Custom Search




tel:18003484095

banner3

banner3

tel:18003484095


Chainsaw’s Initial Encounter

With The Grim Reaper…

or How I Met Frank

November 9, 2017

Before we begin and long before we get to the end, let us pause for just a moment. How one can possibly pause before beginning would seem implausible. Yet we shall do just that and it seems at this point we have begun enough of a beginning to make a pause plausible. So let us now take this pause we’ve heard so much about in the past few sentences.

This pausable moment has been taken in order to acknowledge and extend a sincere, heartfelt “Thank You!” to regular readers and fans of Focus. This somewhat sappy sentiment is especially and specifically directed towards those who go out of their way to meet and greet this writer in person, in public. (Oddly enough most of these folks are encountered at the grocery…well I don’t really get out much these days and we all gotta eat so…meh.) Regardless of the atmosphere, produce or dairy, it’s neat-o mosquito when people take time to share a minute of their day. To introduce themselves, offer a handshake accompanied with a smile. To say how much they look forward to picking up a copy of the FOCUS and reading HCSWT each week.

For the most part that’s all there is to it and that, in my humble opinion, it is enough. But occasionally a long-term fan (how cool I have fans and they keep me cool all summer) or regular reader will dig a little deeper and a related to the column’s content question is inquired. Often they ask after the grand-saw formerly known as “The Tot.” Or they’ll ask how Lil Red (that’s the spouse) and I are getting on in the House o’ Saw. “Getting on” as in asking how we’re getting along or doing. Not to be confused with how and when we’re “getting it on;” that’s kinda crossing the comfort border of any friendly first-time greeting.

There is the occasional request of tales of John Q., my stuffed yellow bear sidekick’s adventures. And of course as always and forever my thoughts on the impending zombie apocalypse… it is coming…be prepared. Yet among them all the most common and bemusing made query is: “Are you really on a first name basis with the Reaper?”

Now we could curtly conclude this Q&A with the blunt response of, “Yes!” and leave it at that. However, “Yes” wouldn’t make for much of a column, now would it? In truth the Reaper has made numerous appearances in these hallowed pages over the years. In most cases comically bumming a cigarette accompanied by the warning, “Be wary of Death for he is a mooch.” Yet despite this there has surprisingly never been an article written by myself of how I meet Frank, a.k.a. The Angel of Death, in the first place…until now.

So… have I ever told you about the time I died? Not near-death experiences (those have been a fairly common occurrence over the years, ho-hum) but an actually experienced death experience? Obviously not or we wouldn’t be talking about it now. It has been 26 years gone by (dear God, adding up one’s “gone bys” makes you feel really old) since this writer almost kicked the bucket and meet the Reaper.

Eighteen years old and the end of a typical Saturday night found yours truly staggering home well past the midnight hour. Young and still foolish enough to write off the extreme and unfamiliar feeling of severe fatigue, I did however take notice of the fact that my hands were itching like crazy. Which seemed really stupid, because if you use your hands to scratch with what are you supposed to use to scratch your hands? They say that when your palms itch it’s a sign that money is coming your way. What they don’t tell you is it can also be a sign of the onset of a potential deadly disease.

Come the dawn, a sunrise filled with pain, high fever, severe skin discoloration and lots and lots of vomiting. My hands were so swollen the fingers couldn’t bend and the rest of my joints weren’t working so hot either. The folks initially fearful in-home diagnosis was Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. This struck me as odd because I had been at the movies, not the mountains, the night before. By that evening I had my own room at Frye Regional Medical Center.

The next few days were a blur between unconscious and semi-consciousness. Blood was taken by the gallon. Lab tests were run. My fever soared as the discoloration spread and moved in dull purple splotches over the entirety of my aching form. By the second day in residence eating had stopped, bowel movements ceased and urination dried-up. All that was left were the endless tubes, I.V. bags and the constant, persistent vomiting…forever with the vomiting.

Friends, relatives, church members, co-workers and neighbors came in and out in a tidal-wave of concern. Flowers, balloons and get well soons piled up in the corner. By day three I had developed an unprecedented sensitivity to light, specifically sunlight. Cue the endless vampire jokes from those whom entered my darkened lair. On that afternoon of my farewell tour, there was a dismal conversation held in whispers at the foot of my hospital bed. “Condition worsening…can’t figure out what this is…we’re losing him.” So said the blur of a doctor to another blur, unaware he was being heard by the near comatose young man dying in the room. That night an ambulance ride would bring me to Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center…Winston. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out they were sending me there to die.

