Several months ago, mid-April if memory serves, we had a semi-serious discussion on life. Speaking of literally working oneself to death. Not so much as working rigorously till one expires, but rather passing via old age, as one strives towards retirement… and never reaches it.
We spoke on how all people (save the privileged few) have to work to survive in society. Additionally, in order to be employed with non-under-the-table legit employment, some form of insurance is usually required. And in order to maintain insurance provided by the business or company you work for; certain criteria must be met.
This train of thought led to how at the age of 50, a mandatory colonoscopy is often required. FYI this writer turned 50 last year. Yes, as previously advertised, a colonoscopy was undertaken. Some of you dear readers expressed sincere concerns for my wellbeing, bless your souls, and inquired how it went… it did not go well.
For those of you unfamiliar with the colonoscopical (invented a word) process here is the short version. They chemically clean you out. Literally knock you out (more chemicals and gas are involved). Stick a camera in your booty hole (it’s very tiny- “whew”). And take panoramic photos of your insides.
This is done to ensure your inner workings are working minus cancer. You cannot get a video copy of the anal adventure BTW. I asked and was very disappointed… there goes movie night.
The invasive part of the procedure isn’t that bad or invasive. You lose your rear virginity in a state of blissful unconsciousness and get the best nap ever. No, it is the prep work that proceeds that first awkward blind from behind date that makes for the stuff of nightmares.
Prior to procedure there are 3 days of adhering to a “low residue” diet. Apparently, all I eat is residue. Followed by a day long liquid diet (not beer). And for the pièce de resistance you must consume, in two separate doses, two bottles of polyethylene glycol-electrolyte solution.
This chemical’s purpose is the equivalent of Drain-o to your intestines (do not drink Drain-o). It cleans and clears all the little dookies from your guts. Now some folks are said to have a bad reaction to the latter… I am one of those folks.
The first bottle was chugged down and resulted in 3 hours of severe nausea. Before passing out from the exhaustion of the resulting cramps, fever and rampant poops. And the second bottle? Never stood a chance. Despite encouragement from Lil Red (the spouse) and grim determination on my part, projectile vomiting did occur. But we soldiered on, hoped it was enough and hoped for the best… which it wasn’t… and it wasn’t.
Later, upon completion of the actual procedure, as I struggled to regain coherent consciousness, the doctor confirmed what we all already know- I am full of s***. Then she stated my worst fear. The prep was not efficient. Ergo we’d have to start over and do it all over again.
Suddenly I am wide awake! Umm… let me see and hell no! Preferring the alternatives of becoming unemployed, running away and becoming a hobo or suicide by waffle iron (a horrific way to go) as opposed to drinking that gawd awful crap again.
But wait… says the medical professional, there is another way. Another way? But you said- “This is the way!” (no wait, that’s the baby Yoda guy). You can do a ten-day prep. The diet regiments will be the same, but you’ll be consuming a mild tasteless powered laxative daily. Then finish with a said laxative and Gatorade mix.
Oh, and pray tell why the hell did we not offer this alternative in the first place? Because the original is more effective and efficient? Yeah, and it tastes like overcooked a** and makes you wish for death upon consumption. But if there’s another way?
So here we go again. As of writing this (13th) we are on day 8 of the prep work. Weasels s*** less than I have in the past week, but hey- it’s tasteless. Not that I can taste with my backside anyway. By the time you read this I’m hopefully done with the whole ordeal. I’ll let you know how it comes out of my err… in the end.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via Focus, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
