June 2, 2016
Last week we discussed the impending apocalypse (the world ending event, not the bad guy from the X-men franchise) and the potential for being a survivor (“It’s the eye of the tiger; it’s the thrill of the fight! Rising up to the challenge of our rival and the last known survivor…” ). ENOUGH! Geez-us we played that gag to death last week.
Anywho, we discussed and justified a multitude of ways our world could come to an end and the human race could meet its demise. And right up there with famine, a lack of Facebook likes, war and presidential elections, we have zombies.
Over the years this column has covered many an issue concerning the undead. We’ve discussed how to survive during a zombie apocalypse. What weapons are best suited for fighting the walking dead. Where is the best place to hole up during the initial outbreak. Why you need to always have bottled water on hand. What to do if you encounter cannibal corpses while on holiday. Yes, we’ve just about said all there is to say about zombies. But there is one subject we have never discussed nor made mention of...ZOMBIE BEARS!
And we’re not going to start now. Why? Well there is a very simple and logical explanation why this column never pays reference to the undead Ursidae family—because bears scare the hell out of me. The living ones are scary enough but could you imagine undead ones? Me either and I refuse to because I want to be able to sleep at night. Oh and FYI, if for whatever reason anyone ever considers the idea of “it might be funny to sneak up on Chainsaw in a bear suit,” let me assure you that mere moments after s***ing my pants I will shoot you in your pretend bear face. So don’t do that because you don’t want to die dressed like a bear.
Another subject we’ve never covered is Zombie Dinosaurs. Wow! That was blunt and sounds really, really stupid. However, due to the progression of science and the rapidly melting polar ice caps, the possibility of undead prehistoric predators may eventually become a reality. Now, a paragraph convincing not only you but myself that that’s not as ridiculous as it sounds...bear with me here...no there’s no bear here...just keep reading.
Scientists have been trying for years to possibly clone dinosaurs so they could be used for study and to gain a better understanding of prehistoric life. This does not work and has been scientifically proven to be virtually impossible. So now they are experimenting with DNA from dinosaur decedents- komodo dragons, crocodiles, hop toads, etc., to try and create a primitive DNA strand that could lead to producing a sort-of dinosaur thingie.
To quickly further the plot, let’s say they’re successful and recreate an actual dinosaur. Neat-o, right? Wrong! Because as the polar ice caps melt the preserved prehistoric solarium virus (that’s the zombie one) thaws out and infects the entire dinosaur population. There would be more than one at this point because scientists always need multiple specimens and thought it was neat-o too. Then the specimens got out and bred and made lots more specimens...like in every “science gone wrong movie.” So now, without warning, our planet is plagued by Zombisaurus Rex and friends.
So being the ego-matic little species that we are, the dino-undead would crave only human flesh, ignoring a zombie’s basic cannibalistic nature. Of course I suppose whether they were undead or not, they would still eat people. It’d be like Jurassic Park but the dinosaurs are zombies...Ya know, undead or alive dinosaurs would kill the hell out of us so I guess being zombies would just make them scarier...somehow...moving on!
So how does one survive a ZOMBIE DINOSAUR APOCALYPSE? Seriously? Like there’s a rational or realistic answer to that? There would be a lot of running, screaming, hiding and dying involved. How do we fight them? Why would you try? To kill a zombie you have to destroy the brain, and since most dinosaurs have a super thick hide and a brain the size of a walnut, good luck with that. Anybody got a bazooka lying around?
Ok, calm down. Some of you might be getting a little frightened at the possible potential prospect of an undead prehistoric invasion. And the zombie guy doesn’t even know what to do? Fear not dear reader, research shall be done and an active plan to thwart the zombie dinosaurs will appear in a future column. Till then...avoid all zombie dinosaurs you may come in contact with. Next week- Not Zombie Bears!
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!