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Sis Boom BAH

July 3, 2014

The time frame in which you are actually reading this be damned. For all we know it’s the end of November and you’ve found this buried in a stack of magazines, on the back of a toilet, in a gas station restroom and are like, “Hey, I missed this issue!” If so—Happy Thanksgiving! However at present it is not even close to turkey day and we’ll address this article from its actual date of publication. Which is when you should have been reading it...for shame, you non-keeping up with time-sensitive articles in freely distributed newsprint slacker, for shame!

For the rest of us (who aren’t making a pre-turkey, gas station poop) tomorrow is Independence Day a.k.a. The 4th of July! It’s time to celebrate and commemorate a triumphant moment in our nation’s history. It was on this momentous day in 1996 that those two brave Americans, Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith, risked their lives to ensure our great nation’s independence. Thwarting an alien invasion, saving our country...they should really make a movie about that.

It’s also when about a billion years ago some guys signed some paper...but who cares about that? What’s really important is it’s time to break out the barbecue grill, because nothing says ”Lets cook outdoors!” like 100 degree heat!

OK, hit the brakes, because the turbulence from the subject hopping is making me nauseous. Let’s just cut to the chase and get to the point: July 4th =FIREWORKS!!!

Fireworks were invented by the Chinese during the Han Dynasty (206 B.C.- 220 A.D.). Originally they were used based on the belief that the loud noises produced would ward off evil spirits. Though they would eventually come to be used for all celebratory occasions. Much later the weapons application would turn them into the predecessors of rockets in warfare.

In 1777 firecrackers were used to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence the previous year. In 1941, Congress declared July 4th a federal holiday and fireworks have been an integral part of the celebration ever since...except in North Carolina. Yeah there are fireworks shows, but it is illegal for individual citizens to posses any firework that flies or goes bang (I thought that was the whole point?). Possession of any flying or banging fireworks can cost you a heavy fine (up to and beyond $500) or land your ass in jail.

But why? Why are North Carolinians denied all that fly-bang fun? South Carolina’s right next door and they’re flying and banging all over the place...it isn’t fair...pout :-(...or is it? Hmmm why you ask? Well, let’s see. Yearly we average over a quarter million dollars in property damage, hundreds of severe injuries (mostly small children) and the occasional death due to fireworks.

With that said, maybe it isn’t such a good idea to give sparklers (which produce temperatures of up to 2,000 degrees) to toddlers. It’s also safe to assume that shooting roman candles at your friends might be risky. While we’re at it, they’re called “bottle” rockets because they’re meant to be shot out of bottles, not your hand, or your teeth and especially not your ass (thanks for that one, Steve O from Jackass). If you hold an M-80 (which is not the equivalent of 1/4 stick of dynamite—urban legend) in your hand it will hurt. It’s a tiny bomb! Why in hell would you let a tiny bomb blow up in your hand? Are you stupid? Ah, now we come down to the tacks of brass.

The reason fireworks, along with other fun things, get banned is because people are stupid. The inability to think ahead or consider the consequences of one’s actions is the cause of many things being taken away or prohibited. The effect is those of us who are not stupid have to miss out on fun stuff because those who are stupid are too stupid to realize their stupidity ruins things for everyone else.

This 4th of July have fun, barbecue, celebrate, remember Jeff and Will and enjoy the fireworks but most of all, BE SAFE!!! All the not-stupid people are counting on you!

I welcome almost all questions and comments either through the Focus, or just E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!

 

 

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