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August 29, 2013

“OK, in this scene you’ll be confronting one of your greatest nemesis, Guy Who’s Driving Too Slow Because He’s Using His Cell Phone Man.” (Guy and man seems a little redundant huh?) “Now unlike the scenes where you’re pitting your wits against Guy Who Goes Camping By The Lake And Leaves Discarded Broken Beer Bottles To Cut The Feet Of Innocent Children Man,” (again with the guy/man?) “this will be more of a physical confrontation as opposed to giving him a lecture on environmental responsibility. Just yank him out of the car and cut him in half. Your only lines are- “Eat s*** motherf*****!I’m gonna ****ing **** your ******* *** up and **** down your ****ing ****!”

Then we’ll do it again but the second time your lines will be- “Eat a poop, I’m gonna mess you up with my fists!” and only kind of poke at him with the’s for the PG version. Got it?” (nods) “Good! alright people let’s do this!”

“Quiet on the set! Marker!” Have Chainsaw Will Travel the MOVIE; Scene 35; Take 22. “ Annnnnnnnndddddd ACTION!!!”

What a daydream, it would be so cool if someone actually did make a HCSAWWT movie. Wonder who they’d get to play me? Maybe they’d let me be me! I think I’d be a pretty good me. Then again I’ve kinda missed some...OK, all my acting classes. So maybe they can find somebody better than me to be me. Me, me, me... WOW who’s a self-centered a-hole today? I digress and we move on.

If not having a movie made of their life story (or maybe just some interesting or cool event that happened during it), most folks at some point in time fantasize about being in the movies. Mostly porn...just kidding (maybe not, who knows how freaky-deaky you are). Anywho, some take their aspirations to appear in cinema a bit further. They say ‘to hell with waiting around for Holly-weird’ and make their own “home movies.” Now we’re not talking about the likes of The Smith Family Christmas 2009 or Little Bobbie’s 2nd Birthday. Let’s be honest, everybody films those things but nobody watches them... unless someone dies...or they have no life (which sounds like the same thing but isn’t).

What we are talking about is homemade movies. With a script (or around about idea), throw together costuming, somebody’s make-up caboodle (remember caboodles?), a little red food coloring mixed with Karo syrup, and whatever passes for acting in your household. For the most part this style of filming either comes out badly over acted or humorous. Yet every now and again something utterly entertaining is produced. Regardless of the outcome it’s something that can be shared with family and friends. Something that isn’t met with eye-rolling yawns of excitement (like your digital slide show of your trip to the Bahamas).

With the coming of the digital age the art of home movies has evolved. No more dragging out the heavy-arsed camcorder, dysfunctional tripod and miles of wiring. Now shooting a film only requires a digital camera, or just flip open your phone. In addition most computers now come with highly advanced digital editing software. It’s easier than ever to make a good quality film and the internet allows for a wider viewing audience. Which brings us to the question of why aren’t there more homemade films? Most of what you see on online video sites is recorded TV, soft-core porn or 12 second clips that make little or no sense. It’s like Facebook where everybody posts a hundred pictures...of themselves! Taken in the bathroom mirror...WTF?

All this technology and the daily advancements in it and nobody utilizes any of it? Of course not. With the distraction of pursuing useless tech creativity, innovation and imagination fall to the wayside and become lost.

Don’t know why I’m wasting my breath here. It would have taken you over three seconds to get this far and for those needing to hear the message that’s way too long...bunch of goldfish. But for those of you who can still hold onto your attention span, go make some movies.

I welcome all questions, comments, and column suggestions, via Focus, or e-mail me at my new email address–

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya.



Webster’s DictionaryThe Chainsaw Edition Vol. 2

Webster’s Dictionary THE CHAINSAW EDITION, Vol. 1

You Only Get One

Picture Imperfect

Can You Imagine Dragons?

Putting The ‘Itch’ In

Grow Up!!!

Night of the Living Dead...Alligators?

Littering Is Still Bad!!!


Bulimic Nation

Warning: This Article May Contain Nuts!


A Better Mousetrap

A Little Soul-Rending


The Battle En...Shoes?

Americana Forgotten! A Train Of Thought Ride

The Evil Dead

Shooting From The Hip

Reminiscing A Dump...Truck

Another Good Friday

Political Race...ism?

Seven Stages

The Joke


The Bear And I

Scouting It Out

Chainsaw’s Dating Guide





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