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A Better Mousetrap

May 23, 2013

“Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door.” This well worn phrase is actually a manipulated misquote of Ralph Waldo Emerson (May 25, 1803 - April 27, 1882). We will not make mention of the original quote because it is outdated and probably wouldn’t make much sense to those of you who are stupid. Emerson was an American essayist, lecturer, and poet, who led the Transcendentalist movement of the mid-19th century. The reason we know the phrase is a misquote is because the invention of the current standard of mousetraps came in 1889, seven years after Emerson’s death.

Since then the phrase has turned into a metaphor about the power of innovation. However, it is frequently taken literally, with more than 4,400 patents issued by the United States Patent and Trademark Office for new mousetraps, with thousands more unsuccessful applicants (most of these submitted by Sylvester and Tom). Making the mousetrap the “most frequently invented device in U.S. history.”

Well that was a very informative History/English lesson. Hopefully you were all taking notes so you can do well on the...QUIZ! Ha-ha POP QUIZ suckers. Take your No.2 pencils and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine because you are f......just kidding. There’s not a quiz...get the pencil out of your...non-sun shine place.

Ya know while we’re on that subject there are a lot of places the “sun don’t shine.” So if someone tells us to stick it there why do we immediately think of our butts? If someone handed you some popsicles to save for latter and said ‘Stick ’em where the sun don’t shine,’ maybe they mean in the shade. Because butts are warm and they would melt. And nobody wants a butt-sicle.

What the hell are we talking about? How did we get to butt-sicles??? Let’s get back to the subject at hand: zombie slaying weaponry. No wait, we hadn’t gotten there yet. Well there went that graceful, eloquent lead in. Screw it, back up to the mousetrap thing and we’ll go from there.

“Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door.” It was this misquoted metaphor that brought up a similar concept that wasn’t so metaphorical. That being, “Build a better zombie slaying weapon and beat zombies before the get in your door.” At this point HCSAWWT regrettably and reluctantly resorts to a retraction. It also calls foul on a claim by the highly respected Zombie Survival Guide. That being that the humble crowbar is the best choice of bludgeoning weapon during a zombie apocalypse. The fact is, have you ever tried to swing a crowbar? The weight is awkward and the handle too narrow and slick...there’s a dent in Lil Red’s car to prove that. Maybe it’s your cup-o-tea but its definitely not best for everyone. Personally, the weight and feel of a bat is far more suitable but it lacks an edge. On the other hand, a machete has the edge but lacks the weight and due to length makes any confrontation an up close and personal one. But what if we were to combine the two? That has been done, with the assistance of a good friend, Wild Bill. Combining the length, weight and raw power of a bat with the long razor sharp edge of a machete. Merging a bludgeon with a blade to form The Batchete.

So has a better mousetrap been built? Has the pinnacle of basic zombie weaponry been reached? The answer is an obvious ‘no.’ Because in this instance, there is no better mousetrap. The “better” zombie slaying weapon doesn’t rely on the weapon itself but the individual wielding it. Personal preference plays a large part in what type of weapon an individual uses when confronting a zombie. It must be functional and effective but most importantly usable. At this point we could go off on a major tangent about how this applies to relationships, love, hate, our jobs, our lives or life in general...but that’s way to obvious. Besides the important thing you should take away from all of this is don’t put things in your butt.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via through Focus, or e-mail me at

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!



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