November 27, 2014
It is spoken of in Biblical text (Ecclesiastes 3:1) as well as sung by The Byrds (Turn, Turn, Turn, 1965) that to everything there is a season. This is true and you will get no argument that there is a time, place and season for everything...well almost everything but that’s complicated and off subject. So for the sake of argument let’s just say that for “almost everything” there is a season. Makes sense, seems organized and manageable but what happens when something literally pushes the boundaries of its season?
It is also said that “Actions speak louder than words” and it is over due time for action. I have decided to start a secret society to corral one particular “thing” back into its season. A secret society whose sole purpose is to put the X back in Xmas! WAIT! STOP! HOLD ON just a minute! Before you race to send that disgruntled e-mail to the FOCUS lovely editorial lady, complaining that the evil Chainsaw man is spouting Antichrist sentiments, allow me to explain. In no way am I insinuating nor insisting that we should take “Christ” out of Christmas. To each his own and far be it from me to criticise another’s beliefs...this time anyway.
The fact is we’re not even talking about Christmas. What we’re talking about is Xmas! Xmas in the sense of all things secular, commercialized and worldly about the holiday season. So put your shirt back on, holster your gun and get your finger off the “hate-mail” app on your iPhone. Now that we’ve cleared that up...
This secret society will be forged from thankfulness and based on society’s desperate need to be humbled and give thanks. We will fight for the realistic traditions that have been long-standing and that were set into place years ago by our ancestors. We will do battle with the jolly old elf himself to hold back the tide of Yuletide cheer long enough for us to carve the bird and pass the cranberry sauce; none for me thanks. WE WILL MAKE A STAND FOR THANKSGIVING!!!
We will come to be known as the Justice League of Pilgrims or Turkey Day Defenders. Dressed as pilgrims or turkeys or both. That actually seems scarier- people dressed as turkeys dressed as pilgrims. And we will launch a full scale assault on all things Xmas that arrive pre-season. There will be Christmas tree bonfires and wreath stomping in the streets. Department store Santas will be yanked from their throne and spanked, ‘tis naughty to undermine other holidays. They will be replaced with turkey petting zoos. Inflatable Xmas lawn decor will be slathered in lumpy homemade mashed potatoes and cold creamed corn (seriously, nobody’s going to eat those and be thankful anyway). Strings of lights will...umm...be unstrung! Carolers will be bugled with horns o’ plenty. We will retake the end of November and make Xmas wait its turn. ‘Twill be a very black Friday indeed!
Problem. The whole point of a “secret society” is that it remain a secret. So upon this column reaching print that kinda blows that all to hell. Besides, one can imagine that most of the listed actions would lead to jail time...or at least an insanity plea. And for what? It wouldn’t do any good. People won’t be satisfied till the Xmas thing stretches year-round and then what? Do they not get it? What makes it special is that is comes in a small dose once a year. Much like drugs after awhile you need more and more until...well, you overdose and die.
So for the sake of not dying a cheerful, fruitcake stuffed death I implore you: Take a moment amongst all the hustling, bustling bulls*** and take inventory on what’s really important. Give thanks before you hang the holly. Besides, some of us don’t need the pressure of buying our Thanksgiving turkey and Xmas tree from the same store on the same day.
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Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!