The Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2
August 22, 2013
Picking up where we left off last week, with a few more alterations to the wonderful works of Webster’s. More of a sequel as opposed to a continuation. This would explain the “Vol.2” in the title.
The dictionary is a constantly shifting and changing entity. It has to be to keep up with our growing world and the terminology that goes with it. Each year thousands of words are considered and a choice few added to Webster’s repertoire. Simultaneously older words are altered or removed from it. All the while vocabularians (creators of new words) continue to challenge Webster’s by creating new words and terms.
Taking all this into consideration (and since words can obviously be created from scratch) brings up the question of how can any word not be considered a word? After all Webster’s itself defines a word as: a letter or group of letters, written, printed or spoken, having meaning and representing a unit of language. So technically anything you can say, that can be written down, sounded out and defined is a word. So I figured why not screw with the English language a little and quote a few of my own vocabularianisms.
Here are some new words of my own and some old ones redefined.
Bossame: something you are not.
Box-tool: a tool that goes in a toolbox.
Butterfly: a possible action taken when one’s zipper is stuck.
Bust-a-move: when you interrupt someone who’s moving.
Candy striper: job title for person who puts the stripes on candy canes.
Candy stripper: 1. person who removes the red from your candy 2. person who opens candy professionally.
Catoestropic: when a cat gets sand between its toes on a tropical island.
Catoestopic: an in-depth discussion on cat toes.
Chainsaw: literary comedian. See also - awesome, weird and neat-o.
Cheese grater: when your cheese is better than everyone else’s.
Clogging: when you purposely stop up a someone else’s toilet.
Cookie cutter: what you would call a shiv used on Cookie Monster in prison. Condomsendingly: being spoken to with the level of respect one would show to a condom.
Curt Russell: a person named Russell who gets to the point quickly.
Demigod: whatever deity Demi Moore decides to worship.
Diolated: when someone dies from being violated.
Flabulous: when an obese girl thinks she’s a hottie.
Flogging: flying in a dense flog.
Funtabulous: when some thing is fabulously fun.
Hibiscuits: flowers that go good with gravy. Inhibisques: to inhibit a bisques.
Irrelephant: 1. when something’s irrelevance is the size of an elephant. 2. when there’s an extra elephant.
Mad Max: as mad as you can get at people of a different race or religious preference. Miami Vice: people who are addicted to Florida.
Progastionator: a person who puts off farting till the last possible minute.
Racism: a redneck way of asking if a male person is in a race.
Rebuttal: when you decide to tap dat a** one more time at the club.
Rehickulous: something only a redneck would find funny.
Semigod: 1. sort of a god but not really. 2. the god of 18 wheelers.
Sextravagant: fancy sex.
Sextravaganza: lots of fancy sex.
Sideburns: what you get if you lie in a tanning bed the wrong way.
Sillium: a metal that makes you laugh.
Sleepy head: when just your head is tired. Writers block: a square piece of wood owned by a writer.
OK, enough of this crap. Hope you found that utterly fasturbating but I’ve run out of words and it all seems irrelephant now. Next week...um...something else.
I welcome all questions, comments, and column suggestions, via Focus, or e-mail me at my new email address– email@example.com
Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.