Staggering backwards… clutching an arm. Ice-water runs through veins, and bones feel like they’ve have been shot-up with liquid nitrogen. Knuckles, at impact points, have blackened. A scent of rotting decay permeates the air. This is what one gets for punching the grim reaper in the face. That “touch of death” thing goes both ways.
Let us take pause, rewind, back up, reintroduce and explain.
Many moons ago, I had a…well several, near death experiences. Since then, death has been rather near to me. Whether he’s just hanging out to bum cigs (be wary of death for he is a mooch) or awaiting my demise is unclear. But over the years it’s become a floating friendship on a first name basis… so I call him Frank.
Today he showed up in his human guise. He looks like a silent-era movie star, a roguishly handsome young man dressed in a ruffled black suit and fedora. With him he brought a little girl looking pre-kinder aged.
“So,” I inquired, “are you on the way to return this little angel to heaven?” Frank shrugged non-committal. “Surely she’s not going to hell!” I exclaimed. Frank shrugged doubtfully saying- “Ascension and descension afterlife are based on faith and belief during life. Of which I have no knowledge.”
“Well at least tell me she’s going to a better place!” I expostulate. There is a long pause and a sigh. “Define a better place.” Frank poses. “Better” can only be assumed by the living. And is a matter of the deceased opinion as to whether or not they consider their final destination “better” than the life left behind.”
Tired of his riddles, indirect answers and existential bullshite… I hit him. Bringing us full circle.
Frank brushes it off unfazed. And as I nurse my arm back to life, he continues sympathetically. “I am only conveyance between this world and the hereafter. An escort to the departed, which inevitably concludes and death cannot see or know what lies beyond itself.”
He pauses to bum and light a cig, “What the dead do beyond me is beyond me… and you, for that matter. So why not focus on the living… those left behind?” He makes a good point. So, cue taken… we address the bereaved.
Losing someone is always difficult. However, losing a loved one during the holiday season adds a whole new element to one’s grieving process. It also carries the risk of tainting the holidays forevermore with the annual remembrance of their passage. In some cases, causing survivors to blame those gone for “ruining the holidays”. The defense rests in peace.
Associating someone’s loss with a day of joyous tidings belittles their memory. As it condenses their departure with a time of thanksgiving or celebration. Do not consolidate. Keep them separated so their shadow is by your side, not overshadowing your life. Nor their absence be lost and forgotten in the holiday rush.
Perhaps find a way to make the departed part of the season through annual ritual or vigil. A reverently placed special ornament or commemorative decoration. A scheduled visit to their mortal resting place. Or perhaps a specific time of quite reflection set aside for remembering lives shared. During this, try to celebrate positive past experiences, don’t get stuck in the dark moment of their departure.
Feeling guilt is natural. Whether survivors guilt or feeling culpability for finding happiness beyond the graveside alleviate guilt for carrying on. Guilt in effect directs attention towards you and away from where it is properly placed with those lost. Remember- life is short, and you’ll be joining them soon enough. No doubt they’d want you to spend the intern with joy.
Now this next part may seem cruel but… the holiday world does not mourn with you. You will discover this when you venture back out there and may be disappointed to find nothing stopped. Carry your grief, but don’t brandish it. Seek consul from those near, not strangers. It may alleviate the pain but it’s unfair to smother joy.
Lastly, for those with more recently departed, there is no penalty for lack of joy or celebration. Don’t force yourself to participate if your heart isn’t in it. The holidays will be waiting when and if you want to return. Until then, my sincere and deepest sympathies for your loss.
I welcome almost all questions, comments via Focus, or E-mail me at [email protected]. Hope to hear from ya, until then try and stay focused! See ya.
