ChainsawWhen it comes to casually candid conversations concerning the cataclysmic conditions of an apocalypse (those of the zombie variety in particular) the first topic is always on-hand or potential weapons caches. With everyone assuming the world will end in a free-for-all, shoot-a-thon. Without taking into consideration a potentially infinite number of targets, versus a finite ammunition supply.

Secondly, discussions of where and what would make the best anti-undead (like a weird double-negative there) stronghold come into play. As though you’d get to pick, like the world is your oyster. Always forgetting the hard shell you have to crack to get there. In finding an ideal shelter you’ll have to be very clever, very lucky or learn to make do with what you can find, making sure material needs are met is important. However, plans of dealing the psychological effects of such an event oft fall by the wayside. In the end, one’s sanity will be the hardest resource to come by and maintenance of one’s sense of humor even more so.

Wait… what’s humorous about the end of the world, on the eve of a zombie apocalypse? So glad you asked…

This morning I shot a zombie in my pajamas… how the zombie got into my pajamas I’ll never know. (Thanks for that one to the late, great Groucho Marx).

During a zombie uprising, if a loved one or relative (not always the same thing) digs their way out of their grave, does the funeral home refund the interment fee? Would they double charge for reburial?

In these overly politically correct times, should we refer to the undead as the living impaired?

If you murdered someone during a zombie apocalypse and they returned as a zombie and then you kill them again, is it murder or double homicide?

If you hit a zombie with your car, is it still considered a hit and run if they’re the ones that walk, shamble or lurch away from the scene?

SawHave you heard about the group of scientists that devote all their time, attention and efforts to passionately studying zombies? They’re all very un-dead-icated.

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?” The horse replies with a sigh, “Because I’m a zombie.” Bartender says, “No you’re not… zombies can’t talk!” The horse smiles and says, “Oh, what a relief! Well in that case I’ll have a martini on rye.”

Question: Why did the zombie cross the road? Answer: Because this is the zombie apocalypse… we’ve no time for chickens.

What is the safest room to be in during an attack from the walking dead? Obviously the living room… unless it’s on a night of the living dead.

Where is the worst place to set up your zombie outbreak shelter? On a dead end street!

What would you call it if a zombieized Pillsbury doughboy lead an army of undead gingerbread men against humanity? Night of the Living Bread.

What if zombies gave hugs and kisses instead of biting…? Night of the Loving Dead?

A lot of newer films utilize zombie clowns to play on peoples’ Coulrophobia (an irrational fear of clowns). In reality there would never be any clown zombies. Zombies won’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

You should always be prompt and punctual with tasks during a zombie apocalypse — gotta make that dead line!

Would zombies in Scotland be considered and referred to as half-kilt?

Oh no! We’re being attacked and overrun by a herd of undead lamas!!! It’s the zombie alpaca-lypse!

While on zombie patrol I encountered the reanimated corpses of Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, Brahms and Tchaikovsky, a small horde of decomposers.

Why do zombies eat brains? Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste!

Do zombies eat brains with their fingers? No they eat those separately… like French fries.

How much does the average zombie weigh? Doesn’t matter… it’s all dead weight.

All Brians beware in the event of dyslexic zombies!

Why did the zombie seem shy during the first two encounters? Because he was once bitten!

If there were a zombie outbreak at the Smurf village, Brainy is so screwed!

How is a zombie bear different from a regular bear? There is no difference, they will both kill and eat you!

Lastly, what is the most important initial step to surviving a zombie apocalypse? Staying alive!

I welcome almost all questions, comments via FOCUS or E-mail me at [email protected].

Hope to hear from ya until then try and stay focused! See ya.