Next week: Will Chainsaw survive this un-diagnosable dilemma? Was the ambulance ride fun? How much can one person puke before they run out…of puke? What does the angel of death have to do with any of this? Is Chainsaw a vampire? Tune in next week to find out the answers to these questions and more—same FOCUS time, same Chainsaw channel.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

ARCHIVES:

Anxiety

Hell-O-ween Finale: Gathering Souls For Satan

Nightmare At 12:34 EST

Gather ‘Round The Urban Campfire

There Is Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself...And That, My Friends, Is A Lie!

She’ll Do Just About ANYTHING!

Can You Remember Before
Remembering Having A Memory?

Up To The Week Coverage Before/During The Hurricane Aftermath

Uncommon Courtesy

All I Really Need To Know About Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse I learned In Kindergarten!

You Only Get One: Part 2. But Can You Get Two?

You Only Get One

One Super Power...Just One!

Dawn Of The Day After The Night Of The Living Dead

Hot And Bothered

Just Try And Relax

Stop Trashing Our World

Go Make Me A Sandwich

WARNING: This Newspaper Is Not To Be Used As A Flotation Device

A Conversation On The Third Sunday In June

Grass

It’s Never Just 5 MORE MINUTES

There Is No Daycare... At The End Of The World

Clap Your Hands

Conspirative, Coincidental Conclusions

“Good Things...” Wait???

Immortal

Actually, You Can Judge A Book By Its Cover

Which Came First, The Rabbit Or The Jew?

End Of The Wagon Ride?

Comely Folks

Power-less

Wishing You The Luck Of The Irish

Avian Impact

Religious Trousers

Take A Seat

A Revolution Solution?

Romantic Interlude Eluded

Merriam Webster’s Chainsaw Edition Vol. 3

Have TUBA, Will Travel

The Importance Of Background Action

And then...the cat CAME BACK!

Happy USED Year?

No. 52

‘Twas The Night Before KRAMPUS

It’s The Thought

You Are Nothing More Than A Disgruntled Who!

It’s such a good vibration...such a sweet CESSATION!

A Warm Helping Of Frigid Poultry

Patridiocracy

Dungeons And Dragons And All Things EVIL?

Old Man Chainsaw

Helloween 4: What Are You Afraid Of?

Helloween III: Tot vs Monster Under The Bed!

There is nothing to fear but fear itself… and BEARS! ALWAYS FEAR BEARS!

One Last Razzle Dazzle Smokin’ Hail Mary Pass

Life’s Mysteries Lying
Within The Windowsill

Time Flies When?

The Other Birthday Party

Across The Rainbow Bridge

Ten More Uncomfortable Questions?

The cReAtURe

Bemusement Park Attraction

A Passing Interest In Political Masonry

Gotta Catch 'Em All?

Tis The Wink Of A Breath

A Darker Shade Of Summertime Blue

Still Littering?

H2-Oh How Fire Works

Pessimistic Optimism

Disclaimation

The Pover-Ties That Bind

Zombisaurus Rex

Apocalypse...right now? Congratulations, You’ve Survived The Apocalypse!

Where The Wild Things Were

A Hundred Thousand To One,& Eleven Things I Will Never Write

Selfie-Centered Society

Well...

Who Paints The Hammers?

Open For Interpretation

YOLO But SODOI

FUN TYme ? of TRiViAL! wiF John Q.

I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost... Busters...Remake?

Springing Forward To The Past

Remember: ‘Funeral’ Starts With FU!

Deadpool Vs. Chainsaw

Revealed Carry

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Trash...But Sometimes It’s Collectable Trash

Timeless Testing

Definitively Undead

Do You Want To Psychologically Deconstruct A Snowman?

powerBALL $1.5 Billion You’ll Never See, or A Really Powerful Ball

Heading For A Eulogy

Resolution Resolvent

Wondering Around Wandering

X-MAS

The GHOSTS Of Christmas Present

Happy Hellidays A special hate the holidays rant

Tis The Season

Franks-GIVING

Memoir From The Soviet Union

The Incredible BULK

Requiem For A Deer

Hell-O-Ween 2015 Chainsaw vs The Devil

Hell-O-Ween 2015: Trick or Treating With John Q

Hell-o-ween 2015 Trap Door To Hell

Hell-O-Ween 2015 The Absence of Light

HELL-O-WEEN 2015 • There is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually, there’s way more!

Gone Squirrelly

Close In-Counter The Crooked Man

Chainsaw’s Guide To“Fun”damental Gun Safety

Older And...Wiser?

So...You Want Me To Put It... On The Dash?

