and finish it when there’s nothing else to read in the potty. Yeah, now that I think about it, no matter how fast this thing is being typed, you could take forever and a day to read it. Hmmm...OK for the sake of argument (and so you get the full effect) let’s pretend you have to read as fast as I have to compose and type. So c’mon hurry, let’s go!
“What’s the rush?” you ask. Fine, let’s waste time explaining. Normally this column’s construction begins in the post-midnight hours of Sunday morning. The hours spent creating these literary masterpieces… (sorry)… (laughing) is a sacred private time. However this week’s sacred private time has been compromised in advance. Thus, here we are on a late Saturday night, trying to come up with a feasible and reasonably entertaining column idea. Now let’s push on, there’s nary a moment to waste!
“What has compromised my privates?” you ask. Wow, aren’t we just chock-full of inquiring, not to mention time-wasting questions. Fine, fine, fine. We are in a hurry and have to finish this up by tonight because tomorrow preparations have to begin for the Tot party. “What Tot party?” Tot’s 4th Birthday party, of course (BTW, Tot is my grandson aka Saw 3). By law you have to throw tots parties until they are 16. Then they can drive and will want to have their own party because you’re not cool enough, even though you bought them the car. No, you can’t come to the Tot party! Cake is expensive! No, you can’t crash the tot party either, tot parties are complicated. Look, we’re wasting time here with all this tot party talk. We need to focus (shameless plug) on coming up with a quick idea for…wait that’s it!!!
Chainsaw’s Guide to the Complicated World of Tot Parties:
To throw a successful tot party, the first thing you must do is have a tot. You can either make one or just find one wandering around Walmart by themselves. That is a joke! Do not kidnap tots! Once you have acquired a tot…legally. Ya know adoption is a good option if you have room in your heart and home for a tot. Hmmm that’s actually a catchy slogan- Adoption is a Good Option. Wait where were we…we’ve no time to drift off-subject. Oh yes, proper tot parties.
The tot must be clean and well rested prior to the tot party. Stinky, tired tots suck. You will need two cakes because tots like to touch cakes and may have spittle if they blow out the candles. Tots get bored easily, so once you give them cake, follow up quickly with gifts to make the best use of the sugar rush and…geezus…we’ve no more time for tot crap!
Sorry to cut that short. I’m sure many of you were taking notes on how to have proper tot parties or hoping I’d go into detail about making your own tots. We REALLY don’t have time for that! Gawd look at the time you’ve wasted. Yes, you! Asking your snoopy questions. No, not the Peanuts kind of snoopy; the kind of snoopy that…screw it! There isn’t time for me to explain the various variations of snoopy usage.
I miss Charles Shultz. Sometimes I feel sad knowing that I’ll never get to meet the cartoonists and writers that have inspired me because they are dead. Always wondering if they would have found humor and entertainment in my works. Let’s take a moment here. If you yourself have ever found inspiration, motivation or mental constipation for my writings…please…contact me before it is too late. Send me an e-mail or a note on Facebook.
But not right now, because while you’re getting all emotionally invested we’re rapidly running out of time. At this rate we’ll never get this column typed up in time for…Hey, whaddya know! We’re here. We have arrived with time to spare. Well thanks and congratulations on an expedient job well done.
Incidentally, if you’re questioning this week’s title—Memoirs from the Soviet Union—and wondering what it had to do with the article well…I was Rush-in the entire time! Yes, you did just go through all that for a lame one-line joke.
I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!