There Is Nothing To Fear But Fear
Itself...And Low-Flying Ducks!
October 9, 2014
October has arrived and Fall has finally, fully, fallen upon us. A fireworks extravaganza explodes throughout the forests as nature puts on its Autumn wardrobe. A bit of splendor to be enjoyed before winter’s sleep takes them. Time to start packing up the lawnmowers and bringing out the rakes; there’s always clean-up after a show. Time to winterize your home, your car and yourself. It’s time to make that first trip into the attic for Holiday decorations. Because October means Halloween.
Yes the Holiday Season and all its traditional hoopla is ushered in by this most horrific of holidays. And in the tradition of that tradition Have Chainsaw Will Travel has a tradition all its own...we call it Hell-o-ween! For the next few weeks this column will feature tales to terrify and delight. But before we start telling those tales of terror, let’s set the mood by looking at a few things that are horrifying year round. Things like...
An empty twelve pack in a deer stand. Drunk rednecks with guns wandering around the woods. Drunk naked rednecks in your backyard at 3 a.m. Squealing like a pig. Deliverance 2. Toddlers who pause mid-play and stare into space. Toddlers who talk to no one in the room. Groups of toddlers that go quiet when you approach. Walking in on an adolescent relative “enjoying” internet porn. Realizing your spouse is a current porn star. Being happily married and finding out your spouse isn’t. Messy divorces. Separation of property. Separation anxiety. Separating eggs. Growing old; growing old alone; growing old alone with the knowledge that you didn’t have to be alone when you grew old. Dying alone; dying surrounded by friends and loved ones and realizing you don’t really like any of them. Public restrooms. Realizing that you will never, at any point in your life, be rich, attractive, cool, successful, or popular.
Elderly people sleeping in public; are they dead? – somebody poke them. Large flocks of birds – they out number us, you know. Not ducking when someone says “Duck!” and getting hit by a duck you could have ducked. Bugs that seem to be watching you just before you squish them. Finding half a bug in your half-eaten bowl of cereal. Realizing you are surrounded by morons. Coming to the sad realization that you, too, are also a moron. That disoriented sensation the morning after you’ve rearranged the bedroom furniture. Peeing yourself because you can’t find your way out of the rearranged bedroom. Stepping on something in the dark and it moving. Stomping something in the dark to kill it. Having to bury a squished puppy*. Playing Monopoly with yourself and always losing. Wondering when deer will get the idea they can fight back.
Coming to the conclusion (only too late), that that particular piece of Tupperware wasn’t microwavable after all. Strangers who start up conversations in the checkout line. Strangers checking you out while you’re having a conversation. Vomiting in public. Being vomited on in public. Squirrels who seem to be f***ing with you by darting back and forth in the road. Squirrels that just sit and stare at your house. Coming to the conclusion that if you were a squirrel you’d f*** with people, too. Realizing your life is probably already half over. Wondering when the “good part” is supposed to happen. Realizing it did and you missed it. Finding out Life isn’t short and for the most part is a pretty boring game but a tasty cereal.
Reality is full of fear and fright. So bring on the ghouls, spooks and goblins, they’ve got nothing on the real world this Hell-o-ween.
Next week Hell-o-ween continues with a tale of a classic car...of the DAMNED!!!
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