“Oh, the weather outside is chilly. Cold enough to freeze your willy. The temperature’s way too low! Where’s the snow? Where’s the snow? Where’s the snow? It doesn’t show signs of stopping. And the Fahrenheit’s still dropping. It just froze my cup of joe! Where’s the snow? Where’s the snow? Where’s the snow?”
Seriously, where the Helsinki Sweden is the delightfully white frozen precipitation? If it’s going to be this cold, for this long, we could use a little… Nay! We deserve a flurry or two in justification of this frivolous frigidity. Otherwise, it’s just constantly continuously cold and it kind of sucks. No, scratch the kindness- it just sucks!
A brief pause for an advanced apology. This is going to be one of those all over the place, random rants. A raving b***hathon with no definitive ending, destination unknown. So just watch me for the changes and try to keep up. If you’re too cold to follow along it’s understandable. Because brain-freeze without ice-cream is also unjustified and equally sucks.
Of all the seasons (there are still just four, right?) winter has always been my personal favorite.
No, it’s not because of the holidays. Pfft screw that noise. It’s the lack of outdoor responsibility that holds a special place in my heart.
As summer draws to a heat-stroked and choked close and ushers in autumn, lawn maintenance implements are stored away. Except the damned rakes… those bastiches linger about for a bit. And as Fall finally fitfully falls away into winter’s cold embrace, we bear silent witness from behind frosted windowpanes. As all the grass, plants, bushes, trees, flowers and shrubberies that we’ve nurtured, pruned, trimmed, cut and cared for die in slow succession.
Tis a beautiful sight to behold. Fare the well yon needy nature. Til one day we shall meet again… in about 3 to 4 months. In the meantime- cocoa!
Then, the air grows chill as the first flakes begin to fall. The north wind swirls up, unfurling her skirts, turning a fluffy flurry into a blinding blizzard. Donning our long black cloak and broad brimmed hat we step into the maelstrom. Walking the streets, occasionally pointing malevolently at window framed faces. As though the angel of death has come to usher in the season… and collect your frozen souls Muhahahaha… ahem. Well, you have your fun, and I will do stuff like that.
What? Do you want to build a snowman? Well, you can’t, and I can’t do my other weird creepy stuff either because there ain’t no snow. Just a lot of cold. Endless merciless cold and as aforementioned- it still sucks. Round the corner and right back where we started.
It’s too cold to go outside. And ironically that’s what we want to do. Cabin fever much?
Correction, it’s not too cold to go out but to stay out. And actually do anything productive, without losing feeling in one’s extremities, whilst out. Unless, of course, you’ve a point to be made.
You uber manly men out there prove me wrong. Go into the fro-zone just to show your immunity to reality. Go do manly man stuff. My arse will watch from within with cocoa in hand.
And what do those manly menfolk do out there that needs doing? Why stuff they should already have done in fairer weather. There is no suburban recreation aside from stupidity afoot.
Now would be an excellent time for a barbecue. It would actually make a hell of a lot of sense if we did our barbecuing during the winter months. No bugs and there’s logic behind igniting and hovering about a fire outside when it’s cold. Or should we wait for summer, because multiple mosquito bites and sweat flavored burgers are best?
Not takers on starting up an inclement weather barbecue tradition? Well, I’ll just put my insulated “Touch the Cook” apron away. It’s too cold to drag out the grill and I do not own one anyway. Because- Jack in the Box Ultimate Cheeseburgers are yummy and require minimal drive-thru effort.
Well, that’s that. As promised, this went absolutely nowhere. Other than to establish- it’s cold- it sucks!
Tune in next week and we’ll go somewhere. A little vacay to the White House. And a few implorations to our current (and former) commander in chief.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via Focus, or E-mail me at wanderingchainsaw@gmail.com. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
