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Minor Holiday Complaint

April 5, 2018

Spring has sprung and now that it has sprang we can spring into action, grab it by the sproing from which it sprang and get sprung! Hmm…that last part doesn’t sound quite right; almost like some sort of bizarre sexual innuendo. Either that or the lyrics to a desperately bad country drinking song, “C’mon ya’ll- grab yer cousins, have a ho-down get a little lovin’, grab a sproing and let’s get sprung!” Nope, maybe not…anywho…

Spring has arrived. The sun is shining. The birds are singing. The flowers are blooming. The grass…is growing. The riding mower needs a new battery. The push mower’s blade is dull, and bent, and jagged …why in hell did we think lining that flower bed with barely visible rocks was a good idea? Yay Spring… spring sucks! Oh it’s beautiful to behold but hell on earth to maintain. It’s like its nature’s special way of saying fu… “Excuse me Mr.Chainsaw.”

Oh it’s The Secretary, (the one that John Q. my stuffed bear sidekick and Frank the Reaper hired…they pay her in scones). Hi The, what’s up? I’m kinda in the middle of… “I’m sorry to interrupt your creative composition, sir, but…the President is here!!!” The president! The President of what? “Sir it’s the PRESIDENT, as in of the United States of America!” Donald’s here? “No sir.” Umm, OK, which one, I’m pretty sure we’ve had more than one. “It’s Mr. Abraham Lincoln sir, the sixteenth president of these United States.” LINCOLN?!?

Grabbing my chainsaw, I spring into action. Former President or not, a zombie is still a zombie, and I’m about to go John Wilkes Booth on his undead ass. Is it still assassination if they’re already dead? “Umm… Mr. Chainsaw sir, President Lincoln is not currently a member of the life-challenged community, as it were, he is actually a holiday spawned manifestation … I’ll show him in?” Well poot (just stow this away). How’s is going Abe?

The 16th president (or rather the holiday manifestation thereof) nods and removes his stovetop hat. From there, he is honest (as expected), sincere and straight to the point. He informs me that he and several other holiday icons (the bunny and leprechaun are mentioned) are feeling a little put out; as they were not acknowledged during their respective holiday week in my column this year. They would have all come, but since I had skipped my usual daylight savings time article, the others had forgotten to spring their clocks forward and missed the bus. Wow, I never realized this column played such a large part in the holidays.

To be honest with Abe, I’ve just been taking a break from the holiday write-ups. They’ve been mentioned in some way, shape or form every year since this column’s debut. This year we’re just trying somethings a little different. But to be honest with Abe, other than poking fun of President’s Day sales, there is no recollection of ever writing a column about his holiday. Besides, what could be wrote about Lincoln that hadn’t already been written? Anything worth reading on him was available online year round or had been made into a movie. Hmm… it would be interesting to tie a holiday article into his time as a vampire slayer. Abraham informs me that that was just a foolish movie. In turn I inform him it was a factual documentary and he needs to get his facts straight about his own history.

At this point our 16th President holds up his hands and lowers his head. The room takes on a thick and serious air with the weight of his silence. When he looks up and speaks it becomes very apparent why this man was elected and is still held in such high regard even to this day.

“Mr. Saw, the holiday representatives, myself included, were to come here today with no intent to complain about our recent absence in the fine publication you represent. It is understood that from time to time things are to be forgotten or overlooked. In that regard we hold no malcontent towards you. However, we, the minor holidays as a whole, would like to make a humble request. That being that you give mention to another holiday, one that is not intended for celebration but rather for mourning the lives lost. No need to dedicate an entire article to the subject and the horrors it would entail to do so. But if you could just remind them, your readers, we would greatly appreciate it.” I don’t think that’ll be a problem.

During World War II, Adolf Hitler’s Nazi Germany, aided by its collaborators, systematically murdered some six million European Jews, around two-thirds of the Jewish population of Europe, between 1941 and 1945. We will not dwell on this subject and give precedence or unintentional morbid glory to this horrific time in human history. April 12th 2018 is Holocaust Remembrance Day. Please take time to dedicate a moment of silence. Thank you.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

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