December 29, 2016
It has been three hundred and sixty-nine days gone by, since this column’s first article of two-thousand sixteen was written on twelve/twenty-two of two-thousand fifteen. If you’re wondering why we’re spelling out all the numericals it’s simply to emphasize how long ago that’s been. Or at least how long it’s felt like it’s been. Plus it irritates people to have to “read” numbers…you’re welcome.
Incidentally, and while not on the subject, this writer is well aware that “numericals” is not actually a word; or at least not the proper usage of that particular word as a noun. This noun conversion is achieved by bending the laws of the English language and simply adding an improper “s” to an adjective (oh aren’t I the rebel- breakin’ the laws). However, I be loath not to point out that numericals is a word by definition. “Word” is defined as a grouping of letters that can be written, spoken and has a defined meaning. However… again, the usage of words, that are not yet words, is not an uncommon occurrence here. You will find that there are often words used weekly within the bowels of this column that aren’t technically or grammatically considered “words.” Though they are variations on the theme of existing words; modified for the sake of humor and context and in most instances their meaning is easily translated and understood. It’s interesting to note that if a gangsta rapper coins a new phrase or acronym it’s instantly trending. If a newspaper columnist does it, people start losing their minds.
Case in point, some feel the need to scrutinize and over-cross-analyze the written ravings of a madman they find in a FREE weekly entertainment newspaper column. It is sad and rather pathetic that the highlight in anyone’s life would be picking up any free publication with red pen or highlighter in hand. excited to find them errors! Well despite the pathetic sadness you’re still picking up the paper so, mission accomplished! Now where were we before the impromptu grammar class…oh yes numericals!
For those who pondering on that first paragraph in a cold and calculating manner, let’s turn up the heat and help you with the math. 369 days? How can that be if there are only 365 days in the year? Easy, the first column of the year had to be written 4 days in advance in order to achieve the publication date. Therefore it becomes the first column of the year, which appeared in this paper the first week of the year, which would by calendar counted default make it No.1. But honestly nobody really cares. My gawd man, what a long-drawn way to incorporate the title. Alright let’s skip to the chase (numericals be damned) there are 52 weeks in the year ergo if this column is No. 52. So…what does that mean?
And now we interrupt this article with an argument with my ((subconscious)).
Well, being the 52nd column obviously means that this is the last column of 2016. ((So…what does that mean?)) Well…since it’s officially the last column of the year it will be used to wrap up the year’s end for this column. ((OK… so exactly how are you planning to do that, because thus far this has been a literary menagerie of nothingness!)) It’s not been nothing (proper use of a double-negative, btw)… there are a lot of words here and that’s something. ((Not to mention the fact that you’ve wasted a really cool looking title—“No. 52”. Oh WAIT- maybe No. 52 could be the code name for a robot! Oh, an evil killer robot… with lasers. “Release No. 52 upon the world Muahahahaha!” Rather ominous doncha think?))
Wait…what? What does an evil killer robot have to do with the years end? ((Well everything, if it’s evilly killing everybody. That would be pretty much the end…if an evil robot, with lasers, killed everybody. Or should that be, an evil robot killed everybody with lasers? No, the first way is right because it wouldn’t kill “everybody” with lasers. Some people would get stepped on and squished.)) OMG! Would you stop with the evil laser robot thing! ((Well what did you expect…zombies? Oh snap that’s it — No. 52 is an evil killer zombie robot…with lasers…and sticks!)) Hold on, what happened to No. 1 thru 51? ((They’re broken.)) So you want to end this year’s run with robot zombies? ((No… a zombie robot, there’s a difference…and just one.))
Why don’t we just suck it up and do “the year in review” or maybe a nice reflective piece about the New Year and new opportunities? We can’t end the year with evil killer-zombie robots with lasers…and sticks. ((It’s robot not robots. There’d only be one.)) Either way, what kind of message does that send about the conclusion of the year? ((That things don’t always turn out the way you expected.)) Oh…valid point.
Next week: It’s the New Year and I have no idea how that’s gonna go.
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!