Toy Box Terrors

June 12, 2014

SMOKAHOLIC UPDATE: Two weeks ago, due to a severely debilitating reaction to seasonal allergens, an executive decision was made. Literally gasping for each breath made smoking impossible. Ergo it seemed like a good time to try and quit...or at least start by cutting back severely. Regular readers (thank you for your continued patronage) probably see this as an inside joke. Giving up smoking has been the topic for several articles, not to mention three New Year’s resolutions. But this time it’s serious! Already down from a pack and a half a day to 15 cigarettes per day and less to come. We’ll keep you posted on the progress so maybe I’ll be reminded to keep progressing.

And now back to your regular weekly column, already in progress at this time...

Over the years gone by there have been quite a few children to take up residency in the House of Saw. Currently there is my only child and her only child. But there have been a number of others who tagged along with ex-wives and former live-in girlfriends. They were welcomed in with open arms and ushered out with a heavy heart when the relationship dissolved. There is something to be said for the emotional trauma children endure in these situations. But that’s a depressing subject for another day; perhaps never. Whether temporary visitors or permanent residents, there is one definitive thing children always bring to a household- creepy a** toys!

Wow, though it was a nice lead-in even I didn’t see that transition coming.

An internet search can show you several listings for bizarre toys from yesteryear as well as ones from yesterday. Of course a quick glance around your house can provide a visual. In most cases the toys aren’t intended to be creepy, sometimes timing and location means everything. With that in mind what follows is a quick rundown of the four creepiest inanimate residents to ever darken the doorways of the House of Saw.

4. Talking Barney the Dinosaur: Some parents find this PBS icon creepy enough. The miniature version that sat in a mini-rocker in our living room didn’t help this image. Equipped with thousands of phrases, this talking toy was supposed to react when its hand was squeezed. The one we had spoke whenever it wanted to, usually at night and the phrases were insane. ‘Let’s hop...like a donkey!” “Make a sound like...a giraffe!” Barney quickly found his way to Goodwill. Go love you, love me somewhere else, you purple freak.

3.Jumbo-sized Dollar Store Doll: This was one of those cheap, three foot tall, hollow plastic jobs; if you tried to move its arms or legs they popped off. With its pale blonde hair and blank expression it looked like a Children of the Damned mini-me. Since its legs couldn’t be bent it was always left standing; and the kids left it standing everywhere. Then one night they left it standing in the kitchen. I came across it on my way to get a drink of water...the doll would stand no more. I had seen it, freaked out and kicked the s*** out of its creepy little a**. The next day I told the kids it had run away.

2.Mewing Kitty: My daughter loved kitties! I am allergic to kitties. Solution: small stuffed kitty with squeeze activated kitty sounds. Problem: it didn’t need to be squeezed and the sounds it made were long-drawn and hellishly creepy. How bad was it? How scary could a stuffed kitty be? So bad my daughter brought it to me and asked me to shoot it. And I did...3 times, because it just kept going. We finally had to beat the mangled mechanics with a hammer to get it to stop; there were no batteries...

1. Naked Phoebus: Phoebus was the captain of the guards in the Disney film The Hunchback Of Notre Dame and they made a fully articulated Ken Doll-sized version of him. His clothes disappeared within the first week revealing that his big grinning head was disproportional to his body. The doll itself was creepy enough but the fact that Naked Phoebus seemed to pop up everywhere made it borderline horrific. Naked Phoebus in my chair, Naked Phoebus in the sink, Naked Phoebus in the basement. I attempted to throw this miniature nudist away... twice...it came back! After Naked Phoebus popped up in the bathroom when I got out of the shower I wouldn’t touch it. “Hey! Hey, somebody come get Naked Phoebus!” Then one day he was gone. To this day I wonder if Naked Phoebus is here somewhere...watching...waiting to unleash his Naked Phoebusness upon me once more.

I welcome almost all questions and comments either through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!