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Old Man Chainsaw

November 3, 2016

Hopefully you’ve successfully cleared the first holiday season hurdle. Now with Hell-o-ween in the rearview and Christmas still 52 shopping days away. We can relax and enjoy a momentary reprieve during this lull in the Hellidays. What’s that? Forgetting something you say? Thanksgiving? What about Thanksgiving? Who gives a happy s*** about Thanksgiving? The giving happens during Halloween (candy) and Xmas (presents) and nobody is ever really thankful. Seriously though, we haven’t forgotten the great day of Thanks. I just can’t come up with a month’s worth of articles leading up to it…guess I should be more thankful or maybe you should that I’m not. But since neither of us is being thankful at the moment let’s grow a little older together, shall we…

Irish playwright, critic and polemicist George Bernard Shaw (26 July 1856 - 2 November 1950) once stated- “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” One has to ponder if Shaw is referencing one’s physical well-being due to youthful activity. Or if it’s a basic state of mind i.e., you’re only as old as you think you are. Then, too, there is the possibility of the “literal” application in that we would lose the ability to do youthful things, not with age, but with a lack of doing them.

Is this “stopping of play” simply part of the required process of growing up (which never really ends… until you die, of course)? Or is it just the course of nature? Either way, regardless of how much you play, you will inevitably get old at some point. But maintaining play as long as possible may be beneficial in surviving a zombie apocalypse.

Let’s be honest, none of us are getting any younger. And at the rate things are going, there’s a good chance I’ll be cashing in my senior citizen’s discount when the undead finally come calling. Hell, that Homelite XL gets a little heavier every year. So for current and my fellow future seniors, Have Chainsaw Will Travel presents…


It’s a peaceful afternoon when suddenly your stories are interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System. Only this time it’s not just a test. There is a Class 4 outbreak (that’s the BIG one) already in progress. Don’t bother calling your cable provider, your stories may be permanently over but yours doesn’t have to be.

First off, don’t get overexcited and panic. No point in working yourself up to a heart attack and becoming a brain muncher by default. If you are at an assisted living facility inform the staff. They should have a contingency plan in place for such an event. Barricade, lock-down and double up on the meds till help arrives. And help, if it’s still alive, will arrive. Part of the Zombie Outbreak Response Team protocol is to check such places for survivors. And you thought we just went around exterminating the dead.

If you’re on your own then you should try not to be as soon as possible. Contact your family or hook up with your neighbors. Remember, with age comes wisdom and you can prove yourself to be more of a benefit than a burden. Knowledge is power! Read more!

Always have a readily available stockpile of necessities. Bottled water, of course, and prune juice because irregularity during a zombie outbreak can put you in deep s*** or an uncomfortable lack thereof. Depends are important. Because it depends on your medical needs, i.e., daily supplements, arthritic creams or serious meds, how long you can hold out. (And you thought we were gonna make an adult diaper joke­­–for shame).

Regardless of age, one should always be more on the defensive, as opposed to the offensive and at an advanced age even more so. You’re not as good as you once were but you’re as good once as you ever were… right? Yeah but let’s not assume that we can control when that “once” happens. Do not purposely try to single handedly take on a zombie hoard. For seniors, if it’s more than two, it’s a hoard and more than you need try and handle. The undead will not pause if your back goes out or arthritis is acting up. So fight only when you have to. This rule applies to all ages.

If you are partially incapacitated and require artificial assistance for mobility, you are far from helpless. Train with your cane- they make exceptional bludgeoning weapons or outfit it with a blade. Walkers can be used to hold undead assailants at bay and easily armed with spear heads or firearms. Mobility scooters are just a few fiberglass panels and shotgun turrets away from being easily converted to a mini-tank. Speak to your scooter provider or mechanic and be sure to check with your physician.
Just because you are seasoned doesn’t mean you have to be sidelined or left behind during a zombie apocalypse. You still have plenty to offer in the post-apocalyptic world.

Just remember that American writer, critic and newspaper columnist Chainsaw (3 September 1973 - ???) once stated, “We don’t stop slaying because we grow old; we become zombies because we stopped slaying.”

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




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