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WARNING: This Newspaper

Is Not To Be Used

As A Flotation Device

June 22, 2017

All right, before we go diving head-first into the deep end of a shallow pool, a quick note to you the reader: This week we will seek out random humor in the events of every day while looking for new ways to laugh at ourselves…no…no… that’s not the right way to go about it. This needs to be more serious.

DROWNING, the quiet, silent killer!!! 350 children under the age of five drown to death in pools each year nationwide. The largest majority during the summer months and mostly in their own backyards. In addition, 2,600 children are treated in hospital emergency rooms each year for near-drowning incidents. Some of these submersion accidents result in permanent brain damage.

OK, those are fascinating stats anyone can find on the internet. HOORAY for lack of originality. Fine, here’s something original for you: Parents! Put down your f***ing cell phone, you don’t need to “step back inside for just a minute.” If you need to potty, then everybody out of the pool! Do not leave your child unattended for any reason, do not assume they’ll be fine, do not live with the fact that your ignorance murdered your child! Yes! If you are an inattentive parent and your negligence leads to a child’s untimely demise, you are a murderer… Get over yourselves and how important you’re not and play with that little person who thinks you are the world and…untimely demise OMG this is too much and hmmm…OK.

There is only one way to save these helpless, innocent children and that is to eliminate the source of ignorance that threatens their very existence. I’m not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world. But perhaps we should consider removing all the warning labels and letting nature take its course… I’m sorry we’re just gonna stop this because I have no idea where it came from or where it’s going. To be honest, much like sex with an antique eggbeater and a box of vanilla cake-mix I’m just…


Writing is such a great way to emote. Normally this precious time set aside for tranquil, open-minded creativity is the highlight of my week. Oh, to let the ideas and imagery flow from my cerebral cortex, taking form in written word. Not so much so this week, not today, not right now.

Why? Well it started two months ago when my cessation attempt meet a tragic end at the burdened hands of daily stress. I have been working my way back onto that wagon ever since. Slowly cutting back on my nicotine consumption daily and keeping my allotted puffs down to a consistent and steadily dwindling schedule. The plan was to wrap it up just before the 4th of July vacation, so I’d have a week’s vacation time to recover and get through the withdrawal. All was going well…until a change in a work related insurance policy required saliva testing and higher rates for smokers! So a few days ago I was faced with a difficult choice—either continue with my thus far successful cessation plan, suck it up and pay the rate hike or… quit… right now! Guess which way I decided to go?

Everything is a cigarette! Not like literal hallucinations, but each moment is defined by an intake of nicotine that I’m not taking in! This wasn’t like my last attempt, which was more of an actual “attempt” as opposed to a “do it or else.” This was sudden and brutal and probably if I hadn’t gotten a new monitor for Father’s Day it’d be all right.

Yeah, new, bigger, better and equipped with the ability to somehow crash out, alienate and then eliminate Microsoft Word 2010 from my system…that’s a lie; just looking for something to aim my irritable blame-thrower at. The spouse and kid are easy targets which is exactly why you have to try and always keep them out of the crosshairs when you’re in a bad mood…which I am. Stupid other work, stupid computer problems, stupid…stupid, stupid cigarettes…stupid nicotine…which “I DO NOT WANT OR NEED!” Except maybe just one little puff…NO!!!! That’s how you end up back at square one!!! Still everything’s a cigarette.

To come to grips with drug dependency is quite depressing. In a way you want to fight and at the same time just give in. Everything is nicotine! You get up, after breakfast, drive to work, break, lunch, break, drive home, yard work, relax ahhh relax… each moment and point of the day isn’t defined by a cigarette but it is definitely punctuated with one! Looks like the only way out of this is to rewrite my entire life and leave the smoke filled chapters out. Good thing I’m a writer otherwise this’d be hard…that was my sincerest form of sarcasm.

My deepest of apologies fair reader, this week’s column was supposed to be about drowning. So in a sense it seems to have been successful.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!




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Actually, You Can Judge A Book By Its Cover

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A Passing Interest In Political Masonry

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A Darker Shade Of Summertime Blue

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H2-Oh How Fire Works

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The Pover-Ties That Bind

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Where The Wild Things Were

A Hundred Thousand To One,& Eleven Things I Will Never Write

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Springing Forward To The Past

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Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw

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Timeless Testing

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Resolution Resolvent

Wondering Around Wandering


The GHOSTS Of Christmas Present

Happy Hellidays A special hate the holidays rant

Tis The Season


Memoir From The Soviet Union

The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

Hell-O-Ween 2015 The Absence of Light

HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

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Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

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Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!


Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

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Running With Scissors

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Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

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Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

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30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

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I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

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Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

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The Devil Came Down, Part 2

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Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

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The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

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‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set


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HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages


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Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

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Putting The ‘Itch’ In

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Bulimic Nation

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A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending


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The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

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Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke


The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide





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