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Heading For A Eulogy

January 14, 2016

HEY! HOLD IT! STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! Don’t flip back through and whatever you do don’t turn… you turned the damned page. OK stop! You’re right where you want to be and the contents on page 18 of FOCUS are still the same, for the most part. You’re probably just a little confused and thrown off a bit by the new column header. Now if…OK you flipped on by again…we’ll wait for you. Oh for gawd’s sake, stop just looking at the pictures and read the fuc…alright, now we’re literally all on the same page.

Hello and welcome back to Have Chainsaw Will Travel! Hang on just a sec…let me try and straighten this spiffy new header (bump, bump, skootch, nudge—insert additional adjustment sound effects here). There we go, nice and straight. So, what do ya think? What? No, I didn’t sell out and no, we’re not under new management. It just seemed that after ten years this column’s header was due for an update. Yeah, it’ll take some getting used to and… hey don’t cry, we’ll all get used to it together. Besides the old header is making a cameo appearance as this week’s photo before it goes to the great recycling bin in the sky. See, its right over there…somewhere. Hmmm new header, old header, so that makes this week’s column a double header hahahahahaha…ahem. Anywho…

This literary ship’s been sailing under the same flag for over a decade, which would put its official original launch date sometime in early 2005. In truth, it unofficially drifts back a few more years than that. Initially the concept of a saw-handed lunatic movie reviewer converting over to a weekly editorial column didn’t go over too well. Ironically, support in this endeavor came from the without and opposition came from within, much of which was seemingly based on petty jealousy and a need for drama. My sincerest apologies that people liked me better and that you suck. The real kicker is that had any of those opposing forces simply told me to pack up my saw and go away I would have done so without giving a s***. It’s a little too late now :-P

In those early years, HCSAWWT didn’t have a header, it didn’t run on a regular enough basis to merit one. The ongoing battle to get articles approved for print was exhausting and oft lost. Thus the series had no regularity and popped up randomly. In ’05 the balance finally shifted in my favor and a regular column head was called for, but what should it be?

Originally the column’s concept had been purely human interest. With each article incorporating an interview with an actual person who had something interesting going on. This meant that each week many a mile was covered. Since at the time my chainsaw was always stowed in the back of my vehicle, the column’s title was quite literal, “I had a chainsaw and I traveled.” But how do you create a visual of that? Show yourself carrying a chainsaw down the street—Duh! However my fragile ego and low self-esteem wouldn’t allow for my ugly mug to be printed in a weekly paper for people to judge. So the decision to make the saw itself the column’s symbol was decided. The fact that it ended up in a trunk was simply because it was the only piece of luggage I had big enough to hold it.

Over the years (OMG just typing that makes me feel old as dinosaur poop) this column’s direction has changed significantly. Long gone is the literal aspect of “travel” and the person to person interviews are long forgotten. Over time the chainsaw is no longer a symbol that I carry, it is what I have become… that’s purely metaphorical because turning into a power-tool is stupid… unless you’re a Transformer… or porn star.

I am the chainsaw. The writer that cuts through the literary B.S., trashes the P.C. and drifts down those mental paths that strike fear in people who aren’t often afraid of paths. You my friends, oh loyal readers, are the travelers. So follow me away from your regular day to day, step outside your mind to play, with a new header to lead the way (thank you Dr. Seuss).

On a serious note, from this point forward HCSAWWT will be using the new header you’re seeing this week. So let’s see if we can keep this s*** up for another decade or so.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




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