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Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

June 6, 2013

By now even the least bright of us have found the humor, irony and ignorance in the “Warning: this bag may contain nuts” label on packages of peanuts. It stands as a testimony to the rapidly growing stupidity of our world. Actually the scariest part is that they use the word “may.” Do they not even know what their putting in the package? Of course they could be referring to the off chance someone may find a bag of peanuts someone has decided to store something else in...yes our world is getting dumber. So in honor of that profound stupidity this week we share a few more of those pointlessly asinine warning labels.

1. On the packaging for a wristwatch: ”Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” (Hey, you got the time?...What the f...?)

2. On the label of a cheap rubber ball toy: ”Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.” (A little redundancy there.)

3.On a container of underarm deodorant: ”Caution: Do not spray in eyes.” (Unless they’re under your arm.)

4. On a tube of deodorant: ”Do not use intimately.” (Well...there’s a joke there but it’s really bad.)

5. Misprint on a battery: ”Battery may explore or leak.” (Or leak while exploring.)

6. On another battery: ”Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” (So its purpose would be?) 7. On a product called “Rubber Band Shooter: ”Caution: Shoots rubber bands.” (Really? I thought it banned rubber shooters.)

8. On a box of bottle rockets:

”Do not put in mouth.” (Remember Jackass?) 

9. On a laser pointer: ”Do not look into laser with remaining eye.” (Yeah stupid, didn’t you learn when you burned the other one out?)

10. On a can of air freshener: ”For use by trained personnel only.” (Got to attend that Febreeze seminar.)

11. On a can of air freshener: ”Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.” (Unless they’re trained.)

12. On a package of silly putty: ”Do not use as ear plugs.” (What?...I can’t hear you...oh.) 13. On a pack of Breath Savers: ”Not for weight control.” (They’re obviously for breath control.)

14. On the label of a bottled drink: ”Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.” (What if you have to use your mouth to twist the top off? Those things are tricky.)

15. Posted on a Boeing 757: ”Fragile. Do not drop.” (A warning for God?)

16. On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid: ”Cannot be made non-poisonous.” (Why would you even try?)

17. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: ”Do not iron clothes on body.” (Unless 3rd degree burns are your thing.)

18. On a child sized Superman costume: ”Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (This warning does not appear on adult sized costumes so you’re good to go.)

19. On a lighter: ”Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame.” (So don’t use it?)

20. On a package of dice: ”Not for human consumption.” (But it would make the craps table more interesting...and literal!)

21.On a remote control for a TV: ”Not dishwasher safe.” (This probably applies to the TV too.) 22. On the box for a car jack: ”For lifting purposes only.” (As opposed to?)

23. On the instructions for a cordless phone: ”Do not put lit candles on phone.” (Unless it’s a really romantic call.)

24. On page 18 of Focus Newspaper: “Do not read unless you need a laugh...or you’re really bored....or smart and there’s nothing on TV.

I welcome all questions, comments, and column suggestions, via Focus, or e-mail me at my new email address–

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.




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