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No. 52

December 29, 2016

It has been three hundred and sixty-nine days gone by, since this column’s first article of two-thousand sixteen was written on twelve/twenty-two of two-thousand fifteen. If you’re wondering why we’re spelling out all the numericals it’s simply to emphasize how long ago that’s been. Or at least how long it’s felt like it’s been. Plus it irritates people to have to “read” numbers…you’re welcome.

Incidentally, and while not on the subject, this writer is well aware that “numericals” is not actually a word; or at least not the proper usage of that particular word as a noun. This noun conversion is achieved by bending the laws of the English language and simply adding an improper “s” to an adjective (oh aren’t I the rebel- breakin’ the laws). However, I be loath not to point out that numericals is a word by definition. “Word” is defined as a grouping of letters that can be written, spoken and has a defined meaning. However… again, the usage of words, that are not yet words, is not an uncommon occurrence here. You will find that there are often words used weekly within the bowels of this column that aren’t technically or grammatically considered “words.” Though they are variations on the theme of existing words; modified for the sake of humor and context and in most instances their meaning is easily translated and understood. It’s interesting to note that if a gangsta rapper coins a new phrase or acronym it’s instantly trending. If a newspaper columnist does it, people start losing their minds.

Case in point, some feel the need to scrutinize and over-cross-analyze the written ravings of a madman they find in a FREE weekly entertainment newspaper column. It is sad and rather pathetic that the highlight in anyone’s life would be picking up any free publication with red pen or highlighter in hand. excited to find them errors! Well despite the pathetic sadness you’re still picking up the paper so, mission accomplished! Now where were we before the impromptu grammar class…oh yes numericals!

For those who pondering on that first paragraph in a cold and calculating manner, let’s turn up the heat and help you with the math. 369 days? How can that be if there are only 365 days in the year? Easy, the first column of the year had to be written 4 days in advance in order to achieve the publication date. Therefore it becomes the first column of the year, which appeared in this paper the first week of the year, which would by calendar counted default make it No.1. But honestly nobody really cares. My gawd man, what a long-drawn way to incorporate the title. Alright let’s skip to the chase (numericals be damned) there are 52 weeks in the year ergo if this column is No. 52. So…what does that mean?

And now we interrupt this article with an argument with my ((subconscious)).

Well, being the 52nd column obviously means that this is the last column of 2016. ((So…what does that mean?)) Well…since it’s officially the last column of the year it will be used to wrap up the year’s end for this column. ((OK… so exactly how are you planning to do that, because thus far this has been a literary menagerie of nothingness!)) It’s not been nothing (proper use of a double-negative, btw)… there are a lot of words here and that’s something. ((Not to mention the fact that you’ve wasted a really cool looking title­—“No. 52”. Oh WAIT- maybe No. 52 could be the code name for a robot! Oh, an evil killer robot… with lasers. “Release No. 52 upon the world Muahahahaha!” Rather ominous doncha think?))

Wait…what? What does an evil killer robot have to do with the years end? ((Well everything, if it’s evilly killing everybody. That would be pretty much the end…if an evil robot, with lasers, killed everybody. Or should that be, an evil robot killed everybody with lasers? No, the first way is right because it wouldn’t kill “everybody” with lasers. Some people would get stepped on and squished.)) OMG! Would you stop with the evil laser robot thing! ((Well what did you expect…zombies? Oh snap that’s it — No. 52 is an evil killer zombie robot…with lasers…and sticks!)) Hold on, what happened to No. 1 thru 51? ((They’re broken.)) So you want to end this year’s run with robot zombies? ((No… a zombie robot, there’s a difference…and just one.))

Why don’t we just suck it up and do “the year in review” or maybe a nice reflective piece about the New Year and new opportunities? We can’t end the year with evil killer-zombie robots with lasers…and sticks. ((It’s robot not robots. There’d only be one.)) Either way, what kind of message does that send about the conclusion of the year? ((That things don’t always turn out the way you expected.)) Oh…valid point.

Next week: It’s the New Year and I have no idea how that’s gonna go.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

ARCHIVES:

‘Twas The Night Before KRAMPUS

It’s The Thought

You Are Nothing More Than A Disgruntled Who!

It’s such a good vibration...such a sweet CESSATION!

A Warm Helping Of Frigid Poultry

Patridiocracy

Dungeons And Dragons And All Things EVIL?

Old Man Chainsaw

Helloween 4: What Are You Afraid Of?

Helloween III: Tot vs Monster Under The Bed!

There is nothing to fear but fear itself… and BEARS! ALWAYS FEAR BEARS!

One Last Razzle Dazzle Smokin’ Hail Mary Pass

Life’s Mysteries Lying
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Time Flies When?

The Other Birthday Party

Across The Rainbow Bridge

Ten More Uncomfortable Questions?

The cReAtURe

Bemusement Park Attraction

A Passing Interest In Political Masonry

Gotta Catch 'Em All?

Tis The Wink Of A Breath

A Darker Shade Of Summertime Blue

Still Littering?

H2-Oh How Fire Works

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Disclaimation

The Pover-Ties That Bind

Zombisaurus Rex

Apocalypse...right now? Congratulations, You’ve Survived The Apocalypse!

Where The Wild Things Were

A Hundred Thousand To One,& Eleven Things I Will Never Write

Selfie-Centered Society

Well...

Who Paints The Hammers?

Open For Interpretation

YOLO But SODOI

FUN TYme ? of TRiViAL! wiF John Q.

I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost... Busters...Remake?

Springing Forward To The Past

Remember: ‘Funeral’ Starts With FU!

Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw

Revealed Carry

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Trash...But Sometimes It’s Collectable Trash

Timeless Testing

Definitively Undead

Do You Want To Psychologically Deconstruct A Snowman?

powerBALL $1.5 Billion You’ll Never See, or A Really Powerful Ball

Heading For A Eulogy

Resolution Resolvent

Wondering Around Wandering

X-MAS

The GHOSTS Of Christmas Present

Happy Hellidays A special hate the holidays rant

Tis The Season

Franks-GIVING

Memoir From The Soviet Union

The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

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HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

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Acts Of Lethargy

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A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

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Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

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Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

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Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

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Questionable Perception

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He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

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Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

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HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

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To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

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Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

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Putting The ‘Itch’ In

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Littering Is Still Bad!!!

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Bulimic Nation

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Distractions

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A Little Soul-Rending

Life

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Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

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