Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw
March 3, 2016
What the f***? What is this (Pointing at article’s title)? Who authorized this week’s column concept without the writer’s advance approval? What moron came up with this idea for such a pointless and mismatched rendezvous? Is this someone in marketing’s attempt to monopolize on Marvel Comics latest super hero outing? To “cash in” on the surprising success of the first (gasp) R-rated superhero genre based movie? Was it Burt from accounting? That bastich has had it out for me ever since I argued with him that cross dressing had nothing to do with adorning oneself with religious paraphernalia (get it). That trip with him to the Catholic Monastery to have my shotgun blessed was so embarrassing. Wait, what are we talking about again…oh yeah! Well whatever people it’s not happening! There is no why in holy hell that…what do you mean he’s already here? Hmm, right over there, huh. Fine, fine, fine but I’m not doing this directly, so switch to third person P.O.V. OK.
Deadpool bebops over to the beat of a classic rap tune. D.P.: “You must be Chainsaw! Or is it Mister Chainsaw? I’ve heard so not much about you! So chainsaws huh, well (expletive deleted) touched your (sexual innuendo) with a (crude, yet cleverly presented humor).” Chainsaw sighs and lights a cigarette. Deadpool does a little dance while swinging his guns around and rambling about chimichangas. Because referencing deep fried burritos is cutting edge and funny. Chainsaw quirks a brow...takes a drag...exhales...stands there. D.P.: “So, you’re a smoker I see (expletive deleted) and I’ll just bet (perverse smoking reference) (expletive deleted) and (sexual innuendo).”
While talking Deadpool shows off some fancy sword play and ninja skills. And...Chainsaw’s still smoking. Finally getting over himself, Deadpool pauses, acknowledges and actually addresses Chainsaw. D.P.: “So (expletive deleted) are you going to say anything?”
Chainsaw snubs his cigarette, sighs C.S.: “Like what?” Deadpool then rambles on for the next 30 minutes. Pausing to color, breakdance and do a sock puppet show. He pulls his swords again and accidentally clips Chainsaw’s elbow. In response, Chainsaw pocks a chop into Deadpool’s throat, dropping the mouthy merc like a sack of potatoes.
While Deadpool sits gasping for breath, Chainsaw takes the opportunity to speak freely. C.S.: “I just wanted you to know you are the perfect superhero for the current selfie-centered “look-at-me” generation. Sadly, kids these days have the attention span of a goldfish and your popularity has reached its peak. Incidentally, thanks for that, because at this very moment I’ve got your first appearance comic book listed on eBay and it’s already cleared $200. I’m going to use that money to buy a vintage rotary dial side-arm phone...but that’s irrelevant. Before your popularity wanes, you are going to do to super hero films what Blazing Saddles did to westerns. Which is kind of a neat honor, but it’s all fun and games until somebody loses a franchise.”
Deadpool gasps and hoarsely attempts to retort. D.P.: “But I’m cutting edge, hip and people wear t-shirts with my face on them to try and up their trending status. I can’t die, I’m the merc with a mouth, I put the @$$ in assassin...I’m DEADPOOL!!!” Chainsaw lights a second smoke fueled by stress and stupid. C.S.: “Nope...can’t be because Deadpool is a fictitious comic book character. You’re not even Ryan Reynolds (awesome actor, btw) because there is no way in hell we could afford him on our budget. You’re just some insipid little jackass in a Halloween costume. Your swords are Styrofoam, your guns are plastic and that rubber chicken is..well, I guess that’s actually real. But you see this (referencing chainsaw hand attachment) this is real. It’s gutted and doesn’t run, but a 40 pound hunk of metal can do some serious brain damage.” The cos-play Deadpool cries because he is just pretend and doesn’t want to do brain damage.
OK, are we done here? What a terrible waste of space for us and time for the loyal readers. Incidentally, my sincerest apologies to you loyal readers for subjecting you to this experiment. Now the question is, how many of you picked this up simply because you saw DEADPOOL in the title? Not what you expected was it? Did we learn anything today? Probably not, but if you enjoyed this little interaction then you’ll probably enjoy the Deadpool movie starring Clint Eastwood as detective Harry Callahan.
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