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Hot And Bothered

July 20, 2017

The days begin rather early here at the House o’ Saw during the course of the average 40+ hour workweek. The morning is greeted (and despised) by the eldest member of the clan (yours truly) rising sometime shortly after 5 am and well before the arse-crack of dawn. From this point forward there is a set routine in place to ensure that everyone gets to where they need to be when they’re supposed to be there. And it goes a little something like this…

Wake-up, sit-up, get-up, wash-up (hmm things appear to be looking up this morning). Get dressed, set the breakfast - milk, juice, cereal, and banana, pack the lunch and now…coffee! 5-minute pause to ingest caffeine, truly wake-up and crank the happy-o-meter up to 100%. Wake the Tot (that’s the grandson) with tickles, a song and lots of love: these are essential elements to a positive start to a toddler’s day. Now, off to the pot with you! The “pot” as in chamber pot, as in bathroom; we do not poop in pots in this house, nor do we encourage the use of ganja. However we do encourage using the potty as opposed to the bed. Now get him dressed, let the dog out, have breakfast, do the dishes, let the dog in, wake up Lil Red (that’s the spouse) and settle in for some shared cartoon-age before departing for the daily rodent race. Rarely does this routine alter and it usually goes off like clockwork…”usually” being the key word.

The “butterfly effect” went into effect one day last week. All it takes is one little thing to change the course of the day, in this instance a child’s bad dream. “Can I sleep with you?” Well it’s only 20 minutes till I have to get up but sure why not. Needless to say that twenty minutes was lost and thus things changed. Already awake so, sit-up, get-up, wash-up, get dressed and…got to the Tot’s room to shut off his fan, light and radio?

Now let’s just straighten his bed out a little; poor lil fellow tossed and turned a bit…so tired here and hmm must have got my pant leg caught in my sock there’s a funny tickle around my ankle. OK, just shake it loose and…WTF!!! Something with lots of little legs is running up the back of one of my two. I am somewhat ashamed at this point to admit that I screamed like a little girl! Ack! It’s headed up the denim highway for my back-door, trunk junk! Quickly I catch the intruder with a swat to my mid-thigh- Arrghhhh! I howl in pain! The wretched thing stung me. Four more swats equal four more stings. By the time the rest of my brood have come to answer my cries of agony I’m doing the get-the-hell out of my pants dance. Turning the pants inside out and…nothing…but something fluttered into the hallway. I give pursuit! A wasp, a big friggin wasp sits dazed on the hardwood floor. Without hesitation I tend to the pest and punch it in the face. Which considering the size comparison means the punch squished his whole body (he wasn’t like mutant sized big or anything). Looking down at the now fist-exterminated remains of my assailant I can’t help but to think, this is just yet another reminder of why I HATE SUMMER!!!

Wasps, yellow jackets, mosquitoes, ticks, as soon as the temperature rises anything with six legs or more is trying to get in your pants. To creep, crawl, bite, sting or suck you! “Suck” as in “sucking your blood” not like they’re little hooker bugs turning tricks or anything like that. And what’s worse than getting attacked by tiny pests? Getting bitten, stung and sucked on in sweltering heat!

Make no mistake my friends and dear readers, this is not just a case of the Summertime Blues. If you were to ask me mid-winter in frigid temperatures in the midst of a blizzard I’d tell you…Ah love this cool weather oh and BTW FYI, I HATE SUMMER!!! Saw-man why all the hate towards this most relished and enjoyed of the seasons? Because it is stupid and it sucks! Not like little hooker bugs but sucks like it’s terrible-bad!

It’s HOT…forever! It’s miserable inside and out and unlike winter, which you can bundle up and adjust to, you can only go as far as naked in the summer and still it’s too hot! You just want to stay indoors, close the curtains and crank up the A/C. Ah but then summer baits you outside with the promise of sunshine and happiness and rewards you with bug bites (or sucks), sweat, burned skin and misery! Even if you don’t want to go outside to suffer, summer makes you. The bushes must be trimmed, the lawn must be mowed and the yard must be tended; all the while being attacked by the critters that have set up their summer homes outside of yours. “Why not just let it go?” Because if you do then it becomes harder to deal with in the Fall and those outsiders start coming in. Oh you live in an apartment complex or condo? Oh they have people that take care of those things for you? Well lucky you… now SHUT UP!

Even when you have your little patch of over-heated HELL tended to, if you have children you still may have to face the heat. For some reason little kids think they must be put into some form of water outdoors when the temperatures climb. Hey kids, ever hear of the bathtub? No it must be outside and it must be big enough for noisy splashing. Now do you, the parental figure, get to enjoy this relieving luxury? No! If you are in the pool you must play! You must be boisterous and splash and ya know snow sledding is so quiet and calming. Plus you must maintain the pool, keep it clean, provide fun pool toys and games and be ever vigilant. Never leave children of any age unattended in a pool- drowning is even quieter than sledding.

Hey maybe…just maybe, when you get off work and before you pick up the kiddies, you could race home, slip into your suit and get a few moments peace in those calming waters you so... KRACKA-BOOM!!! Oh, summer bummer and no such luck because now it is time for the regularly scheduled, summer afternoon, thunderstorms. Yay! Now you can spend the rest of the evening trapped indoors with kids terrified by nature’s rainy rock concert. The humidity rises, the pool gets filthy and everything green starts to grow like crazy. Oh, and let us not forget all your summertime visitors. The hurricane winds and torrential rain is sure to drive some of them inside looking for a nice play to dry off and rest­—maybe in your pants.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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