April 24, 2014
In the blink of an eye, the draw of a breath, the pick of a nose... a lifetime can pass you by. It's also the way to contract MRSA (the nose picking part). Did you know that MRSA grows just inside your nasal cavity? All it takes to contract the virus is wiping your hand across your nose and then touching an open pore. No picking— and if you must use a tissue. Poetic, metaphoric, disgusting, insanity...what's on your mind? Open the flood gates, release the Kraken and let us wash over your brain like liquid velvet madness.
APPLAUSE, “ENCORE, ENCORE!” (Taking a bow) “No, no you’re far too kind. Please take your seats and ladies put your tops back on...in just a minute.” Checks notes. “Well, ahem, let’s see if we can keep the rest of this as innovatively entertaining. Never actually written before a live studio audience before...” Well this is just ridiculous!
A lifetime is an indefinable span of time that varies per species and individual, with no set parameters. Wanna argue that point? Consider this: The average human lifetime is 70 years. By this speculation you could reason that a person aged 35 years could view their life as half over. Looking back at the first half fondly (or hated) and reflecting on and learning from their experiences. Perhaps taking this first half into consideration they look for ways to make the later half more enjoyable and fulfilling.
That sounds awesome in theory but what if...while they’re in this deeply contemplative state, they aren’t paying attention, get distracted, and step in front of a bus? In the blink of an eye their life expectancy is literally cut in half; dead at the age of 35. Now we have to reevaluate their lifetime. Should they have been contemplating the second half of their existence when they turned 17.5? Yeah, right, because we all know at the age of 17.5 we are seriously considering our future...well some people do, but for most it takes a little longer for us to get it.
Live for the moment, savor the day. You could get hit by a bus in 17.5 more years or tomorrow...Now we have to reevaluate again. Seriously what 8.75 year old is planning the later half of their lifetime? Worried about retirement benefits before they even hit puberty. And what if they’re hit by a bus tomorrow?
Struck down in your prime and left contemplating death at the tender age of 4.37500? You’ve just finished and mastered walking, talking and not pooping in your pants...so what are you going to do with the rest of your life? We’ll have to stop here because you get the point (or you’re stupid) and the math is giving me a headache. Besides there’s something more important to take into consideration-—Where the f*** are all these buses coming from?
Are they like big yellow school buses? City buses? Charter tour buses? Do they have “YOUR DEMISE” in their front next destination display? If we knew to look out for these buses could we avoid them, maybe hide from them? If we stay off the street could they still get us? Would they smash through our houses and run us down? More importantly, can they be destroyed? If they were all destroyed would we become immortals? Hmmm they seem to gather at terminals and schools. Should we ban together and get them while they sleep? No, because they’d just play dead and we’d get charged with trespassing, destruction of private property, etc. You can be sure a judge would not side with a “killing evil buses for the survival of mankind” defense. Sigh...it’s hopeless.
Guess the best thing to do is to live your life to the fullest until your bus comes. Since you never know when that will be, guess you better get started...Seriously, move your ass now! There could be a bus stop around the next corner. Your life expectancy is NOW!
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!