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There Is No Daycare...

At The End Of The World

May 25, 2017

To note: This week’s column insert is directed toward those who fall into the category of “parent” during an impending zombie apocalypse. For those who do not categorize in this categorization can feel free to read anyway, under the understanding that this does not concern you. In the event you find yourself in a parental situation (especially during impending zombie apocalypse) read on. You can always take advice and find ways to be a better parent. Let’s just hope it doesn’t take reanimated, flesh eating corpses for you to do so.

To set the mood we’ll reference the post-apocalyptic horror series, “The Walking Dead.” Some of this show’s most effective moments have come when the main players stumble upon the aftermath of a location where other survivors have met their ultimate demise. Such was the case in the 14th episode of the 6th season (the 81st of the series) entitled “Twice As Far,” which aired on March 20th, 2016.

While looking for medical supplies at an abandoned pharmacy one of the survivors leaves the group to investigate noises coming from a back room. What she finds is utterly horrific. A woman has expired from starvation and gone brain muncher; prior to this she decided to drown her toddler in a utility sink. Obviously they were trapped in the store in the early stages of the zom-pocalypse. The child’s cries of terror, hunger or perhaps sickness would bring the undead. Did mommy submerge her child so it wouldn’t have to suffer the horrors “out there”? Or did her own fear make her feel the need to silence her upset little one? We’ll never know for sure but we can try to ensure that you never find yourself under such circumstances where murdering your child seems like the right thing to do.

CHAINSAW’S PARENTING GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE:

You may face the end of civilization with family, friends, neighbors or like-minded strangers; the rules, roles and situations may vary. However what we’re looking at here is how to survive with a survival party of two; with your child being the second and only other member.

Infants and Babies: As a responsible parent you should already have a ready supply (a week’s worth, minimum) of your babies needs on hand: diapers, formula, medications, ointments and creams. This becomes even more crucial during an undead outbreak.

Gathering more of those supplies asap is a necessity. NO! You cannot leave a sleeping baby while you go out! What if you can’t get back? What if they wake up and start crying? Then you return to your child surrounded by a zombie hoard. The only solution—where you go they go. An all-terrain stroller is ideal for an outing in an undead world, especially if supplies are some distance away. For short trips a baby carrier works great. Just remember when on the move, baby in front; when fighting zombies—baby in back. Either way, remember to pack a diaper bag.

Once you and your bundle of joy have secured your supplies, selecting a quiet room is your next step. Use a room as close to the middle of the facility you’re in as possible. Using any and everything you can find, mattresses, sofa cushions, stuffies, etc., pad the walls and shoot for as sound-proof as possible. This is done to keep cries of hunger or poopie diapers from reaching undead ears.

Toddlers and Preschoolers: Though a little more mobile and more easily able to communicate their wants and needs, they’ll still be dependent on you for their survival. NO! You cannot leave the child unattended for any reason. Where you go they go, where they try to go, you stop them till you go first. Trying to get them to understand the situation will be impossible, so don’t waste your time. They may be totally oblivious or afraid, either way your job is to make them feel safe and happy. You are now (as you should already be) their protector, provider and best friend.

Adhering to some kind of scheduled routine is important. Be sure to have snacks, fun toys and games that you can and will play with them. You can no longer ignore them while you play on your phone and using TV as a babysitter is no longer an option. It’ll be you and your child 24/7. There is no daycare at the end of the world.

Children (Preadolescence): Let’s go ahead and point out that- NO! You can’t leave them alone. However getting them to understand what’s going on will be easier. At this age, supplies and their safety need to be accompanied by further education. Do not use the zombie apocalypse to justify your child’s ignorance (or yours, for that matter). Basic reading and math will be crucial to their survival should they lose you. You’re stuck together with nothing better to do for hours, days, weeks, months, years, who knows, so why not learn a little. Besides you can rest assured the SATs will probably survive the apocalypse.

TEENAGERS: Teenagers…hmmm. One can easily surmise that one of the levels of hell has something to do with trying to survive a disaster situation with a bunch of teenagers. No phone, no TV, no internet and no time for teen angst. This really is the end of the world and the sooner they get used to the idea the better. If they want to rebel, hate you and strike out on their own, let ’em. Getting eaten alive by zombie’s one good time will put things in perspective for them.

In Conclusion—whether it’s the end of the world or not, love your kids. Take care of them and be the “adult” you thought you were when you were making them. It’s not about adhering to society’s standards to prove your parenting ability. It’s about proving it to one person, the one you helped bring into the world.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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