Custom Search




tel:18003484095

banner3

banner3

tel:18003484095


The Other Birthday Party

September 8, 2016

It is safe to surmise that, at some point, you have seen a movie where the lead character’s birthday is being celebrated. There’s a big cake, delicious looking buffet table, waiters with silver trays full of champagne glasses and all the beautiful people standing around smiling. It’s not hard to imagine that you’ve imagined yourself as the guest of honor at such a party. Too soon you forget that these parties are oft interrupted by violence or some form of disaster. Often the “guest of honor” is pulled to the side for bad news, called away from the party by bad news or summoned by the bat-signal. Thus it stands to reason that even if you had such a party you wouldn’t really get to enjoy it.

Admittedly, I too, have fantasized about being at such a party and welcome the devastating distractions it may have in store. However, in reality, I prefer something much simpler. Hosted by my sweet Lil Red (that’s the spouse) with a guest list of one, that’d be Tot AKA the grandson. Some doughnuts (I detest cake), a few fun gifts and, of course, Tot’s rendition of Happy Birthday. Oh, what’s that? You didn’t know it was my birthday? Well it’s not… anymore. That was last week and…no…no…no it’s too late for a belated b-day wish now. By now we’ve already established that you’re an insensitive ass…and you suck. But we’re not here to discuss your inconsideration, we’re here to talk about a birthday party. Not the big screen fancy daydream one you nor I will ever attend. Nor the sweet simple one you’ll never attend (tight budget and all). No, this week we’re going to discuss “the other birthday party”.

Twas midnight of September the second, the eve of my 43rd year, when there came a rapping at the door. Upon opening there stood Frank AKA the Angel of Death; have enough near death experiences and you’re on a first name basis with the reaper too. He waves aside the offer of a smoke, which he often insists upon, then without words indicates that “it was time.” With that he takes my arm and we walk through the wall.

Darkness closed in around and…wait…a flicker of light. A kitchen table, an open pizza box, a single slice topped with one lonely candle. Ah, this must be the ghost of birthdays past, my 30th to be precise, a party of one for no party at all. How…depressing, but if that’s the past then…the ghost of a birthday present wraps its colorful arms around me. Immediately I recognize the bright track work that makes up its arms. It’s the 1978 Hot Wheels T-bird Toss Up race track that I almost didn’t get for my 5th B-day. Because I discovered it hidden beforehand…I had cried at that party…sigh. “F*** you T-bird Toss Up!” I cry as I rip free of its sullen plastic grasp.

WTF Frank? I thought I was dead …is this my life flashing before my eyes? Suddenly, the tribunal is here and…hold on a “tribunal” consists of three and there are four so is this a quadbunal? No it’s the representatives of Heaven, Hell and the world between with special guest Anna Nicole Smith…not sure who she’s here with.

So here we are, middle of nowhere, now what? They seem to be waiting for something. Heaven seems intriguing, Hell inviting and the other guy…well he seems to be saying, Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right and here I am…Is this judgement? If it is, it’s kind of dumb.

Somebody should say something…so I do.

“Good things may come to those who wait, but bad things can come while you’re waiting. So maybe sometimes you should just politely push your way to the front of the line. Because if you wait too long for good things you may be too old to enjoy them…like if you’re waiting for somebody to buy you a scooter.”

There is silence. The tribunal turns in on itself to tribune. Anna slips me a wink…or maybe it’s towards Frank, I don’t…SUDDENLY the tribunal evaporates with a parting nod from the denizen of Heaven. Frank turns to me with a smile and suddenly again we’re back at my front door. Frank takes the offered smoke and hands me a laminated card.

Oh…this was my Right to Continued Existence license renewal…good for one year. It had completely slipped my mind. Thanking Frank I send him on his merry way. Looks like tomorrow I’ll get to live another year - Happy Birthday to me.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

ARCHIVES:

Across The Rainbow Bridge

Ten More Uncomfortable Questions?

The cReAtURe

Bemusement Park Attraction

A Passing Interest In Political Masonry

Gotta Catch 'Em All?

Tis The Wink Of A Breath

A Darker Shade Of Summertime Blue

Still Littering?

H2-Oh How Fire Works

Pessimistic Optimism

Disclaimation

The Pover-Ties That Bind

Zombisaurus Rex

Apocalypse...right now? Congratulations, You’ve Survived The Apocalypse!

Where The Wild Things Were

A Hundred Thousand To One,& Eleven Things I Will Never Write

Selfie-Centered Society

Well...

Who Paints The Hammers?

Open For Interpretation

YOLO But SODOI

FUN TYme ? of TRiViAL! wiF John Q.

I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost... Busters...Remake?

Springing Forward To The Past

Remember: ‘Funeral’ Starts With FU!

Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw

Revealed Carry

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Trash...But Sometimes It’s Collectable Trash

Timeless Testing

Definitively Undead

Do You Want To Psychologically Deconstruct A Snowman?

powerBALL $1.5 Billion You’ll Never See, or A Really Powerful Ball

Heading For A Eulogy

Resolution Resolvent

Wondering Around Wandering

X-MAS

The GHOSTS Of Christmas Present

Happy Hellidays A special hate the holidays rant

Tis The Season

Franks-GIVING

Memoir From The Soviet Union

The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

Hell-O-Ween 2015 The Absence of Light

HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry

SELF LAMBASTING

Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set

HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!

Zoo-Illogical

Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

Distractions

A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending

Life

The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

fanjoylabrenz.jpg   fanjoylabrenz.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm | focusnews@centurylink.net

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2017 Tucker Productions, Inc.