chainsaw_headerAhhh! …what a perfect, majestically beautiful day! The sun shines overhead in a brisk blue sky as puffy white clouds drift lazily by, accompanied by a gentle breeze…Ahhh! Laid back, surrounded in soft padded bliss, in a recliner that seems custom made for your comfort…Ahhh! Your favorite, tasty, ice cold beverage is in the chair’s cup holder…sip…Ahhh! Soothing rhythmic waves, lapping at the beach, drown out all other sound… (You can’t hear your “Ahhh!” because it’s drowned out by the soothing laps). Is it the ocean or just lake side? It doesn’t matter; you’re far too cozy to bother checking out the shoreline, too relaxed to care…inaudible internal Ahhh! In your peripheral vision you find your significant other, not so significant other or maybe perfect stranger you took a fancy to when you passed on the street… Oooo! Either way they look delicious, far more gooder than usual. (Yes, I am full aware “gooder” is an improper adjective but it’s funner to use sometimes). Maybe later, but for now you just want to lay back and soak up the serenity of the moment and…BLAT, BLAT, BLAT…what the holy hell is that???    

Suddenly the sky goes dark. Your peripheral vision goes tunneled. The water has taken on an ink-like consistency, as it rushes up and around, enshrouding you in black, liquid velvet. BLAT, BLAT, BLAT…all the while… BLAT, BLAT, BLAT… you’ve got this going on… BLAT, BLAT, BLAT! Steadily growing louder… BLAT, BLAT, BLAT… and more persistent!

Now, in complete and utter darkness it is just you… BLAT, BLAT, BLAT… and that. But then there is light. Just a little and it’s flashing in tune to… BLAT, BLAT, BLAT! You beckon, beg and plea for your numb, dead arm to go towards the light. Smack at the light… must…hit …the snooze button. Your only thought, your only true desire is simply, “Just 5 more minutes!”      

But it’s never really just 5 more minutes. Which you soon realize, after preforming the smacking the nightstand ritual two more times, and discover you’re gonna be late. How is that possible? Three smacks times five snoozes equals just an extra fifteen minutes of sleep right? This would be true if a snooze lasted only five minutes. In truth you’ve actually acquired an extra twenty-four minutes under the covers. This due to the fact that the standard snooze time, for all alarm clocks, is a nine minute interval not the “just 5” you requested. With the exception of some phones which can be set as desired. Even then the default setting is still always nine minutes.      

HIT THE SNOOZEWhy nine minutes? Nine minutes seems like such an arbitrary time frame! Who in the f*** thought of picking such a random number? Let us find them and question their intentions! Accompanied with scolding and swift, sleepy numb arm smacks! As it turns out it’s not so much in the desire as it is in the details. The snooze function was first introduced in the 1950s. By this time the innards of alarm clocks had long been standardized. This meant that the teeth on the snooze gear would have to mesh with the existing gear configuration, leaving engineers with a single logical choice—a little more than nine minutes.

Originally the snooze features function was not to allot for snoozing but rather to assist in case of error. In the event a person consciously switched off the alarm and decided to lie there for “just 5 more minutes.” Or if they unconsciously, subconsciously shut the alarm off. The snooze feature allowed a few more minutes (nine to be precise) before engaging in a second, third or fourth wake-up attempt. If you’re up to five snoozes just face it, you are not getting up anytime soon today.

Now, armed with this knowledge and understanding of the snooze button’s misconceived 5 to actually 9 minute ratio. Can we surmise that this has possibly created a misconception of how we perceive time and define “just 5 more minutes?” Perhaps even creating the delusional thinking of how much actual time has passed and how much can be accomplished in “just 5 more minutes?”

Little kids always want to stay outside, play with their friends or engage in an activity for “just 5 more minutes.” Then they seem disappointed and confused when the “five more” is up seemingly several minutes short. You tell someone you’ll be there in “just 5 more minutes” but it always takes several minutes longer. You say and believe you will have something done in “just 5 more minutes” but don’t. Did you actually accomplish said task four minutes after the actual initial “just 5” was up? When all things are considered it would seem that our failure to reach timely goals is all the fault of the snooze button. It is the reason we run behind, fall behind and never get anything done anywhere on time.

Perhaps this is why in the dark wee hours of the morning, as we struggle in that limbo between sleep and conscious waking, that we lash out so violently at the snooze. Subconsciously punishing it for its deceit and treachery and giving it fair warning that it will be confronted and dealt with for its sins against time…in just 5 more minutes.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via through the Focus, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to here from ya until then try and stay focused. See ya.

I welcome almost all questions and comments via FOCUS, or email me at [email protected] or you can FRIEND me on Facebook under Saw’s Brood!

Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused. See ya!