Have Chainsaw Will TravelDISCLAIMER: The following column contains an abridged assortment of science stuff. Take note that it is, for the most part, more sci-fi than scientific. That being said please refrain from submitting emailed corrections to incorrect or fabricated hypothesis and theories herein… unless they are fun and/or neato mosquito.

Baby, it’s cold outside… but telling the baby this is to no avail. Babies are stupid. That’s not meant to sound mean or condescending to any babies reading this. Full apologies extended to any infantile readers out there… but it is true.

Babies don’t know anything… don’t believe it? Well, the next time you’re around a baby, ask that baby anything, anything at all (even its own name) and the only reply will be a blank stare, giggle, cry or burp-up… or all of the above. So telling a baby- “it’s cold outside” or anywhere is a total waste of time. On the other hand, as adults we know better than to leave any babies lying around in snowdrifts… unless we too are stupid or evil.

Adult… it’s cold outside! This winter’s temperatures have already dipped into and below the single digits. And with the windshield factor* it feels even colder. *(the windshield factor is determined by calculating the amount and thickness of frozen accumulation on one’s windshield, multiplied by the time it takes to remove it, divided by the number of curses uttered whilst doing so… science!) Of course, with it that cold outside we’re all thinking the same thing… frozen apocalypse or the next ice age. Ice age as in the global phenomenon that covered the majority of the earth’s surface in ice, that occurred thousands of years ago, and not the done-to-death cartoon film series. And to think, mammoths used to be my favorite critter.

So what if it keeps getting colder? And then stays colder? Could you survive in a land where Disney’s “Frozen” became a horrific reality? Would Disney produce ­— “Thawed” to make us all feel better? Would you want to live in a world where it’s always “cold outside”, whether you’re a baby or not?

Consider trying to find enough wood and food to stay warm and fed. Figure on having to migrate miles to a warmer climate (how would you know where to go?). Imagine never having enough hot water. Ponder freezing to death.

Yeah, that all sounds kinda suck. But what if the temperature dropped so rapidly and the freezing occurred so quickly that you were frozen alive? With conditions so perfect that you’re in a literally chilled out form of suspended animation for a century or two!

Could you fathom the thawing process? Slowly gaining consciousness as your body defrosts. How many years have passed? Did evolved humanoids discover you frozen in the ice? Is this the new era’s Museum of Unnatural History? How long have you been on exhibit with your pants down? Sheesh, frozen mid-poop and now thawed before a live audience.Cold

If it were possible, how would it be to be the sole survivor of the ice age? Or a survivor among other survived strangers? A survivor along with people you disliked before?

Would you miss your family and friends? They’ve been dead for hundreds of years now, so it’s a little late for mourning and nostalgia. How would the new human race see and treat you? Like a wise elder of the past or a Neanderthal? Once the thrill of your thawing wore off, what then?

Considering how this hypothetical scenario could go wrong in so many ways, it brings to question the lacking logic behind cryogenics. A loved one dies and we don’t want to let go so we have them cryogenically frozen. The concept is that when a cure is found for what killed them they can be brought back and it administered.

But wait, first you’d have to figure out how to reverse the cryogenic process. Then figure out the cure for death (only deceased persons can be cryongenically frozen). Then, once thawed and resurrected, you could cure them and…then what? We are nowhere near discovering steps one and two. Do you really think you or anyone they knew would still be alive if we ever do? Would they really want to be brought back to a world they never knew? Would you?

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.