Custom Search




tel:18003484095

banner3

banner3

banner2


WARNING: This Newspaper

Is Not To Be Used

As A Flotation Device

June 22, 2017

All right, before we go diving head-first into the deep end of a shallow pool, a quick note to you the reader: This week we will seek out random humor in the events of every day while looking for new ways to laugh at ourselves…no…no… that’s not the right way to go about it. This needs to be more serious.

DROWNING, the quiet, silent killer!!! 350 children under the age of five drown to death in pools each year nationwide. The largest majority during the summer months and mostly in their own backyards. In addition, 2,600 children are treated in hospital emergency rooms each year for near-drowning incidents. Some of these submersion accidents result in permanent brain damage.

OK, those are fascinating stats anyone can find on the internet. HOORAY for lack of originality. Fine, here’s something original for you: Parents! Put down your f***ing cell phone, you don’t need to “step back inside for just a minute.” If you need to potty, then everybody out of the pool! Do not leave your child unattended for any reason, do not assume they’ll be fine, do not live with the fact that your ignorance murdered your child! Yes! If you are an inattentive parent and your negligence leads to a child’s untimely demise, you are a murderer… Get over yourselves and how important you’re not and play with that little person who thinks you are the world and…untimely demise OMG this is too much and hmmm…OK.

There is only one way to save these helpless, innocent children and that is to eliminate the source of ignorance that threatens their very existence. I’m not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world. But perhaps we should consider removing all the warning labels and letting nature take its course… I’m sorry we’re just gonna stop this because I have no idea where it came from or where it’s going. To be honest, much like sex with an antique eggbeater and a box of vanilla cake-mix I’m just…

NOT IN THE MOOD

Writing is such a great way to emote. Normally this precious time set aside for tranquil, open-minded creativity is the highlight of my week. Oh, to let the ideas and imagery flow from my cerebral cortex, taking form in written word. Not so much so this week, not today, not right now.

Why? Well it started two months ago when my cessation attempt meet a tragic end at the burdened hands of daily stress. I have been working my way back onto that wagon ever since. Slowly cutting back on my nicotine consumption daily and keeping my allotted puffs down to a consistent and steadily dwindling schedule. The plan was to wrap it up just before the 4th of July vacation, so I’d have a week’s vacation time to recover and get through the withdrawal. All was going well…until a change in a work related insurance policy required saliva testing and higher rates for smokers! So a few days ago I was faced with a difficult choice—either continue with my thus far successful cessation plan, suck it up and pay the rate hike or… quit… right now! Guess which way I decided to go?

Everything is a cigarette! Not like literal hallucinations, but each moment is defined by an intake of nicotine that I’m not taking in! This wasn’t like my last attempt, which was more of an actual “attempt” as opposed to a “do it or else.” This was sudden and brutal and probably if I hadn’t gotten a new monitor for Father’s Day it’d be all right.

Yeah, new, bigger, better and equipped with the ability to somehow crash out, alienate and then eliminate Microsoft Word 2010 from my system…that’s a lie; just looking for something to aim my irritable blame-thrower at. The spouse and kid are easy targets which is exactly why you have to try and always keep them out of the crosshairs when you’re in a bad mood…which I am. Stupid other work, stupid computer problems, stupid…stupid, stupid cigarettes…stupid nicotine…which “I DO NOT WANT OR NEED!” Except maybe just one little puff…NO!!!! That’s how you end up back at square one!!! Still everything’s a cigarette.

To come to grips with drug dependency is quite depressing. In a way you want to fight and at the same time just give in. Everything is nicotine! You get up, after breakfast, drive to work, break, lunch, break, drive home, yard work, relax ahhh relax… each moment and point of the day isn’t defined by a cigarette but it is definitely punctuated with one! Looks like the only way out of this is to rewrite my entire life and leave the smoke filled chapters out. Good thing I’m a writer otherwise this’d be hard…that was my sincerest form of sarcasm.

My deepest of apologies fair reader, this week’s column was supposed to be about drowning. So in a sense it seems to have been successful.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

ARCHIVES:

A Conversation On The Third Sunday In June

Grass

It’s Never Just 5 MORE MINUTES

There Is No Daycare... At The End Of The World

Clap Your Hands

Conspirative, Coincidental Conclusions

“Good Things...” Wait???

Immortal

Actually, You Can Judge A Book By Its Cover

Which Came First, The Rabbit Or The Jew?

End Of The Wagon Ride?

Comely Folks

Power-less

Wishing You The Luck Of The Irish

Avian Impact

Religious Trousers

Take A Seat

A Revolution Solution?

Romantic Interlude Eluded

Merriam Webster’s Chainsaw Edition Vol. 3

Have TUBA, Will Travel

The Importance Of Background Action

And then...the cat CAME BACK!

Happy USED Year?

No. 52

‘Twas The Night Before KRAMPUS

It’s The Thought

You Are Nothing More Than A Disgruntled Who!

It’s such a good vibration...such a sweet CESSATION!

A Warm Helping Of Frigid Poultry

Patridiocracy

Dungeons And Dragons And All Things EVIL?

Old Man Chainsaw

Helloween 4: What Are You Afraid Of?

Helloween III: Tot vs Monster Under The Bed!

There is nothing to fear but fear itself… and BEARS! ALWAYS FEAR BEARS!

One Last Razzle Dazzle Smokin’ Hail Mary Pass

Life’s Mysteries Lying
Within The Windowsill

Time Flies When?

The Other Birthday Party

Across The Rainbow Bridge

Ten More Uncomfortable Questions?

The cReAtURe

Bemusement Park Attraction

A Passing Interest In Political Masonry

Gotta Catch 'Em All?

Tis The Wink Of A Breath

A Darker Shade Of Summertime Blue

Still Littering?

H2-Oh How Fire Works

Pessimistic Optimism

Disclaimation

The Pover-Ties That Bind

Zombisaurus Rex

Apocalypse...right now? Congratulations, You’ve Survived The Apocalypse!

Where The Wild Things Were

A Hundred Thousand To One,& Eleven Things I Will Never Write

Selfie-Centered Society

Well...

Who Paints The Hammers?

Open For Interpretation

YOLO But SODOI

FUN TYme ? of TRiViAL! wiF John Q.

I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost... Busters...Remake?

Springing Forward To The Past

Remember: ‘Funeral’ Starts With FU!

Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw

Revealed Carry

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Trash...But Sometimes It’s Collectable Trash

Timeless Testing

Definitively Undead

Do You Want To Psychologically Deconstruct A Snowman?

powerBALL $1.5 Billion You’ll Never See, or A Really Powerful Ball

Heading For A Eulogy

Resolution Resolvent

Wondering Around Wandering

X-MAS

The GHOSTS Of Christmas Present

Happy Hellidays A special hate the holidays rant

Tis The Season

Franks-GIVING

Memoir From The Soviet Union

The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

Hell-O-Ween 2015 The Absence of Light

HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry

SELF LAMBASTING

Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set

HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!

Zoo-Illogical

Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

Distractions

A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending

Life

The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

BannerEventAd-01.jpg   fanjoylabrenz.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm | focusnews@centurylink.net

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2017 Tucker Productions, Inc.