Acts Of Lethargy

High Noon In The TempleOf The One-Eyed God

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

A Part Apart

Chainsaw’s Guide To Handgun Safety

.38 Special

Littering In Review!

5

Preparing To Alienate Yourself

Father’s Day?

We Are All Immortal... At Least Until We Die

Boggin Me Down

Comic Relief

5 Minutes Later...

Godzilla Was Misunderstood

Happy Bunnies’ Last Stand! Or, The Rise Of The Content And Yet Paranoid Squirrels!

Smurf The Whole Day Through!

Running With Scissors

Back In 5 Minutes...

We’re All Mad Here!

Building Up To It

Graveside Trivia With Frank

Before You Can Begin Sifting Through The Ashes

Daylight WASTE Of Time

Just Thinking Out Loud Here

There’s Bacon Loose In The Freezer

Stop Thinking Like A People

Sit, Roll Over, Play Dead...Now, Reanimate

Of Chainsaws And Puppy Paws

Cult Classic Or Pop Culture Corpses

A Chainsaw Classic:Exhaustipated

Living Within The Sliding Puzzle

Resolutions In Higher Resolutions

2015 As It Falls Apart

It’s A Wonderful Life?

How The Grinch Didn’t Bother Stealing Christmas

Room To Move: A Christmas Story

10 Uncomfortable Questions

Thanks...For Nothing

All In Due-Over Time

Stuff To Give Thanks For, Because After All, It’s Thanksgiving

30 Days

Hell-o-ween 4 Do You Believe In Ghosts?

Hell-O-Ween 3: Suburban Legends

Hell-O-Ween 2 The Bloody ‘55

Hell-O-Ween - There Is Nothing To Fear But FearItself...And Low-Flying Ducks!

Why Would You Want To Catch A Cold?

Technologically AdvancedOr Obsessed?

The Chainsaw Hard Drive

Of The Apes

I Don’t Know...What Do You Wanna Do?

And Then...One Year Later...

Is It Hopeless Or Should We Hope Less

Are There Alternate Realities?

Questionable Perception

Literally Speaking

He’s In The Closet

The Eclector

Littering Is Delusional!

Sis Boom BAH

Fear...Of The Bat!

CLOSED The Road To Imagination

Toy Box Terrors

Fire Trucks, Some Fencing And A Potential Kazoo

Grasping For A Gasp

Commercial Messages

Lilies Considered

The Passage Of Furry Little People

Broken Conversation Pieces

Momentary Lapse Of Realization

During The Zombie Apocalypse

And You Can Drive It Off The Lot...TODAY!!!

Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks!

Relation Termination

Bound & Determined

Waste of Saving Time

They Oft Go Awry

SELF LAMBASTING

Mud and Memories

The Devil Came Down, Part 2

The Devil Came Down

Chainsaw’s Random Trivia Tidbits Or Useless Crap You Probably Don’t Know

Undead Offensive

Estranged Stranger

The Wee-wee Hours Of The Morning

Trying To Stay Focused

Annual Demise

‘Twas The Night Before Santa Claus Was Coming To Town!

Slay Bells Ring

Embracing The Holidays...In A Strangle Hold!

The TRUTH About Thanksgiving!

Stuff To Be Thankful For, Because After All, It Is Thanksgiving

Used Children

Primitive Mind Set

HELL-O-WEEN 4 THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF…AND BIGFOOT WITH HERPES!

HELL-O-WEEN 3: Co$tumes

HELL-O-WEEN 2 Is It The Devil’s Holiday?

Helloween Left In The Dark

To The Naked Eye

Something Else

Trivia To Soothe The Savages

MOTOSIERRA, SCIE à CHAîNE, ??????, ERRA ELéTRICA, Αλυσοπρ?ονο, CHAINSAW

For Decades

Lights... Camera... Distraction

Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!

Zoo-Illogical

Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!

Distractions

A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending

Life

The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke

THE BEAR AND I Part 2: RETURN OF THE Q!

The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide


 

 

 

 

BannerEventAd-01.jpg   fanjoylabrenz.jpg

PO Box 1721 | Hickory, NC 28603 | 828.322.1036 | Office Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9am - 5pm | focusnews@centurylink.net

Home • Reviews: MoviesAdam Long • Editorials: FocusHave Chainsaw Will TravelSid On SportsBobbi GSara MawyerPeople PicturesPlaces/PeopleExtra Events Listing
Out Of Focus • News: Local NewsNational NewsHoroscopes • Info/Links: Staff/ContributorsList Of AdvertisersOnline AdvertisingOnline ClassifiedsContact UsFocus BLOGStoreLinks

© 1978 - 2017 Tucker Productions, Inc.