Custom Search




banner2

banner3

banner3

banner2


Up To The Week Coverage

Before/During The

Hurricane Aftermath

September 14, 2017

One of the most frustrating, mind-boggling and not really thought through, borderline stupid questions asked of me as a contributing writer to this fine piece of newsprint is, “Why doesn’t Have Chainsaw Will Travel contain captivating columns covering currently circulating BIG NEWS stories?” (Specifically they’re referring to information regarding the hurricane, which is currently still possibly heading our way). The explanation is simple, logically obvious and has been explained here numerous times (“here” as in, within this column, not “here” pertaining to where you are now currently reading this column). However, we will take pause for a moment and for those of you in the cheap seats who never really pay attention, I shall restate once again.

This column is composed and submitted for review and editing on Sunday. It is then reviewed and edited on Mon/Tues, sent to print on Wednesday to be ready for distribution on Thursday. So it won’t be read by the reader (that’s you) until four days (or more) after it is actually written by the writer (that’s me). So what does this mean in consideration of a hurricane that’s possibly occurring on a Tuesday (two days from now for me, two days ago for you)?

Well a column speaking of how to prepare for or survive a hurricane is pointless because by now the hurricane is over. So we can assume that you either prepared for, or simply survived it, or you wouldn’t be reading this now. We can’t very well surmise what’s happening during the hurricane because it’s not Tuesday yet. Finally we can’t discuss what to do after you’ve survived the hurricane, because you haven’t survived it yet…well you have “now” obviously but on my end your survival is still questionable.

So as you can see, attempting to discuss the not-yet, already over hurricane would be impossible, pointless and foolish. Luck for you here at HCSAWWT we specialize in impossibly pointless foolishness. That said, in an attempt to fully cover the situation, we shall view it from a “then” and “now” perspective. “Then” being now for me as it’s being written which would be the past for you and “Now” being later for me and the present for you as you’re reading. If you find that a bit confusing, rest assured, so do I.

Then: So why is it that people that survive on three soft drinks and one large sweet tea from Mickie D’s a day suddenly need 10 cases of water to survive a hurricane? Now: So…you’ve got lots of water? What are you planning on doing with it, bathing? It’s commendable that you want to feel fresh following a natural disaster, but there are people who actually need it to…ya know…drink!

Then: You do realize that unless you’re on well water you’ll still have running water if the power’s out? Now: Hmmm…no running water. That means things just went from serious to apocalyptic. Then: Why are you buying all the bread? You never eat bread. Now: Bread and water huh? So you want to survive and dine like prisoners of yore? Then: Wow, you brought all your gas cans and a 50 gallon drum to fill up at the gas station, denying many people of just a tank-full. Hopefully you plan on using that gas to be able to drive to others’ aid and fuel your chainsaw to help clear road debris should it occur. Now: The crisis is over and now you’ve got gas. Hope you stocked up on some Tums, too…they help with stomach pains due to guilt. Then: Oh, you’ve turned your basement into a storm shelter. With all the bottled water and gas cans is there still room for people? Now: So… torrential rains… basement flooded… that sucks… your bread’s getting all soggy. Then: You’re going to stay outside so you can watch the hurricane and experience the storm’s natural beauty? Now: Those things sticking out of you are called debris… consider it nature’s souvenirs. Then: Do you know they won’t allow pets in most storm shelters? Now: The term “animal shelter” is so misleading. Then: There’s no need for violence! We should all be working together to handle this crisis. There’s no need to bring a gun to the gas station! Now: OK guys, that other guy, the one with the gun, is holed up in his basement with all that hoarded gas and water- nice of him to stockpile it in one place for us. Let’s get him. Violence will beget violence my friends, and karma is truly a bitch. Then: You know you can’t run from a hurricane. Now: Look at this: a post card from Idaho…well I guess you can.

Hopefully by the time you’re reading this the storm has passed and you can enjoy a little twisted humor. Regardless of whether it’s “Then” or “Now” or every now and then this writer hopes you are reading this right now safe, sound and with a smile on your face.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

ARCHIVES:

Uncommon Courtesy

All I Really Need To Know About Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse I learned In Kindergarten!

You Only Get One: Part 2. But Can You Get Two?

You Only Get One

One Super Power...Just One!

Dawn Of The Day After The Night Of The Living Dead

Hot And Bothered

Just Try And Relax

Stop Trashing Our World

Go Make Me A Sandwich

WARNING: This Newspaper Is Not To Be Used As A Flotation Device

A Conversation On The Third Sunday In June

Grass

It’s Never Just 5 MORE MINUTES

There Is No Daycare... At The End Of The World

Clap Your Hands

Conspirative, Coincidental Conclusions

“Good Things...” Wait???

Immortal

Actually, You Can Judge A Book By Its Cover

Which Came First, The Rabbit Or The Jew?

End Of The Wagon Ride?

Comely Folks

Power-less

Wishing You The Luck Of The Irish

Avian Impact

Religious Trousers

Take A Seat

A Revolution Solution?

Romantic Interlude Eluded

Merriam Webster’s Chainsaw Edition Vol. 3

Have TUBA, Will Travel

The Importance Of Background Action

And then...the cat CAME BACK!

Happy USED Year?

No. 52

‘Twas The Night Before KRAMPUS

It’s The Thought

You Are Nothing More Than A Disgruntled Who!

It’s such a good vibration...such a sweet CESSATION!

A Warm Helping Of Frigid Poultry

Patridiocracy

Dungeons And Dragons And All Things EVIL?

Old Man Chainsaw

Helloween 4: What Are You Afraid Of?

Helloween III: Tot vs Monster Under The Bed!

There is nothing to fear but fear itself… and BEARS! ALWAYS FEAR BEARS!

One Last Razzle Dazzle Smokin’ Hail Mary Pass

Life’s Mysteries Lying
Within The Windowsill

Time Flies When?

The Other Birthday Party

Across The Rainbow Bridge

Ten More Uncomfortable Questions?

The cReAtURe

Bemusement Park Attraction

A Passing Interest In Political Masonry

Gotta Catch 'Em All?

Tis The Wink Of A Breath

A Darker Shade Of Summertime Blue

Still Littering?

H2-Oh How Fire Works

Pessimistic Optimism

Disclaimation

The Pover-Ties That Bind

Zombisaurus Rex

Apocalypse...right now? Congratulations, You’ve Survived The Apocalypse!

Where The Wild Things Were

A Hundred Thousand To One,& Eleven Things I Will Never Write

Selfie-Centered Society

Well...

Who Paints The Hammers?

Open For Interpretation

YOLO But SODOI

FUN TYme ? of TRiViAL! wiF John Q.

I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost... Busters...Remake?

Springing Forward To The Past

Remember: ‘Funeral’ Starts With FU!

Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw

Revealed Carry

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Trash...But Sometimes It’s Collectable Trash

Timeless Testing

Definitively Undead

Do You Want To Psychologically Deconstruct A Snowman?

powerBALL $1.5 Billion You’ll Never See, or A Really Powerful Ball

Heading For A Eulogy

Resolution Resolvent

Wondering Around Wandering

X-MAS

The GHOSTS Of Christmas Present

Happy Hellidays A special hate the holidays rant

Tis The Season

Franks-GIVING

Memoir From The Soviet Union

The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

Hell-O-Ween 2015 The Absence of Light

HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry

SELF LAMBASTING

Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set

HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!

Zoo-Illogical

Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

Distractions

A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending

Life

The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

BannerEventAd-01.jpg   fanjoylabrenz.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm | focusnews@centurylink.net

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2017 Tucker Productions, Inc.