Chainsaw Edition Vol. 3
February 2, 2017
When the uneducated masses contemplate the dictionary they see an age old set of rules for diction and vocabulary from a bygone era to be used only for grammatical errors and historical reference. In truth, the dictionary is constantly shifting and changing to keep up with our growing world of terminology. Each year hundreds of new words are considered and a choice few added to it. Simultaneously, older words are altered or removed from it.
Webster’s Dictionary provides this definition of the word word: a letter or group of letters, written, printed or spoken, having meaning and representing a unit of language. So technically, anything that can be written down, sounded out and defined is therefore a word.
However, the current slew of new slang terminology and “Urban Dictionary” entries may be taking this definition a little too far. Creating “new” words for words that already exist or chopping up and shortening old words to give them new meaning. These shorted words and phrases come across as just being too lazy to use proper pronunciation. Which when strung together, as an attempted sentence, sound like a lot of illiterate gibberish. Perhaps the latest rap anthem isn’t the best thing to consult for literary prowess.
But let it not be said that this column isn’t down with change. In support of slang slingers everywhere what follows are a few new words created by this writer and a few old ones redefined. This writer’s sincerest apologies that these words consist of more than three letters which may make it hard for those of lesser intellect and attention spans to read.
imaginarrowly: when you barely escape your imagination.
immoreality: coming to the sad realization that reality is immoral.
funder: the sound of happy children running about indoors.
fundamental: when something is only fun in your mind.
discussting: talking about a repulsive subject.
contributation: when you attempt to make a helpful donation and it mutates into far more than you’re willing to give.
stressure: 1. the stress you feel from too much pressure. 2. The sensation of being squished.
accidentification: 1. when you accidentally identify someone. 2. What a cop asks for when you’re in a wreck.
Misterssippi: Mississippi’s father.
latitude: speaking Latin with an attitude.
longitude: speaking Latin with an attitude too long.
Bi-Curious George: a gay monkey…or is he? He’s not too sure…why he’s so curious?
crosstrophobia: the fear of crossing narrow streets.
crossdresstrophobia: the fear of being surrounded by crossdressers.
kriskrosstrophobia: the fear of something that makes you jump twice.
bikini-briefs: bikinis that are quick and to the point.
shootgun: a gun that’s ready to be shot. Not to be mistaken for a shotgun: a gun that has already been used to shoot.
crunk: past tense of crank i.e. when a car is already cranked it is crunk.
chillax: a laxative that gives you the chills.
chillaxe: an axe used for breaking ice.
bad: not good. more-better: some better than bad. betterest: the best it can be without being good. good: not bad. better: gooder than good. gooder: better than good but not the best. bestest: the goodest good there is. great: more better than good. most-bestest: the greaterest more betterest of all.
peeps: occasional quick glances at baby chickens.
dishillusion: disappointment resulting from the discovery that your dishes are not as good as you believed them to be.
interiorate: when something falls apart from the inside out.
inferiorate: the rate at which something becomes not as good as something else.
tensual: 1. when someone gets nervous during a sexually romantic situation. 2. When a sexually romantic situation is 10 times as intense as usual.
pikachu: what you do to a baby through your fingers.
bakid nabies: Actually sounds like some kind of cute baked beans but it’s just fun to say.
dummy /dum-me/: what you say to yourself when you do something stupid.
basket case: a case in which you store unused baskets.
coffee mug: when you assault someone and steal their coffee.
irish: what a drunk person says when they see a star.
writtend: what a writer says when the writing’s finished.
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!